I really don't know what to say about this past week ... honestly, it's not really one I want to remember. I lost a day somewhere, Monday I think, so it must have been pretty boring. Tuesday night, Jevim and I went out to dinner, and went to Wal-Mart where I splurged and bought another unnecessary software 'toy' called Creatures. We were supposed to go get groceries, but I'd stuffed myself at dinner, and between that and the cough that I had, I just didn't feel like going, so we went home.

The Windows98 beta he'd borrowed from a friend didn't like my new software, so he reinstalled Win95, installed his game and played it for a while, and then installed my game and played it for a while as well. I finally got to play with it a bit, around 11:30 or so, when he went to bed.

Wednesday was another boring sort of day; I think I made an entry, but since Win 95 got reinstalled twice this week, things are shuffled around and I'm not seeing it anywhere. Guess I could always look into file manager... : Thursday... another boring day, I guess; I was still feeling under the weather, so we stayed in and didn't do much after he got home from work.

Friday night we went out to Taco Bell for dinner, and thought to go to a movie, but there wasn't anything I really wanted to see at the Rio (14 theater complex nearby), so we headed out to the car, and the cold got to me pretty bad so we went home. We watched a Winnie the Pooh Christmas special, and then I took a bath, and we curled up together for a while.

I thought Saturday would be better, but... We were going to go to the post office so I could finally mail some stuff, and Jevim had just had to reinstall W95 for the second time in a week (IE 4.01 was the culprit both times), and when he finished that, I wanted to hop online for a minute to find a friend's zip code. I knew where to look, but I couldn't explain to Jevim why I needed to go to the University of Illinois to look up someone at the University of Minnesota (where he went when he was 'driving' for me). I asked him if I could just use the keyboard, and he got up and let me have it, and I found what I was looking for. When I turned to show him, he was lying on the sofa, sulking.

When I asked what was wrong, he said something about how he thought he was pretty good with computers (he is), and I guess he felt like I thought I could do better. I just wanted to get what I needed and out of the apartment; we'd had one misunderstanding already that morning, and I was in a hurry (it was actually closer to 1pm and we hadn't eaten yet, and he wanted to go to the bank and the post office first, so I was trying to get him moving), and I knew he couldn't read my mind. I hugged him and apologized and tried to get him in a better mood; I guess it worked, but unfortunately, my mood was ruined for most of the morning.

I stared out the passenger window in the car most of the way, from the apartment, to the bank, the post office, and then to Taco Bell, and I guess he interpreted it as me being unhappy (though I kinda doubt he saw the tears that I was trying to keep back), so when we sat down for lunch, he asked what I wanted to do. I wanted to go to the used book store a few blocks away and look around for a bit (I'd suggested it earlier, and so he'd gone the long way to Taco Bell, just so I could point the place out for him (when we would have seen it going the quicker way anyhow). He said that sounded boring, and he wanted to do something else. I said fine, and that was just another notch against him for the day.

We finally agreed to go to the new MCI center and look around (well, I said it was fine so he'd quit asking me what I wanted to do; I'd already told him that). As we left Taco Bell, he held his hand out for me to take, but I ignored it. I'm not sure if he knew that I was ignoring it or if he thought I just didn't see. Anyway, I was NOT happy.

We ended up at the Tyson Galleria in Northern Virginia, and after a while I finally unbent and gave up the bad mood, for the most part. We headed back toward home around 5:30, went for groceries, then came home. I don't remember what we did that evening, so he must have gotten sucked into the computer as usual, with football on to boot, no doubt.

Yesterday, it got even worse... I had a bad dream, and tried to wake him up, unsuccessfully, so I waited until he woke up on his own. I just wanted to be held, which he did at first, but he insisted that talking about the dream would make me feel better, so I did. He proceeded to point out how foolish the dream was; as if I didn't know that already. I got up and went out to the living room to be alone and cry and get myself together again, and let him go back to sleep.

When he got up a while later, I was playing FreeCell, and he came over and watched and told me what moves to make; I'd already finished a few games on my own, and though I was stuck at the time, I didn't need to be told everything to do, so I got a little upset about that. I don't remember how, but he wound up on the sofa, and I was sitting with his head in my lap, as he told me what had been bothering him lately. When he'd finished, he asked what I wanted to do for the day, and I told him I just wanted to be with him, because he'd said earlier that he didn't feel like going out or doing anything. He smiled and said thank you, and so I thought we'd spend the day together playing games, cuddling, and so on.

It didn't happen. After we made pancakes and had breakfast, he got sucked into the stupid computer. Oh, he asked if I minded... what was I supposed to say, when he'd said earlier that he played games on the computer to take his mind off his problems with his dad... I said I didn't mind, of course. And I didn't, for the first hour or so. He'd also turned on football (yuck!) and so I finally went back into the bedroom and went to sleep for a while, even though I wasn't terribly tired.

He came in some time later and I woke up just in time to see him going again, and called out to him. He came and cuddled with me for a bit, then headed to the bathroom, which was the reason he'd come into the hall and seen me asleep in the first place. I got up and slipped out to the computer to play a bit while he was in the bathroom; his parents called (wonderful timing, I got to answer the phone) and talked to him for a bit, and then he went back and so I played a bit longer. When he came back out, he laid down on the couch, and I got up from the computer and asked if he'd help me clean the kitchen, which he did. After we finished, he went back to the computer, of course.

I went over on the couch and tried to keep myself entertained, but I eventually got bored, and tried to go to sleep again. He finally noticed and came over and asked if I was tired. I said no, not really, and he asked if I wanted to play a game or something. By that time, I didn't want to do anything with him at all (this was around 4:30), and so I said no. We were both getting hungry, and so he went and was going to make dinner. I did go help him, and that was probably the longest time we spent yesterday doing anything together. I had to finish the cooking by myself though, since he'd gotten into another new game.

Anyway, last night, just as we were about to go to bed (the lights were off, and we were lying with our arms around each other), he realized that he'd ignored me for the computer and the GameBoy (which he'd played with for a while before we turned the lights off) for most of the day, and cried and said he was sorry. I told him it was okay, but after he fell asleep, I realized that wasn't really how I felt. I wound up taking my old teddy bear I'd brought to him for safe keeping, and going out to the couch and trying to fall asleep. It didn't happen, and I eventually went back into the bedroom, but I'd left the bear out here, so he saw it this morning and asked about it. I just said that I'd wanted to be alone and so I'd come out here, and he told me I should have told him to let me have the bed, if that's what I'd wanted.

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling very un-cuddly and un-loving. Jevim was in the opposite sort of mood, of course, and I went along with it a little, but only half-heartedly. After he went off to take a shower and get ready, I was a little less stand-offish, and as usual he won me over, but so many thoughts ran through my head while I was feeling un-loving/cuddly... I actually thought I had completely fallen out of love with him, and wondered if it was permanent... if we really even belong together.

Part of me is still saying "I want to go home..." and is tempted to pack up my things, take his ring off my chain, and just make myself as unobtrusive as possible for the rest of the week. I don't want to tell him this, because I know it's going to hurt, but the longer I put it off, the more distant I feel myself becoming.

I really don't know what to do at this point. I'm going to lay down an ultimatum when he gets home from work this evening: he can play on the computer for ONE HOUR, and that's it... if I get ignored any longer than that, I'm going to be very upset. ... I just realized... it's Monday... Monday Night Football. (many bad words thought but not said) I used to just not like football; I think I'm really starting to hate it.