|
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly. 2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage." 3. Insist that your drive-through order is "to go." 4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..." 5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to your roommate. 6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. 7. Speak only in a "robot" voice. 8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly. 9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub." 10. Everyday for lunch buy a happy meal from McDonald's, eat the straw and napkin and throw everything else away. 11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets. 12. Sniff incessantly. 13. Tie bed sheets together into a rope. Use it to get out of the house every morning. 14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Play hide and seek with yourself. If your roommate asks what you're doing behind the couch, under the table, etc., look at them exasperatedly, come out of the hiding and tell them that they gave away your hiding place. Refuse to talk to them for several hours. 16. Reply to everything your roomate says with "that's what YOU think." 17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training." 18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace." 19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot." 20. Follow a few paces behind your roomate, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol. 21. Practice making fax and modem noises. 22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and fax them to your roomate. 23. Constantly tell your roomate that you love them. 24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if your roomate will play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance. 25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your room, and tell your roomate you are a "spider person." 26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control. 28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more at any moment. 29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears. 30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room. 31. Give a play-by-play account of your roomate's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while your roomate is counting. 33. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 34. Twitch a lot. 35. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 36. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 37. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 38. Speak in tongues. 39. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything he/she owns to the ceiling. 40. Walk and talk backwards. 41. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 42. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 43. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 44. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench). 45. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 46. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 47. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 48. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 49. Eat glass. 50. Smoke ball-point pens. 51. Smile. All the time. 52. Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 53. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously. 54. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 55. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 56. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. 57. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 58. Dye all your underwear lime green. 59. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 60. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 61. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 62. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). 63. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 64. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 65. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 66. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative. 67. Shave one eyebrow. 68. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bed frame. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 69. Put horseradish in your shoes. 70. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 71. Always flush the toilet three times. 72. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 73. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 74. Give him/her an allowance. 75. Listen to radio static. 76. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 77. Cry a lot. 78. Send secret admirer notes from your roommate's e-mail account. 79. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggy. Leave the baggy near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag closed and eye him/her suspiciously. 80. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls. 81. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself. 82. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed. 83. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month. 84. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks. 85. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up. 86. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too. 87. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS. 88. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor. 87. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate. 88. Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music. 89. Follow him/her around on weekends. 90. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall. 91. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door. 92. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone. 93. Take his/her underwear. Wear it. 94. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her. 95. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare. 96. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was. 97. Let mice loose in his/her room. 98. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling. 99. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own. 100. Skip to the bathroom. 101. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend. 102. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage. 103. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave. 104. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back. 105. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling >above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed. 106. Collect Chia-Pets. 107. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language. 108. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick. 109. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls. 110. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing. 111. Leave apple cores on his/her bed. 112. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it. 113. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me." <114. Lick him/her while they are asleep. 115. Dress in drag. 116. Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it. 117. Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door screaming, "Let me in. Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out. 118. Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver. 119. Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you. 120. Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. 121. Ask your roommate if he/she can turn down the music; Bob has a headache. 122. Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet. 123. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything. 124. Walk into walls. 125. Leave little notes in the shower for him/her. 126. Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!" 127. When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope. 128. When you leave the room, put on a screen saver that says, "I'm watching you." 129. Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until he/she comes out. 130. Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby. 131. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class. 132. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore." 133. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is. 134. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you. 135. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards. 136. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard person to find. 137. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone. 138. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so. 139. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...." 140. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again." 141. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate. 142. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now." 143. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning. 144. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed. 145. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets. 146. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me." 147. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them. 148. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings. 149. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine. 150. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi." 151. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room. 152. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on. 153. Roller-skate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy." and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation. 155. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something. 156. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more." 157. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation. 158. Carry a pair of walkie talkies with you at all times. Insist that they use it when ever they want to talk to you.
 HomeNext |