Wednesday, November 18, 1998
10:52 PM
Tonight, I feel something that I haven't felt in a long time... a sense of balance, of being in control, and of being at peace.
Jev and I had a nice day and evening, we chatted here and there, we each went off and did our own thing, and were able to come back and tell the other about it, and the other was interested and attentive... we watched Babylon 5 together, and after that, he crawled up into bed and we talked just a little more, about maybe going car-shopping while I'm there visiting him over the holidays.
We didn't get into any deep conversation, but we didn't need to... we were both feeling lighthearted, and teasing one another just a bit. I wish more of our nights had been like this one was, and I hope in the future that more of them are.
I got to the library today, and looking up in the "New Nonfiction" area, I picked up Something More, Sarah Ban Breathnach's sequal to her book Simple Abundance, which I haven't actually read. Something More is a bout about "Excavating your Authentic Self," or so the subtitle proclaims. I'm not really way into the New Age movement, but I've enjoyed reading some of the related books, and this one has definitely piqued my interest.
While Jev was off having dinner and goofing off, I took a nice long bath, with low lights and candles and bath oils, and laid in the tub and read some by candlelight. I got out a bit earlier than I might have, because I saw what looked like the beginnings of an exercise, and my thoughts started running away with me and I wanted to get them down in print (me write things by hand? not when I'm trying to keep up with my thoughts at that pace!).
I'd started my hard disk defragging before I climbed in the tub, and it was still running, but I had a text file open already to jot things down, and I started typing, just a list of things that have stood out in my memory, as a child, going from my earliest memories, all the way up to about the end of 8th grade, when I was thirteen years old.
One of the things I realized, that I hadn't thought about before, was that the teasing I endured wasn't something that started with Aaron and his bunch in fifth grade, it had gone on for a very long time, even as far back as second and third grade. Only a couple years looking back now, but to an eight or ten year old, that's an eternity!
Anyway, I just wrote down whatever came to mind, and wound up backing up and adding things in here and there (ah, what would I do without my trusty computer), and just trying to see where memories fit in the scheme of things. Kinda interesting... Even thinking about it now, I can think of more little events that I could go back and add in, the little things that define who I am, and how I got here.
Maybe down the line, after I've had a chance to share things with Jev, I'll put a somewhat edited version of things up here on my site. I know I share a lot here, but there are a few little things that are just too personal. I will, though, share them all with Jev, as these are the things that he deserves to know about me.... things I have always been afraid of talking about, wondering, "what if this is the one that he can't accept." I think, and I hope, that sharing my little memory timeline with him will help me be more open with him.
Thinking over the past couple days, and how I'm feeling tonight, I'm becoming more certain that I've taken a step in the right direction. This is something I've been putting off and avoiding and neglecting for a long time, and because of it, I've held back my complete trust from Jev, though he earned it long ago. I was always afraid that my not being able to talk to him (which was basically because of that lack of trust) would be the ruin of our relationship. I know it's not a problem that's going to just disappear overnight, but I can definitely feel myself chipping away at the block, and it's a good feeling.
