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Hello everybody! Relatives and friends from the US of A and the good old Philippines, |
| As promised we want to
provide you with some fun and entertainment. I want to put a smile in your face (1) after
a hard days work to earn the mighty dollars or pesos, (2) days when there is nothing to do
"no happenings," or (3) strictly plain "BORING DAYS," you can come
visit my site to relax and enjoy and for a few minutes forget your problems, the bills,
the wife and/or "girlfriends." OOOOPSSS!!!!!! Just Kidding!!!!! Remember the saying: "Smile and the world smiles
with you, Cry and cry alone..." we do not want that to happen. So get ready, get set
andENJOY.
This section are my compilation of jokes I obtained from various reading materials, the media, and now with the magic of Internet, friends and family members send them to me almost daily. So, I want to share them with you. If you have some "funnies" that you want to share please E-Mail them to me and I will publish them here. See E-Mail link below.
No. 1 : Gusto kong maging asawa ay---- ACCOUNTANT 2,3,4—BAKIT? No. 1- Kasi ang Accountant—ENTER ng ENTER No. 2. Gusto kong maging asawa ay---- ENGINEER 1,34, -- BAKIT? No. 2: Kasi ang Engineer ----- ERECT ng erect No.3: Gusto kong maging asawa ay ---- DOCTOR 1,2,4—BAKIT? No.3: Kasi ang Doctor ------- INJECT ng INJECT No.4: Gusto kong maging asawa ay------SIMPLE LANG, hindi Accountant, hindi Engineer, hindi Doctor. 1,2,3,--EH, ANO? No.4: Gusto kong maging asawa ay ----- BISAYA 1,2,3,- ANO, BISAYA? BAKIT? No.4: KASI ANG BISAYA--------------------- MATIGAS ANG DILA!!!!
When I was in Jr. High, all I want was a girl with big boobs. In High School, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decide I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never gets excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl, but I could not keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She was without direction, so I decide to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned. Now all I want is a GIRL WITH BIG BOOBS!!! THANKS: Johnson Cacho
Directions:
Notes:
THANKS: Claro Cortes
Little James was sitting in a class doing math problems when his teacher picked on him to answer a question. " James, " she said, " if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" " None, " replied James, " because I would shoot one and the rest would fly away." " Well, the answer I was looking for is four, " said the teacher, " but I like the way you are thinking." Then little James said, " I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting the cone and the third one was sucking the cone, which one is married?" The teacher blushed and answered meekly, " Well, I’m not sure. I guess the one sucking the cone…." " No, " said Little James, " the ones with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking." THANKS: Kent Valderrama
May dalawang bingi na nagkita sa kalsada. Napansin nung unang bingi na yung ikalawang bingi ay may dalang bayong. Bati nung unang bingi- " Mamamalengke ka?" Sagot nung ikalawang bingi- " Hindi, mamamalengke ako…" Sabi nung unang bingi- " Ah, akala ko, mamamalengke ka….
