there is no banana here...

OLD       JOKESLD JOKES

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Last night I slept like an attorney. First I’d lie on one side, and then I’d lie on the other.

A man says to his wife," You never tell me when you have an orgasm."

The wife replies, " You’re never home.’

A man calls his wife from the emergency room. He tells her that his finger got cut off at the construction site where he was working. " Oh, my goodness!" cries the wife. " The whole finger?"

"No," replies the man, " the one next to it."

A very wealthy man says to his wife, " Honey, if I lost all my money, would you still love me?"

" Of course I would," replies the wife. " But I’d miss you…"

A seven-year old boy is sitting at the dinner table with his parents. Suddenly he announces, " Me and Janie are going to get married!"

" Oh?" says the mother. " And how old is Janie?"

" Five," replies the boy.

" Well," says the father, " what are you going to do for money?"

" I get fifteen cents a week allowance," says the son, " and Janie gets ten cents. We figured that if we put them together, we’d be okay."

"I see, " says the father, " But what are you going to do if you have children?"

" Well," says the boy, "so far we’ve been lucky."

Two law partners hire a new cute you secretary, and a contest arises between them as to who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. " So, what did you think?" asks the partner.

"Aah," replies the first lawyer, " my wife is better."

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. " So, " asks the first guy, "what did you think?"

The second guy replies, " You’re right, your wife is better."

Two southern belles are talking, and one of them has just returned from a trip up to New York City. " Do you know," she tells her friend confidentially, " that up there in New York, they have men who kiss men?" " Mercy me!" replies the friend. " What do they call people like that?" "Well," says the traveler, " they call those people homosexuals. And do you know up there, they have women who kiss women?"" Oh, my Lord," cries the other woman, totally shocked. " What on earth do they call people like that?"Well," says the first woman, " they call those people lesbians. And…do you know up there in New York they have men who kiss women ‘down there?"

"Heavens to Betsy!" gasps the incredulous friend; " I don’t believe it! Why, what on earth do they call people like that?"

"Well, " says the first woman, " once I regained my composure, I called him ‘PRECIOUS’!"

THE COW IN POLAND

A little town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The town people did a little researched and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles but they could get a cow from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow, gave lots of milk and lots of cream and everybody loved this cow. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again. So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the Rabbi what to do. After all, he was very wise. They told him the story. " Rabbi, we’ve tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right, the cow moves left, and when the bull moves in from the left, the moves to the right. What do we do?" The Rabbi thought a moment and said, " Ok, why did you buy this cow from Minsk?" "Rabbi," they said, " you are so wise. We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, " MY WIFE IS FROM MINSK." – thanks Claro Cortes

The wives of Presidents and a Prime Minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says that in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltzin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side,

The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Well, the wife of Clinton says, in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

Thanks to both Claro Cortes & Cynthia Icasiano

So the other day, my friends and I went to this " Lady’s Night Club" for a bachelorette party. One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The dancer came to us, and my friend licked the $10 bill and put it in his butt.

Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill and puts in his other butt cheek. Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, and then my fiscally responsible side took over. I got my ATM card, swiped it down this crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

Thanks TO: MRS. CYNTHIA ICASIANO

Hi-Tech Joke

A man complained to his friend, " My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, " Don’t do that! At the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor can. Simply put it a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only cost $10.00."

The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drugstore. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a minute, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed" You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine sample from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drugstore, located the machine, pored in the sample and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis"

Your tap water is too hard- Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms-Give him vitamins.

Your daughter’s on drugs-Put her in re-hub.

Your wife’s pregnant- it ain’t yours—get a lawyer.

And if you don’t stop playing with yourself, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Thanks to CATHY PLATON

I NAMED MY DOG Mypenis

The Lord appeared before three world leaders; President Clinton, President Yeltzin and President Estrada (Erap). The Lord said, " Each of you can ask one question and I’ll give you a definite answer." First came Clinton: " God, when will the special prosecutor, Kenneth Starr, finish his investigation so that I can eventually clear my name? And God immediately replied: " By the Year 2015."Clinton broke down and cried. The Lord asked: " Why do you cry my son?"To which Clinton replied," Because I will no longer be around when it happens, which means I will go down in history as a US President who has a sex scandal-ridden administration!" And Clinton faded away.

Second came Yeltzin : " God, when will the Russian economy finally take off?"To which God replied: " By the year 2020."And Yeltzin broke down and cried. Stunned, the Lord asked, " Why do you cry my son?" To which Yeltzin replied: " Because I will no longer be around when that happens-so I never see Russia’s economy prosper and stabilize." And Yeltzin faded away.

Finally, came Estrada ( ERAP) : " Lord, when do you think I will ever be accepted by the Pilipino intellectuals and society’s elite and be considered by them as a competent leader? "At which point, God broke down and cried….This made Estrada surprised and asked, Why are you crying Lord?" To which God answered: " When that happens, I WILL NO LONGER BE AROUND."-- Thanks to Cathy Platon.       

There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, " If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had " fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said. " You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people  realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the Mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the Mayor and said, " I don’t know what you’re laughing about, YOUR WIFE FELL THREE TIMES THIS WEEK." –Thanks to Claro Cortes

  A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find, copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sided up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of time he had. He said, " Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there." Then she asked, " Did you danced much?" He replied, " I’ll tell you, I never even danced once. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you ….the guy I loaned my costume to SURE HAD A REAL GOOD TIME."—Thanks to Cynthia Icasiano

  Two neighbors are standing in their front yards talking over the fence. One of the neighbors is a Polish guy, and the other says to him, " You know, pal, you really ought to do something about getting some curtains. I mean, I sit in my living room watching television, I look through my window, and I see you and your wife making love practically every night."

The Polish guy angrily says, " You’re full of shit!" " Oh yeah?" says the neighbor. " Well, just last night I was in my living room and I could see right into your window, and there was your wife giving you a blow job!"  " Now I know you’re lying!" says the Polish man. " I wasn’t even HOME last night!"

  A guy goes over to his friend’s house and knocks on the door. When it opens, though, it is the friend’s wife who is standing there. " OH, hi, Mary," says the guy. " Is Bob home" " No, he’s not, Manuel, " Mary replies, " he won’t be home from work for another twenty minutes. Would you like to come in and wait?" Manuel thinks for a moment and then says, " Yeah, okay, Thanks!"

They go in, sit down, and suddenly Manuel blurts out, " I know I shouldn’t say this Mary, but you’ve got the most beautiful breasts in the world. As a matter of fact, I would give you a hundred dollars if I could take a peak at just one of them." Mary is quite taken aback, but after she recovers from her shock, she finds that she’s feeling a little bit flattered. Then, thinking of the hundred dollars, she decides, " Oh, what the heck," and opens her bathrobe, exposing one marvelously shaped mound. Manuel immediately pulls out a hundred –dollar bill and slaps it down the table. " That was fantastic!" he exclaims.

They sit there in silence for a few moments, then Manuel says to her, " You know Mary, that was so amazing that I would give another hundred dollars to see them both together. What do you say? "Mary thinks to herself, and after just a moment’s hesitation, she pulls open her robe and let the guy stare at her perfect pair. After the guy gets a nice long look, Mary closes up her bathrobe, and then Manuel whips out another hundred-dollar bill. He flops it down on the table and says, " Incredible, just incredible!" Manuel then gets to his feet and says, " Well, I have to get going. Thanks a lot!"

About fifteen minutes later, Bob arrives home. Mary says to him, " Oh, by the way, your friend Manuel dropped by."  " Oh yeah?" says Bob, a little surprised. " Well, tell me, did that jerk drop off the TWO HUNDRED dollars he owes me?"