one liners

One Liners

Q. How do you catch a unique bird? A. Unique up on it.
Q. How do you catch a tame bird? A. Tame way.

What do you get when you cross LSD with the pill? A trip without the kids!

Q: How do smurfs reproduce? A: They Smuck.

36 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid... The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in artificial stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. Dumber than a box of hair. A few peas short of a casserole. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box. One Froot Loop short of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck. All foam, no beer. The cheese slid off his cracker. Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel. Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear. Couldn't put water out of a boot with instructions on the heel. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools. As smart as bait. Smart as a lugnut. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Doesn't know much, but leads the way in nostril hair. Elevator doesn't go to the top floor. Forgot to pay his brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels. His belt doesn't go through all the loops. If he had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. No grain in the silo. Proof that evolution *can* go in reverse. Receiver is off the hook. Several nuts short of a full pouch. Skylight leaks a little.

Dilbert's Laws of Work Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

Don't take life too seriously: You're not getting out alive, anyway.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait till it's free.

I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Dilbert's Laws of Work Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

EXERPTS FROM STEPHEN WRIGHT ....

    I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
    I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
    Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
    What's another word for "thesaurus"?
    When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
    When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I was an only child   . . eventually.
    I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
    For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
    I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said, "Cut it out!"
    I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
    I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."
    I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly) . . . and says, "Here, you can go."
    I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
    I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today." I said "Oops . . ."
   I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
   I spilled Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
   My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.
   I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.
   I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
   I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
   I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road.. I don't know how I got there.
   A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . . . oohh, that's much better.
   I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.
   I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
   Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
   My school colors were clear.
   I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.
   I'm taking La maze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.
When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "the middle of August? Cool!"
   My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She said, "Okay, forget it."

If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

What has three teeth and sixty feet? The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address? slash.slash.backslash.escape

What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common? Their balls are just for decoration.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"? About three inches.

I'm a solid supporter of whichever side eventually wins.

The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Q: What's the difference between a Porcupine and a Porsche owner? A: With a Porcupine, the prick is on the outside!

If you're dyslexic and cross-eyed, can you see ok?

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

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