November 5, 1998
10:40 PM
Jev and I got to talking tonight, about homes and memories, and growing up, and wondering what might have happened, if we'd grown up knowing each other.
He was saying, he was only in the 7th grade when I was a senior in high school. He'd been freaked out enough that year when a 9th grade girl asked him to a movie; I can only guess what might have happened if a 12th grader had asked.
For all of our four and a half year age difference, though, I rarely give it much thought. I certainly don't feel 27, unless I'm having a bad day, and it's hard to believe Jev's 22. Most of the time, he seems much more mature. We both have our not-so-mature moments, but that's just life; besides, it's fun to be a kid at times.
On a deeper level, though, I am aware of the age difference, and it's a psychological help to me. See, with all my negative experiences with peers (teasing), and older men (figures of authority, who frighten me to some degree, lumped in with the 'unsafe stranger' as well), I feel a little more in control of things. Not that I have to be the one in charge of where we go or what we do, but knowing on a subconscious level that Jev is somehow a little more vulnerable than I am... even if physically, it's not true.
That probably makes little or no sense to most of you, but in simpler terms, it goes something like this:
- I'm afraid of men, and probably always will be
- Because of the sense of security my age difference over Jev gives me, I don't feel threatened or intimidated by him, and didn't really feel that way even from the start.
Not to say that if we were the same age, or if he were older, that it wouldn't have worked out... It's more a matter of the fact that it took me less time to become comfortable and secure enough with him to forge a relationship than it might have, otherwise.
I do wish we'd been able to share more of our lives together, up to this point, but I'm still very thankful for the times we have had together, even when we've been in separate states. It won't be too much longer now; then all this apartness will end, and we can start to make up for lost time.
It hasn't been the easiest road to get to where I am in life, and it hasn't been the most pleasant journey at times. But I'm here, and I can see some of the best times waiting up ahead, and Jev is on his path, that will soon meet up with mine, the two will become one, and we can walk it together. It's going to be so wonderful... just having him in my life now is wonderful enough; being with him always will be bliss. And yes, I'm getting very sappy. What can I say? I love him!
G'night.... -- Lis
