Tuesday, November 17, 1998
9:52 PM
Up to this point in my adult life, I can't think of anyone who I have ever given all of my trust. I've been abandoned (at least in my mind), betrayed, lied to, teased, tormented, led on by a former (incarcerated!) child molester (he told my mom and I he was in prison for driving drunk and killing someone), and I can only think of a handful of the people I've known who never did anything to hurt me. Not surprising, considering our imperfect world, but not very encouraging, either, when it comes to trusting someone implicitly.
Jev and I have been together for over two years now; most of that time has been restricted to online and phone conversations, but we've spent a few months here and a few months there, and I dare say we've had close to half a year together now, in bits and pieces. And yet, I've never honestly been able to give him 100 percent of my trust. I love him with all my heart, but I've always been afraid that some day I'd say or do something that he couldn't deal with, and I'd lose him.
I think that's probably the biggest culprit when it comes to not being able to talk to him. With everyone else, I'm afraid of being laughed at, made fun of, hurt and embarrassed. But those things fade quickly, usually in just a few days. If I lost Jev though, I would be devastated. I don't think there would ever be anyone else in my life... even if I were around long enough to try to find someone. I just don't see it happening.
And so, I have always been reticent to talk, to be completely open and completely honest, afraid that one day, the wrong thing would slip out... my brother strangled a girl, in the bedroom across the hall from mine.... I had surgery the day I was born for a colostome, and I had it for a year and a half... I believe in my dreams ... I believe in heaven and an afterlife. I've always worried that one of these things I've admitted to is going to be the thing that he can't accept.
So, tonight, I told him how I felt... why I think I'm afraid of talking; that I'm afraid of losing him; that I haven't been able to trust him completely, as he has trusted me. And it hurt him to hear that last one, I know... it wasn't easy for me to say those things, but somehow, I managed. I got them out, probably halfway because I'd talked about some of them with someone else in e-mail today. I had an idea of what needed to be said, and I finally said it.
I told him how sorry I was that I haven't been able to give him all my trust, and that I don't think it's his fault. There has been one incident where we had a disagreement over something and I thought then from the way he reacted that I was going to lose him, but given the time to think things through, he was able to accept what I said, and accept me the way that I am, even though I'm sure it wasn't easy for him. One time, in two years... a pretty amazing record.
Yes, we have our disagreements... both of us have stormed off (as much as is possible in the online realm) a time or two, but never for long. I think that's normal for any couple... if we were exactly alike, and agreed on everything, I think that might be a pretty boring relationship.
Anyway, tonight I've decided to take the plunge... I asked Jev if he could promise me that no matter what I may say or do, even if he has to take some time and think things over, that he will never stop loving me. He made that promise with no hesitation at all, and I believe him. It's had a while to sink in now, and he's fallen asleep in the mean time (we've been doing the Netmeeting thing again), but when he wakes up, I have something to tell him.
I feel better now... hopefully this will be the start of something good.
