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Searching for the Woman InsideMay 8, 1998, 11pmWhere do I start looking for me? Perhaps the question should be 'Who do I want to be?' That, at least, is a little easier to begin answering. I want to be someone with self confidence, who isn't afraid of new situations, and meeting new people. I want to live each day to the fullest, instead of letting time slip by and losing track of what day it is. I want to have something to show for myself when the day is through; to stick to something until it's finished, and have something to be proud of. It's a beginning... Now the question is, 'Where do I begin making changes?' In just my day to day routine, I suppose. Like answering the phone, instead of waiting for the machine, or whoever else is in the house, to get it. The phone has always been a sort of enemy of mine; I'm really not sure why. I can remember when I was seven or eight, and I used to play secretary for my dad on weekends, answering the phone for him, taking messages and the like. When I was about twelve, Mom and I had moved in with a gentleman friend of hers; they had gone over to his daughter's or somesuch, leaving me home alone, and I can remember the phone ringing, and being afraid of answering. I'm not sure, but I suspect something must have happened a year or two earlier. Mom's gentleman friend of the time (yes, there have been a few) was bad with finances, and I guess bill collectors were calling. I don't know if Mom had told me not to answer the phone, or if I might have been home and answered and been harassed somehow by a bill collector. I'm guessing one or the other was probably the case, and that event was ingrained in my memory, though I can't consciously recall it. To this day, I dislike answering phones, or talking to strangers on the phone. People playing games, making me guess who they are when I don't recognize the voice, are likely to get hung up on, if I'm in the mood to be rude. I know the phone's not going to up and bite my ear or anything, and if it came right down to someone harassing me, all I have to do is hang up, but even so, I hate phones. Just one of my little neuroses. There are so many little things I'd like to change. Sometimes it seems so hopeless. There are days when I have no fight in me, and all I want to do is hide away in my safe little world, curled up under the covers with an old, familiar book, or killing time playing some mind-numbing computer game. I've started this journey toward finding the real me several times before, though I might not always have realized that it was where I was trying to go. This time, I'd like to reach my destination, and this is the first step. Somewhere inside is the person I want to be; the potential is there, but it neds to be nurtured and encouraged. I know Jev will try to help as much as I hcan, but this is really something I have to do, on my own, for me and nobody else. Tomorrow, Connie will be gone almost all day, testing in the morning and working in the evening. My goals are to beat the answering machine to the punch whenever possible, and to write an essay about something. It doesn't have to be long, and it doesn't need to involve any research, except, perhaps, delving into my own thoughts. I just want to get into the habit of writing about something besides myself, and my relationship with Jev. Bedtime for me; we'll see how tomorrow goes when it gets here. || Home | Journal Index ||
 
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