Rollercoaster Day

January 16, 1998

This has not been my day... I got up this morning and almost missed Jevim because I closed my eyes again after the alarm went off and fell asleep again. Fortunately, my bladder had other plans, and it only took 20 minutes for me to wake up once more. We did get to chat for a while, and when he headed off to class, Mom was just getting up and wanted me to get dressed to go downtown with her. The florist was having an "indoor sidewalk sale" and they had Cherished Teddies for 20% off.

I got dressed... warmly, because it was about 20 degrees Fahrenheit, and went with her... they had fewer CT's than I do, maybe a dozen in all. All old, and ones I didn't want, and they had marked them up from the suggested retail price (by about 5% I guess) before marking them down. Maybe they always sell them at that price, I don't know, but anyway they weren't anything I wanted.

The sidewalks were all covered with ice, so walking was rather treacherous, but we made it without mishap to the florist, Hallmark, and Penney's (where I found some cute Pooh jammies 75% off and the Scrabble Page-a-Day calendar for half price). We went to Hardee's for breakfast (neither of us had eaten yet) and then to Wal-Mart where I got a few little things.

On the way back, Mom wanted to stop at McDonalds' for coffee, then she pulled into a space in the parking lot to drink it and started crying. I knew why, but she hadn't said anything to me about her aunt and I didn't know how I was supposed to react. She started rambling about how the son of the guy who does our lawn had been in the paper last night for being on the honor roll, and how he always calls her "Sunshine" when he comes over to do help his dad, and off to talking about Josh, her grandson (and my half-brother), who he reminds her of, and crying some more. I just sat there, not knowing what to do.

We headed on toward home and she stopped at the automatic car wash, and started crying again there while we sat in the car. At least that time she said what was wrong... said she was angry at herself for not believing in a miracle to get her aunt through the surgery today, and that she wished she was having the surgery instead of her aunt... I still don't think I said anything, but... : I didn't know what to say or do... I feel so distant from her.

After the car wash, we came home, and I came back and got settled in and online in time to catch Jevim... Mom called me out into the living room sometime later to go over bills with her (I had figured up what I owed her, and given her the money). She kept insisting she owed me $92 that I had not counted in my bills in the first place (and she had not added into her figuring) and she refused to listen to me when I tried to explain it to her (of course I can't say much since I wouldn't listen to her explanation which I knew to be wrong and had the addition to prove).

I finally gave up, and just left, coming back into my room, and I was furious, frustrated, and yearning for the day when I can get away from her and not have to deal with her anymore. I was crying, and upset, and Jevim was trying to make me feel better, but it wasn't helping much. We were playing backgammon and I said I needed to stop after the game we were on, as losing wasn't helping my attitude or emotions any. He said okay, then typed "phone" to let me know he'd be away from the keys for a bit. When the house line rang a couple minutes later, I almost answered it, and I should have, since he was calling me.

He used up one of his 5 minute phone cards (we got them on slurpees at 7-11 while I was there) and just talked to cheer me up a bit. I was feeling better, and we went back to backgammon, and the phone rang again... I didn't answer it this time either, and after about 3 or 4 minutes, mom hung up and started bawling... I knew what had happened, so I told Jevim I'd be back as soon as I could, and went out there.

My aunt's heart had stopped before surgery... they restarted it and did the surgery, but apparently it wasn't successful (again, I heard most of the details when she was telling someone else). This time, at least, I could wrap my arms around her while she cried and I was crying as well; it felt like I was doing the right thing.

When she'd calmed down some, she asked me to put in the video she had of her aunt... I did, then had to leave, 'cause she looked so bad in the video. Mom started crying out her name over and over; I could hardly stand to hear it, even here in my room, as I typed to Jevim to tell him what had happened... I kept myself together, but not for long... all I wanted was to be with him, with his arms around me tight, safe and away from all this...

He stayed online with me til he headed off for dinner about an hour and a half later, and I was on an emotional rollercoaster the entire time he was with me. Once he left, I played games and tried to get my mind off things. It worked, for quite a while, and by time he was back, I was able to have a normal conversation with him without breaking down again.

I managed to stay together most of the evening, til long after Jevim went to bed. Then Connie showed up online and I met her in my channel. Some idiot has been posting porn URLs in the topic (which he/she shouldn't have the ability to do) and this time it really pissed me off. I went to the help channel, and saw someone mention that you could lock a topic so that the founder only (or someone with the founder password) can change the topic. If they change it again, I've got a security problem. *sigh*

Between the frustration of the topic-changing, and tiredness and just being run down, things finally started getting to me, again, so I hopped off IRC once Connie was gone, and now here I am typing this... part of me wants to go back on IRC, but I know what I really want is to go back on IRC and find Jevim there, and he won't be. Or climb up into his loft with him and snuggle up to him and let him put me to sleep... I can't wait until March...

I'd best go, I'm getting myself more worked up... bye for now.

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