November 11th
5:40am
What am I doing up this early? Actually, I've been awake since about 5. I'm not sure if it was Mom making coffee in the kitchen that woke me, or the feeling of fear that ran through my whole body.
Why am I afraid? Because I think I've got a new kidney stone, and I'm worried that it might cause problems. I was pretty uncomfortable yesterday on the hour-long ride home from Connie's, but I'm not sure how much less I would have felt if I'd had my cushion. It really helped to have one in Jevim's car, so maybe my one in Mom's car will help on the drive to St. Louis tomorrow. If I start getting antsy right away, Mom's going to wonder what's up, and I'm afraid that if I tell her I think I've got another stone, she won't let me go on this trip.
Connie took me up to Wal-Mart yesterday and I got a refill on my antibiotics, so I'm going to stay on those and hope I don't get an infection. I would much rather be with Jevim if I get sick, but I don't know how my insurance is going to like that, since I'll be out of state.
Anyway... Jevim reminded me this past weekend that I was over ten days behind on my journal, so I guess I'd best try to catch up a bit. I have a few short entries that haven't been posted yet, but I haven't been writing every day.
Last Thursday, I went down to visit my friend Connie. Her girlfriend Emma is really putting her through hell right now, and I got a first-hand (well, second) view of what's going on, and it makes me like Emma even less... I'm to the point where I don't like her at all, and this is a problem since she's supposed to be Jevim's best friend. *sigh*
I was on IRC yesterday, waiting for Jevim, and I saw Emma pop on. She changed nicks a couple times, but I was able to keep tabs on her, and saw her hanging out in "#bifemdomme". Naturally, my impression is that she's looking for someone else. She's already gone after two women other than Connie so far; and I'm supposed to like her?
I made the mistake, when Jevim hopped online, of getting a bit upset and saying something about "the little wench" running off as soon as he hopped online. Well, he'd had a bad evening already, and my calling his friend a wench (I was trying to be nice, and 'wench' was hardly my first word of choice, which I told him later) didn't go over well. He was upset with me for saying that, and upset with himself for putting me in the position of 'putting up with' Emma (my words) for his sake, and we just got all tied up in knots.
When we finally got things settled down (or so I thought), I asked him if he could just tell me that he wasn't still mad at me, and he wouldn't answer, then said he was too numb to know what he felt. I felt like I should go off and hide, since it was my statement that started the whole mess in the first place; if the first DCC chat had gone through, I had started off the conversation in a completely different manner and the whole incident might never have happened.
I guess when I said I felt like I should just go away and leave him alone,he realized how much I was hurting, and asked if he could call me. I wavered on the edge, not really wanting to talk since I'd been crying, but I couldn't tell him no.
We talked for a while and even after the whole issue of Emma was out of the way, he was still upset, and he wanted me to talk to him -- just to hear my voice -- and so I told him about my day, and about my suspicion that I've got another stone, and about this and that, and then we each went and got a drink and hopped back online... me after a fight with the ISP and a reboot.
We chatted some more, and Connie hopped online, but I didn't tell her about spotting Emma on IRC... I figure Emma might have told her anyway, as she called at 1:15am our time Friday (it's an hour later where she is and she had work the next morning?!?) to tell Connie (who had tried to call her all evening) that she'd spent three hours on IRC talking to some woman. And Connie is supposed to be okay with this? *sigh*
I wish Connie could just tell Emma that it's over; this is tearing her to pieces. But Connie is so afraid of being alone that she can't let go. And so I watch and listen while Connie falls to pieces after Emma tells her she's been talking to some woman for three hours online (this coming from she who can't seem to handle a long distance relationship because she needs to have someone THERE), and in the same breath tells Connie not to worry. Yeah, right, she only slept with some other woman (or so I've been led to believe that she did) because that woman wanted to get her into bed, and Connie is supposed to trust her? I don't think so!
