*sigh*

February 9, 1998

I don't know what to do... I'm at a complete and total loss. I said something to Jevim last night, and now it seems like he's keeping me at a distance.

Jevim's roommate is one of those people who listens to Christian rock, Christian radio shows, and so on. He had the radio on one of those talk shows last night, and someone was going on about how all women really want is to raise a family, and if they feel like doing something else, then they can have a job, as long as it doesn't interfere with raising a family.

I consider myself a Christian, but I don't share that woman's viewpoint. Women have just as much a right to have a job and not raise a family as anyone else. They don't all want to be "good little mothers." I said that the woman needed to open her eyes and take a look at the real world.

Jevim went on to say that someone had been on last week saying that the woman in Texas who killed two people with a pickaxe shouldn't be killed, because she was a born again Christian. He said he would have voted that the woman should have been committed.

I thought he meant all Christians should be committed, (he later restated what he had meant, and that was not the case) and so I asked if he would have voted to have me committed. He typed back a question mark, and I reminded him that I'm a Christian.

He thought I was mad at him, and I wasn't. I thought it was rather funny at the time. He thought I was offended, but I wasn't. I'm not your typical Christian, I guess. As hard as I tried to convince him that I wasn't upset, I knew it wasn't working. I asked him if he felt like talking on the phone, and he said his roomie was there, but if I didn't mind him mumbling, he'd talk.

We got offline, and I went out in the living room to call him (Connie is still here, and was trying to fall asleep on my trundle bed). If anything, I felt like the phone call made things worse. I told him that I wasn't going to try to change him... he said he thought I just went to church to make my mom happy. I told him no, that part of the reason I went was because I consider myself a Christian, even if I don't believe in everything the Southern Baptists stand for (I attend a Southern Baptist church, because that's the church that we were invited to, and felt at home in when we went). Once I said that, it seemed like he took this giant step back from me, and it really hurt.

We never really got things sorted out last night, so when he hung up to go to sleep, I came back and wrote him a message. I tried to explain my point of view, and tell him that I didn't want to change him.

When I woke up this morning, I waited for the computer to boot and hopped online, and I was dreading what he would say. There were none of our usual hugs and kisses and cuddles... just a "*sigh*"

For some reason, he is really scared that I'm going to try to make him become a Christian, against his will. After we had talked for a while, he finally told me about a nightmare he'd had... I was trying to get him to be baptized and he wasn't cooperating, so I was holding him under the water. He woke up just before he drowned.

I don't know what to do! I don't want to change him; I love him, just the way he is. But it feels like he is holding me out at arm's length... like I have some terrible disease he doesn't want to catch... like he does think I should be committed, for believing in a higher power than myself. I don't know how to deal with that... I feel like I can't say anything in my defense, or he'll think I'm trying to convert him.

I've tried reminding him that we have been together how long, and I have never ever tried to convert him. He says that he thinks we just haven't been together long enough to settle into a real routine. I've spent three months with him out of the past six... what more can I do?

I'm stumped. And I'm not being a very good host to Connie, either, being so wrapped up in all this.

As he left for classes this morning, he did go back to hugs and snuggles and allowing himself to be "close," but now I feel like he was just doing it to try to make me feel better, and that when it comes down to the truth, he's still afraid of me suddenly trying to push him under, like in his dream.

I've been functioning on autopilot, doing chores, getting the trash put out... all I really want to do is curl up in bed and cry. I don't want to lose him, and I don't know if he's going to be able to get past his fear of religion, enough to believe me.

Connie left the room as I was typing this, and I just went out looking for her, and found her in the living room reading one of Mom's magazines. I feel like I need to pull myself together and be a good hostess, but I know that's not what I need emotionally. I guess I'll just get this and the last few days' entries put up and hope someone might come along with an answer.

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