If you think life is bad, How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all… The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up…You’re life ain’t that bad! Pass it on to someone who you feel can use a good lay today. THANKS: Lito Mamuyac
Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, at first he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis has grown to nearly twenty inches, and he was having problems doing the normal things that the man does; walking, driving, you get the picture. Ralph became quiet concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination , the physician explained to the couple that though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery. " How long would Ralph be on the crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. " Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor in unison with Ralp. " Well. " said the wife coldly, " you’re planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you?" THANKS: Cathy Platon
Entry 1--- Excited ako. Natanggap akong intern sa White House. Wala akong nalalaman tungkol sa Medecine. Me hindi ko alam kung ano ang trabaho ko.Pero, gusto, kung maari lang, ang gagawin ko ay gagamitin ko ang mga kamay ko. Entry 2--- Hindi ka maniniwala. Pumasok ako sa Oval Office nong walang nakakakita. Nuong mahulog ko ang isa kong contacl lens, lumuhod ako upang hanapin iyon, pero biglang sumipot ang presidente. Sabi niya sa akin, Ikaw ba ang bagong Intern? Wow, hindi ako makapagsalita. Nagustuhan kaya niya ako? Entry 3--- Nagustuhan siguro ako ang Presidente. Ngayon, hinulog niya ang kaniyang contact lens sa sahig and sinabihan ako na hanapin ko raw. Entry 4--- Dear Diary, Napansin kong mayroon siyang pagtingin sa akin. Malalim ang pagtingin niya at nginitian ako. Parang may ibig sabihin. Entry 5--- Pinadala ako sa Pentagon para magtrabaho. Nakakainis, para bang ilalagay nila akong mamamahala ng mga missiles. Pero nakausap ko pa rin siya sa telepono. Tawag niya sa akin ay " 1-900-Monika. Para bang sinasabi niya na isa ako sa 900. Importante ako. Entry 6--- May nakilala akong medyo mabait na babae. Linda ang pangalan. Okay lang siya, pero ang buhok niya parang iyong buhok ni Mrs. Ronald McDonald. Entry 7--- Siguro si Linda ay bingi. Lagi niya akong sinasabihan na magsalita ng malakas bawat kumakain kami sa labas. Entry 8--- Oh—oh masamang balita. Na-subpoenaed ako. May mabuting balita naman. Meron akong bagong best friend, si Vernon Jordan. Bukas sasamahan niya akong maghanap ng trabaho. Entry 9--- Kailangan akong magbigay ng affidavit doon sa kaso ng luka-lukang Paula Jones. Ano ang pinagsasabi niya? Anong marka sa katawan? Hey, mas cute ako sa babaeng ito. Mukha siyang baklang David Brenner. Entry 10—Letse, Hindi na ako magiging intern. Babalik na ako sa Hollywood na babayaran ka pa ng malaki sa ganitong hanapbuhay. Entry 11 – At sa wakas, nasa Los Angeles na ako, sariling pamamahay. Niyakap ko ang Daddy ko na napakahigpit para akong sasabog. Unang una kong pagtawag ng " Daddy" nitong nakaraang anim na buwan na talagang mayroon akong ralation. Entry 12—Ay, talagang mabuti at masaya ang pagbabalik ko dito sa Brentwood , sapagkat ang mga tao dito ay naiintindihan ako. Dumalaw si O.J. sa akin at sinabi niya na huwag akong magaalaala at kung walang mantsa sa damit, wala silang evidensiya. Entry 13—Lahat ng kaibigan ko ay naiinggit sa akin dahil sa pagpansin sa akin ng mga tao at si Kenneth Starr. Iyong Linda Tripp, hayop , gigil na gigil ako sa galit. Iniisip kong magimbento ng Linda Doll na kapag sinisian mo, sasaksakin niya si Barbie sa lilpd. Emtry 14—Kailangang matawagan ko si Bubba (presidente) para sabohin ko sa kaniya na meron akong solution sa problema niya sa Iraq. Nilimutan niya na nagtrabaho ako sa Pentagon. Kailangan lamang na kausapin niya si Vernon Jordan na alukin si Saddam na magtrabaho sa Revlon. Entry 15---Puking Ina, lagi nila akong tinatanong kung may relasyon kami ni Bubba, pinipilit nilang malaman kung nag-sex kaming dalawa. Please, Napaka estupido naman nila. Porke ba na araw araw na nagtatrabaho ako sa White House, ang pangalan ni Bubba ay nasa una unag listahan ko na " To Do". Entry 16—Iniisip ko na dapat ang mga babaeng nasa kalagayan ko ngayon ay dapat tumayo ng tuwid at magsalita ng tapatan na walang takot kahit kanino. Kaya lang baka pagtayo ay mabunggo ang ulo sa lamesa ni Bubba. Entry 17—Lahat sila ay nagpaparinig sa akin ng salitang "immunity, para bang meron akong natanggap kay Bubba at may ginawa kaming sexual. Ibig nila akong bigyan ng immunity kong pumutak ako. Ang katotohanan, lagi ng mayroong gurdia sa labas ng Oval Office para sa aming protection. Iyon ang tinatawag na safe sex! Entry 18—Putang Ina, kami ng Mommy ko ay parehong mapipiliatang pumuanta sa grand jury.Ano ba iyon? Osang malaking hotel Hindi ko na sana nasabi kay Mommy iyong mga kinukuha kong dictation sa Oval Office. Oh, talagang opapahamak ako ng pagbuka ng malaki kong bibig. Entry 19—Hindi naman ako natatakot. Meron nag-offer sa akin na gagawa ng movie na tuloy tuloy na maging video at ako ang bida. Marami silang balak na movies para sa akin. Magaganda ang mga pamagat.LABAS-PASOK; DALAWANG LABI; MALAKING BIBIG; TUKSUHIN ANG BUNDOT NI BUBBA; Ang paborito ko; MASARAP AT MABILIS NA PAGBITIN. I hope si Speilberg ang director. The End of Diary
