Friends
A strange thing about friends is seeing them under the light of a new circumstance. Especially from a side that you aren't used to being on. I think the hardest part of being there for someone is knowing you do not have to make them feel better. People I didn't realize cared about me came out of the woodwork, while friends I thought would definitely be there ran from my pain. At the time this hurt and confused me, but it didn't take long to understand that death is very frightening to some--as much as showing feelings of such depth in that situation.
Dusty, who was widowed three years before I, knew exactly what to say...or should I say had the courage to admit she didn't know what to say. She called up and simply said that she did not know what to say but she would listen to everything I needed to talk out. This was the best thing for me. I had already had enough of people giving me all kinds of sugar-coated speeches, and platitudes--I just needed someone to LISTEN. Not tell me what to do, how to get my crap together, and etc. etc. etc. I have been able to do more healing through talking to good listeners, then I ever could by listening to someone else's idea on what I should do in my situation.
I have another friend who took it upon herself to keep me company almost daily for a few hours until I moved away. She would come under the excuse of just hanging out and we'd sit and watch TV, chat, and sometimes just laugh at the silliest things or ball like babies. But she was there. I could count on her and I knew it. She didn't tell me what to do, or try to cheer me up, it was more like she took on whatever mood I was in and met me there. Then we could be on the same level and relate better. She was so unassumingly wise that I didn't even realize what all she had done until I left.
Another friend of mine drove all the way across four states to help me and my kids move back to my hometown. She found my new house for me and travelled with all our kids while I drove the U-haul. While I was getting situated in my new surroundings, she would come and suggest things for me to do or invite me over to her family's functions so I could get out. Her "mothering" at times was comforting but quickly changed to "smothering". I guess she picked up on my discomfort. I guess I let her know. It wasn't pretty...we have been off and on friends for quite awhile. I gave up trying to analyze our relationship, but will always appreciate her immediate and caring decision to help me out in a time of need.
I made some new friends also, mostly people that I may have met a time or two before, who felt compelled to get to know me better after his death. This was surprising also, as I never expected to make friends at a time like that--but I did. Quite a few! And even the ones I lost, because they didn't understand where to put the "new" me in their lives don't much matter anymore.
I guess the only words of wisdom I can really put here is this: If you have a friend who loses someone--LISTEN to them, don't tell them their feelings, or yours if you don't know what they are! Really, just listen..and don't offer to do things you know need to be done and leave it up to the grieving person to get in touch with you--be a real friend and you reach out to them. It is very hard to reach out when your are grieving.
If you are the someone who has lost, try to understand that not all people understand or can sympathize/empathize with your pain. Give them time to learn what you need from them if they offer--and don't lie, we all "need" at that time, regardless whether we can admit it or not. Work on reaching out.