Anyway, my weekend wasn't all that fantastic, because Connie didn't feel like doing anything except staring at the TV and eating junk food. I watched three movies with her in the first 24 hours, and by then I was burned out on TV and tried to get through my library books. I ran off to chat with Jevim when she was gone at work, and tried my best to be offline when she got home, though I admit I was talking to Jevim on the phone for a bit each night. It's not as if Emma didn't call her on the other line or vice versa.
Anyway, Saturday she didn't want to do anything at all, and I wound up falling asleep on the couch for a while. When I woke up, she told me I didn't have to stay in the living room with her, and so I said okay and went back to the computer in her room and just messed around for a while. She came in a while later after her clothes to go shower and get ready for work, and I asked her where a CD I had taken out ofthe drive went because I didn't know where the case was. She got short tempered and grumbled something about her mood suddenly going sour, then left, leaving me feeling like this was all my fault.
Well, I stewed about that... shut down what I'd been doing online and went back out in the living room with her. Dinner was about ready,so we ate and she got dressed and left for work about 45 minutes early, though it's only about a ten minute drive across town. I didn't know what to think, and so when Jevim hopped online after she'd left, I told him how I was feeling, and he lectured me a bit about being a friend and told me that I was indeed helping, though it sure didn't feel like it.
When Connie got home, Jevim and I were talking on the phone, and he asked to talk to her. She took the phone and went out in the living room to talk to him for 20 minutes or more and then brought it back to me and he tried to tell me what I needed to be doing, and that I was helping, and so on, and I just started crying, feeling so helpless. All I wanted to do was go home. But I went out in the living room with Connie after we hung up, and we talked for a little bit (she noticed that my eyes were red) and watched Star Trek Voyager and Deep Space Nine, then went to bed.
Sunday morning, she asked if I wanted to go home, and I told her that I did, but it was too late by then for her to take me and still get back to town in time for work, so I told her I'd just wait. We sat around and talked that morning, about things with Emma, things withJevim, and just things in general, and I got to feeling a bit better, though part of me still wanted to go home. At one point, she had apologized for rambling on about everything and I told her it was okay, meaning that I was there to listen and I didn't mind. She turned around and told me that it wasn't, and that she wished I'd quit saying that, and that hurt so I turned away from her and tried to hold back tears. Then she asked if she had to pay for 'this too' and I asked what she meant. She said for ruining everything. I managed to pull myself back together and turn back around, and that's when we changed the topic of conversation and finally got things going the right way.
We had breakfast just before she had to leave to be at work at noon,and I hopped online to chat with Jevim. He stayed online with me the entire time she was at work, chatting, surfing, and playing backgammon. I told him he didn't have to stay home and stay online just for me, but he said that he wanted to, so I didn't try to run him off. When it was time for Connie to get home, I told him I'd call him after X Files,and went out to be with Connie.
I did call him after X Files, though I don't remember talking about anything in particular. We talked until he was sleepy, and then I went back out and watched TV with Connie until she was tired and we went to bed.
My body decided at 6am that I needed a potty break, so I went ahead and went upstairs and caught Jevim online (much to my surprise, since I thought he'd probably sleep in). He said he'd hopped on early to do some surfing before work, but he chatted with me as well. I went back downstairs and back to bed once he was off for work, and as soon as I laid down, the phone rang... Emma, to talk to Connie, and so she went inthe other room, and I fell asleep for another two and a half hours.
I took a bath and washed my hair and all that fun stuff, then we got ready and Connie brought me back home. I loaned her stome stuff for the computer, and once she was on her way back home, I messed around online and started working on a craft project for Jevim for Christmas. I can't mention here what it is because I haven't told him yet, and he likes to read these entries. I'll be working on it while I'm there with him, so he's bound to see it, but for now I just won't say. :)
Anyway, it's now 6:18... didn't think I could write for 40 minutes straight! I'm going to get a drink and maybe a couple cookies to munch, and hopefullyJevim will hop online soon, and be so kind as to put me back to sleep before he heads off to work. Type to you later...
|| Previous Entry | Next Entry | Home | Journal Index ||
