The Male Stages of Life
Age
Drink
17
Beer
25
Vodka
35
Scotch
48
Double Scotch
66
Maalox
Seduction Line
17
My parents are away for the weekend.
25
My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35
My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48
My wife is away for the weekend.
66
My second wife is dead.
Favorite Sport
17 Sex
25 Sex
35 Sex
48 Sex
66 Napping
Definition of a Successful Date
17 "Tongue"
25 "Breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
Favorite Fantasy
17 Getting to Third
25 Airplane Sex
35 Menage A Trois
48 Taking the Company Public
66 Swiss Maid/Nazi Love Slave
House Pet
17 Roaches
25 Stoned-Out College Roommate
35 Irish Setter
48 Children from First Marriage
66 Barbi
What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
The Female Stages of Life
Age
Drink
17 Wine Cooler
25 White Wine
35 Red Wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure Chaser
Excuses for Refusing Dates
17 Need to wash my hair.
25 Need to wash and condition my hair.
35 Need to color my hair.
48 Need to have Francois color my hair.
66 Need to have Francois color my wig.
Favorite Sport
17 Shopping
25 Shopping
35 Shopping
48 Shopping
66 Shopping
Definition of a Successful Date
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free Meal"
35 "A Diamond"
48 "A Bigger Diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
Favorite Fantasy
17 Tall, Dark and Handsome
25 Tall, Dark and Handsome with Money
35 Tall, Dark and Handsome with Money and a Brain
48 A Man with Hair
66 A Man
House Pet
17 Muffy the Cat
25 Unemployed Boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish Setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy
What's the Ideal Age to Get Married
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
Ideal Date
17 He offers to pay.
25 He pays.
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning.
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids.
66 He can chew breakfast.
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