" How long do you think you’ll be able to hold out?" they asked. " Oh., " he replied, " probably until my girlfriend dies."
" If you had only dropped your pants, " his wife shot back, " you could have qualified for disability."
" No, that’s Okay," she said. " Just understand that there will sex here at seven o’clock every night –whether you’re here or not."
" Mr. Smith, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. " Take off all your clothes, Mrs. Smith," the medic said. " Now turn all the way around. Lie down, please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. " You’re in perfect health," he said. " Your wife didn’t give me an erection either."
" My breasts are yours to fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I’m still in mourning." The following night the same scenario ensued, She stood there with the lacy black panties on and he was naked—except for the black condom. " What’s with the black condom?" she asked. " Well, " he explained. " I thought I’d pay a condolence call." God looks over the millions of people and says, " Welcome to heaven. I want the women to go with St. Peter and the men to form two lines. Make one line of men who dominated their women on earth and the other line of men who were dominated by their women." There’s much movement, but eventually the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of men who were dominated by their women is 100 miles long. The line of men who dominated their women has only one man. God gets angry and says, " You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and your mates dominated you all. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him." He turns to the man and says, " Tell them my son, how did you managed to be the only one on that line?" The man says, " I don’t know, my Lord, MY WIFE TOLD ME TO STAND HERE." Thanks to: LITO MAMUYAC Two nuns went out of the convent to sell cookies. One of them is know as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is know as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent. SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past half-hour? SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants. SL: It’s logical he wants to rape us. SM: Oh No! At this rate he will reach in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do is that we have to start waking faster. SM: It is not working. SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the obvious thing to do. He started to walk faster too. SM: So, what shall we do, at this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing to do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow both of us. So the man decided to go after Sister Logical. Meanwhile Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried because Sister Logical has not yet arrived. Finally, Sister Logical shows up. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell us what happened? SL: The only logical thing happened. The man could not follow both of us, so he followed me. SM: So what happened? Please tell us. SL: The only logical thing to happen. I started to run as fast as I could. SM: So what happened? SL: The only logical thing to happen. The man also started to run as fast as he could. SM: And what else? SL: The only logical thing to happen. He reached me. SM: Oh no! What did you do then? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh Sister, what did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh no! Oh no! Jesus helps her, what happened then? SL: Isn’t it logical Sister? A NUN WITH HER DRESS UP CAN RUN FASTER THAN A MAN WITH HIS PANTS DOWN. Thanks to: JOHNSON CACHO There was a virgin who was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, " Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to lie that, but don’t let him do it." She continued, " He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. He is going to try to put his hands between your legs; you are going to like that, but don’t let him do that" Then the grandmother said, " But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don’t let him do that. It will disgrace our family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, " Grandmother, I didn’t let him disgrace our family. When he tried, I TURNE HIM OVER, GOT ON TOP OF HIM, AND DISGRACED HIS FAMILY" Thanks to: CLARO CORTES
