Friday, August 28, 1998
10:06 AM
TODAY'S FORECAST: The forecast today calls for intermittent periods of rain, with no relief in sight.
Jev and I are having problems, or maybe it's just Jev having problems, and I'm getting the fallout. At least, I hope the latter is the case. I know he's not doing any of this to hurt me, but whatever he's doing, it's sure not helping either.
Yesterday morning, I overslept and missed talking to him in the morning. It happens now and again, and I felt bad about it, but I didn't think it was any big deal. It probably wasn't, but when Jev hopped online last night, I knew he was upset about something. He did try to explain; he said that he hated school, and he just wanted to be with me. I thought that was it, but it seemed like he just kept getting moodier. I asked if he wanted to do something (play an online game or somesuch) to get his mind off of it, but he said no, he wanted to do something WITH someone. Of course, we're almost a thousand miles apart right now, so it's kinda hard for me to do anything with him. He said his best friend was gone (graduated last year), and he didn't feel like he had anyone there he could spend time with, just because they wanted to spend time with him.
I didn't know what to say to that... I can't magically get some friend to come knock on his door and ask him to do something. One of his friends had called him and invited him to play a network Quake game, but he turned him down to chat with me. Only, he wasn't chatting much, just being moody.
I had been doing other things (just chatting and web surfing and such) when he showed up online, so I continued to do so. I asked him if he would rather I called him, and he said he probably wouldn't talk much, implying that I'd have to be the one doing the talking; something I'm not good at when one of us is upset. I kept doing my thing for a while longer, and finally, around ten my time, I was tired of sitting here and not talking with him, so I told him I wanted to hop off the computer and call him. I did, and that was when things went from still sorta okay to not so okay.
I tried telling him a little about my day, but he didn't seem interested. I tried undressing on the phone, thinking that might distract him, but that didn't work either. He said he needed me to talk, and I didn't know what the hell to say; I was angry and frustrated because I have no control over what his friends want to do with him; I couldn't exactly snap my fingers and be there to wrap my arms around him, which he said he needed, and nothing I said seemed to help anything. We eventually said goodnight, me trying not to cry, and he hung up. I was so upset, I threw the phone to the foot of the bed, buried my face in my pillows, and tried not to sob too loudly, as I didn't want to have to explain the whole thing to Mom.
I'd shut down the computer while we were talking, thinking we'd get to feeling better once we'd talked on the phone a bit, and that I'd be ready to go to sleep. I guess I laid in bed about fifteen minutes or so, then went and turned on the computer again to hop online.
Connie was on, and I poured out all my frustrations to her, and that helped for the time being, and I chatted with some of my other IRC friends as well, though only half-heartedly. After Connie headed to bed, I hopped offline and played solitaire til about 2, then finally went to bed.
I woke up in time to catch Jev online, and as I was booting up the computer, I got a bad feeling about things, and started to worry. He was online, and I sent him a *squeeeeze* on ICQ while I tried to get myself on IRC.
He was unresponsive, except to tell me what IRC net he was on, and I met him there. He asked if I'd slept well, and I told him no, because I'd been worried about things. I'd had all sorts of unsettling dreams, including one where I'd smacked Chris, a little boy I knew, really hard, because I was so frustrated with him (he was supposed to be going to sleep while his parents were in the shower, and he was doing everything he could to stay awake). I get the feeling that the frustrations were really my frustrations with Jev, and that was my way of dealing with them as I slept.
Anyway, he told me he didn't sleep with the bear I gave him like he usually does, but that it stayed in the bed with him (I assume because he would have gotten weird looks from his roommate for throwing a bear out of his loft, rather than because he wasn't that upset with me... it wouldn't have been the first time my bear has been evicted from the bed), and I told him how I'd thrown the phone and cried after we hung up last night. He said he was sorry for making me upset, and he needed time to get used to being back at school and so on. All I needed was some reassuring word from him that he still cared about me. A smile, a hug, anything. All I got were shrugs and sighs.
He finally said he had to go get ready for class, and he'd talk to me later. I said bye and told him I loved him, and his response to that was that his mind couldn't let his heart say that at the moment. That did it for me; I'd been crying already, scared that I was losing him, and that only served to confirm my fears. I said goodbye again, and he did the same and closed the connection. I shut the computer down again and cried. Not five minutes after I got offline, the house phone line rang, and for a minute, I thought it might be Jev. I let Mom answer it, though, and it was for her, so I used the opportunity to sneak into the bathroom without being seen (red, teary eyes give away a lot), and draw a bath.
After she got off the phone, Mom came and told me she was going to go to the earliest sale, and give me time to finish getting ready. I'd been washing my hair, so shampoo in eyes was a good enough reason for me to be red-eyed, I guess... anyway, if she noticed them, she didn't say anything. She didn't take long at the sale, and I was just finished getting ready when she got back. We hit two sales, but by the second one, I was on the verge of falling apart again, and I just wanted to go home.
We tried to go to one more sale, but it was rained out, so we hit the library, where I found the stupid book that had gone missing for two months had been returned, finally. Of course, I'd already bought it in paperback and read it, so that wasn't much good to me. I didn't find the other Orson Scott Card book I wanted (Seventh Son), but I didn't think they'd had it to begin with, so I wasn't too disappointed. I did find Masterharper of Pern, which I'd been wanting to read (Anne McCaffrey), and some books on Celts and folklore and such, so I didn't leave empty-handed, at any rate.
The library was our last stop, so now I'm here, lurking online and hoping Jev will show up, though I don't know what I would say to him if he did. All I want is one little sign that he still cares... right now, I just feel like I'm not wanted.
8:12 PM
UPDATED FORECAST: The evening calls for mostly clear skies, and cooling temperatures. Evening lows are expected to be much more comfortable, now that the storm has passed. Tomorrow's forecast is for beautiful weather, sunny skies and temperatures in the mid 70s.
Yes, Jev and I got things sorted out. Actually, I think he's the one who got things sorted out. He said he had some time to think between classes, and he realized that he was blaming me when I was only trying to help make things better. He apologized, and we talked, first online, then on the phone because I really needed to hear his voice.
After he headed off for lunch, I went and read a bit of one of the library books I picked up, then took a nap. I woke up to the phone ringing, first mine, strangely, because the battery was near dead, then the house line. It was Jev, wanting to tell me that he had found something to do and he was heading off, possibly til late tonight. He could have dropped me an e-mail, I'm sure, but it was nice to hear his voice again. Mom stuck a pizza in the oven, and we had that and watched "Beethoven", which she'd picked up at some rummage sale, and then we went out yard saling again for a bit.
The local Hallmark is having a drawing for six-packs of Beanie Baby Bears (Glory, Princess, Erin, Peace, Curly and Valentino), so we stopped by there too, and I bought 5 raffle tickets. They're giving away five sets of bears, so maybe I'll be lucky and win a set. I haven't decided yet, though, if I'll keep them all if I win. I want Glory, and maybe Valentino, but they'd make great Christmas gifts, too.
Anyway, we hit one last sale and came home, and I've been goofing off and cross stitching til just a bit ago, when Jev hopped online again. I'd tried to upload this entry to geocities several times now, but it's not behaving, so I figured someone was trying to tell me I needed to finish the entry before I posted it. Here it is, now, in its entirety.
