Starting over without my father was almost imperceptible. I did not expect things to change too much, as I had already moved away from home and had began my own life. He was very important to me as far as guidance and unconditional love goes, but in my day to day life he was not physically present. When he passed away, the change was not really noticeable until I came home and expected him there or when I wanted his advice and could not ask for it. But I knew him well enough that I can imagine what he would say about anything that I might seek his advice. I have him so deeply in my heart that I carry him constantly with me. In a way he is still very much alive in me. Although, this isn't always enough, I have to get used to the fact that this is the way it is.
When my husband died, it was a whole different matter. We spent all our time together and relied on each other for many, many things. To reconstruct my and my children's life without his presence was extremely difficult. Even now, there are certain things that only he could fulfill in me...I accept the loss of these things as I learned to accept his loss. Difficult but not impossible.
One of the biggest things that stands out about the counseling I had afterwards was how my counselor explained a certain aspect of loss. I could never put it into words before hearing it from her. It was about how I would find others, be it on purpose or by accident, to fill the void where my husband used to reside. It could be as simple as who would take out the trash, who would fix the car (or attempt to), or who would cook when I got home for work. But there are a lot of extremely difficult spaces to fill also. Who would be there to keep me company when I couldn't sleep at night, who would know "just" the right way to massage my back, or who would know just the right answer to all our private jokes?
It turns out that some of these were filled and some will never be. It isn't so much that I am replacing him, rather I fell in love with him for certain reasons I found in no one other person, and now these are aspects that I look for in my life. I looked for some of these things before I met him and some where introduced to me and carried out by him. Regardless, his passing created a void in my life that in some instances I have filled and in others have chosen to leave empty. I don't know why, but this explanation helped me feel not so guilty about going on. Maybe because it broke down what in our relationship was important to me, sacred, or just mundane. I was able to separate myself from the whole of the pain and concentrate on the little things I missed. That way I knew why certain things would leave me crying, while others I barely batted an eye at. For some reason it helped. The whole pain was just too large for me.
One way that helps me also is knowing I carry all my loved ones in my heart. They live on through me--sometimes I use their characters to help me understand and deal with what goes on in my life. My father was especially good at making others feel comfortable or at not being judgemental. I use his example and recreate them through me when I need to. My husband had a wonderful sense of humor and a very compassionate nature. I use this aspect of him also. I sometimes say to myself when confused about a situation--"Now what would so-and-so have done in this situation?"--and follow my instincts as to what their reaction might have been. It really helps keep them alive for me, and it is comforting.
Basically, starting over happened whether I wanted it to or not. It amazes me how far I have come since those dark days. I certainly never would have guessed it at the time but I have moved along in my life and am surviving without their physical presence. When people say "time heals all wounds", they are almost right. I think it might be stated more aptly like this "in time, you heal". Time doesn't heal you, you do. That is why it takes people extremely varied times to take grief and turn to healing.