A little old lady went into the bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the President to open a saving ‘s account because, " It’s a lot of money!" At the office, the President asked her ho much she would like to deposit. She replied, " $165,000.00!" and dumped the cash out of her bag into his desk. The President asked her, " Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?" The old lady replied, " I make bets." The President then asked, " Bets? What kind of bets? The old woman said, " Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square." " Ha!", laughed the President, " That’s a stupid bet!" The old lady challenged, " So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the President, " I’ll bet $ 25,000 that my balls are not square!" The lady old lady then said, " Okay, since there’s a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. as a witness?" " Sure!" replied the confident President. That night, the President got very nervous and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He’s sure that no way his balls are square and that he would win the bet. The next morning, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the President’s office. She introduced the lawyer to the President and repeated the bet: " $25,000 says that the President ‘s balls are square!" The President agreed with the bet again and the little old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The President complied. The old lady peered closely and asked if she could feel them. " Well, okay, " said the President, it’s a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, " What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, " Nothing, except that I BET HIM $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M. this morning, I’D HAVE THE BANK OF CANADA’S PRESIDENT’S BALLS in my hand." Thanks to: CATHY PLATON A little boy goes to his dad and asks, " What is politics?" Dad says, " Well, son, let me try to explain it this way." I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me CAPITALISM. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the GOVERNMENT. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the PEOPLE. The nanny, we’ll consider her the WORKING CLASS. Your baby brother, we’ll call him the FUTURE. Now think about that and see if that makes sense. So the little boy goes off to be thinking about what dad has said. Later that night he hears his little brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to be. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, " Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, " Good , son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, " Well, while CAPITALISM is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep, the PEOPLE are being ignored and the FUTURE is in deep shit." Thanks: NILO PACHECO
A husband and wife decided they needed to use " code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word TYPEWRITER. One day, the husband told his five year old daughter, " Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter." The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, " Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later, the mom told the daughter, " Tell daddy that he can type that letter now." The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, " Daddy said never mind the typewriter, ho already wrote the letter by hand. Thanks: CATHY PLATON A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishments. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow- job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder and says, " Okay, you can stop now. You’ve been relieved." Thanks: C. ICASIANO
ERAP was in the Batasang Pambansa when he bumped into Ramos. He noticed that Ramos had this thick hard bound book in his arms. ERAP: Pareng Fidel, ano ang hawak mo, mukhang napaka-kapal at mabigat. RAMOS:: Pareng Erap, libro ng LOGIC ito. Mabigat na palaisipan ito, hindi mo kaya. ERAP: Sige na tsong…kaya ko yan. I-eskplika mo lang sa akin. RAMOS:O sige, may aquarioum ka ba? ERAP: Oo RAMOS: Ganito kasi iyon. Pag may aquarioum ka, mahilig ka sa isda. Pag mahilig ka sa isda, mahilig ka sa tubig, mahilig kang lumangoy. Pag mahilig kang lumangoy, malaki ang katawan mo. Pag malaki ang katawan mo, hindi ka bakla. LOGIC iyon. ERAP: Aaaaa…..yang lang pala ang LOGIC….dali lang pals. Then ERAP went to the nearest National Bookstore to pick up a book about LOGIC. He now proudly carries it with him around the Batasang Pambansa. Upon roaming, he bumped into Enrile. ENRILE: Erap, ano yan? Mukhang napaka-bigat… ERAP: LOGIC ito pare..hindi mo kaya ito. ENRILE: Kaya ko yan…explain mo lang sa akin…sige na.. ERAP: O sige…ganito yan…may aquarium ka ba? ENRILE: Eh, Wala… ERAP: Kung ganoon, BAKLA KA, that’s LOGIC!
 A RUSSIAN
GENIE
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying on the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, " Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, " Well, I really like drinking Vodka." Finally the Russian says, " I wish to drink Vodka whenever I want, so make me piss Vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home, he gets a glass out of cupboard and pisses on it. He looks in the glass and it’s clear. Looks like Vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like Vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best Vodka he has ever tasted. The Russian yells to his wife, " Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of cupboard and pisses on it. He tells her to drink. " It is Vodka." Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best Vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeded to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the Vodka is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, " Natasha. Grab one glass out of the cupboard and we will drink Vodka. His wife gets the glass and set it on the table. The Russian begins to piss on the glass and when he fills it, his wife asks, " Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, " Because tonight my love, YOU DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE." Thanks to: CATHY PLATON
1. A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, " Martha, pack up your things. I just won the California lottery!" Martha replies, " Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" The man responds, " I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!" 2. Especially horny one night, Sam rolled over and nuzzled his wife. how about it honey?" he asked tenderly. " Oh, Sam, I've got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow," said his wife, going on to explain that the Doctor had requested that she abstain from intercourse for twenty-four hours before an appointment. Sam sighed deeply and turned over to his side of the bed. A few minutes later he rolled over and asked hopefully, " You don't have a dentist appointment, do you?" 3.One morning , a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white be sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in the living room. The housewife explained that she'd had a party the night before.They had played a game called " Who's Who" in which each of the men had put his equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity. " Gee, that sounds fun," said the mailman. " Sure wish I'd been there." " You should have been," said the housewife." Your name came up three times." 4. As the newly wed couple was checking into the hotel for their honeymoon, another couple at the desk offered to show them around the town that night. Thanking them for the kind offer, the bridegroom explained that it was their wedding night and that they'd prefer to take a rain check. When the second couple came down for breakfast the next morning they were astonished to catch sight of the groom in the hotel apparently drowning his sorrows. " Why you should be the happiest man in the world today," they said coming over to him. " Yesterday, I was, " said the man mournfully, but this morning, without realizing it, I put three ten-dollar bills on the pillow and got up to get dresses." " Hey, cheer up. she probably didn't even notice." " That's the problem," the groom went on. " Without even thinking, she gave me five dollars change." 5. On their wedding night, a groom asks his wife, " Honey, am I your first?" She says, " Why does everyone ask me that?" Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want." The first nun says, "I want-a to be Sophia Loren" and <poof! she's gone. The second says, "I want-a to be Madonna" and <poof! she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipaline." St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says. "Sara Pipaline" replies the nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'! " THANKS TO: CYNTHIA ICASIANO There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Mitsubishi Montero) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys. Unfortunately, the driving condition deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (Scroll down for the answer) The perfect woman. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man…. (Women, end e-mail here. Men, keep scrolling.) So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. ( By the way, if you’re a woman, and you’re reading this…this brings up another point………….women never listen either………) THANKS TO: NERISSA VILLAMATER & CATHY PLATON "Well, " said Joe, " I’ll tell you the whole story." "One day I was walking along the beach when I tripped over an enchanted lamp. A genie popped out of the lamp and said, ‘ My name is Abdullah, I will grant you three wishes,’ and I said " No shit!" Thanks to: CYNTHIA ICASIANO
" See that number on the back if your seat? Answered the bartender, " If your number’s called, you get a free piece of ass." " Wow, that sounds great, " said the guy, deciding to stick around. When it came time to order another drink, he turned to the guy next to him and griped, " Hell, I’ve been here over an hour—how do you win at this thing?" The man gave him a conspiratorial wink and said, " Don’t give up, buddy. HELL, MY WIFE HAS ALREADY WON FIVE TIMES! " That’s nothing," spoke the second, " I know a joint over on the West Side where every other drink is free." " Oh, yeah." chipped in the third guy, " Well, I know a place in the South side where every drink is free and at the end of the night you can get laid in the parking lot." " No kidding?" asked his companions. " That sounds great—where’d you hear about it?" " FROM MY WIFE," he told them proudly.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, " I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper id purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, " Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?" John said, " Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote"
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Andy "The Mailman"
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Go Niners!!!!!
