Milestone: One Year and Counting
October 15, 1998
Today marks one year since I first started this journal. There've been some changes in my life, and in my world, but a few things are still the same. Jev and I are still as much in love as we were a year ago, and still looking forward to next May, when he will graduate and we can finally be together permanently.
As for changes, I guess the biggest is in my Mom. Last year at this time, she gave me a suicide note she'd written back in 1995, when we had first moved back here to Missouri. This year, she has just started her own depression support group, and they had their first meeting just yesterday. I could use some support with my own depression monstas, but I'm too afraid to tell her about them, for fear that she will drag me in to the psychologist and put me through the whole routine. I have my bad days, usually when things get stressful, as they were last week, but most of the time, I manage fairly well.
Last Friday was not one of those times. Since getting back from my vacations this summer, and most recently from my trip to Seattle, WA and Vancouver, BC, I've been feeling very unhappy with my position... that is, being a virtual prisoner in my own home most of the time, because I don't drive, and I have to rely on my mom, who doesn't get out all that much herself. When people ask me how I like living here, I usually tell them I don't... well, while I was in Washington, my mother's friend asked me, and instead of the usual "I don't," I said, "I hate it!" and I surprised myself with the vehemence with which I said it, and how good it actually felt to admit it.
I do hate living here; I need a real city, with things to do and places to go. The biggest thing to do in town is to go to Wal Mart (we have a supercenter, big whoopie) on Friday night. I swear, it's scary, to see how many people do just that! Anyway, my being stuck here will end in another seven or eight months, so the end is coming into sight. I don't know where I'll move, but anywhere but here, hopefully.
Last week was hellacious for a number of reasons... Jev got a warning from school about a policy violation, and we were both worried that it would go beyond just the warning... anything from pulling his net access, to suspending or ejecting him from school. He was scared silly (and so was I) and I was doing my best to try to support him and keep him together, which took all of my energy. That, combined with the let-down of coming home from my last trip, and the stress of having another doctor's visit looming (it was the 8th), was just too much. I made it through the doctor visit, only to find that my kidney stone or calcification or whatever the hell it is is back again, and then I completely lost it.
I broke down on Jev, last Friday, I think, and admitted to him that I was having some major problems with depression. It scared me to tell him that, especially since his sister has been having similar problems, and she finally ended up dropping out of college because of it, and she's now living with her boyfriend (and doing I have no idea what). He hasn't sounded too forgiving about the depression in his sister's case, and I really wasn't sure how he would react.
He was supportive, of course, and kept trying to come up with ideas of how to get me out and meet people and make friends and feel useful, but being in the depressive state I was in, I wouldn't agree to any of it. Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with me when I'm like that. Anyway, I destressed a little once it was obvious that he was going to be helpful and not criticizing, or try to tell me I needed to go in for counseling or medication or any of that.
His parents were coming down to spend the day with him Saturday, so I had to spend most of the day without him, and since we had net problems all weekend, he didn't stay online much that evening after they were gone, when I really needed him. I didn't handle that very well, and basically my whole weekend was pretty miserable because I didn't get to see much of him, but come Monday, I was starting to get back into better spirits. I'm still easily tipped back into a depression, but I'm feeling better at least.
Of course, one crisis ends only to make way for another, right? Jev's been interviewing with different technology companies, looking for a good job offer for when he graduates. There was a job fair at school last month, and he put in resumes with a number of different companies, and had done phone and face to face interviews with several. One is flying him down to North Carolina for an interview and to show him around at the end of the month, and some others seem interested as well.
Tuesday, he got word back from one of the companies he'd interviewed with that they weren't interested in interviewing him anymore, and he didn't take it very well at all. He got the idea into his head that everyone was going to start turning him down, and that even the company he co-oped for all this time he's been in school isn't going to want him either.
No matter what I said to try to convince him otherwise, he thought he was worthless and that we'd wind up living somewhere I'd hate (like here where I am now) and nothing would go right. I tried to be supportive, I tried to talk him out of his crazy ideas, and I finally got frustrated and angry. Nothing worked.
Finally, he asked to hear my voice, so I fired up Netmeeting (the net was behaving itself again after the weekend), and I guess hearing me talk calmed him down. I still felt terrible over getting upset and not being any help to him and all, but we eventually got things ironed out, and yesterday he seemed to be feeling at least a bit better about himself. Of course now he's coming down with a cold. Poor baby. *sigh* When it rains, it pours... he's taking vitamin C and hoping to shake it off.
Now that I've updated you a bit on the last couple weeks (Jev has been nagging me for weeks to update, but I've been torn between doing that and doing a complete site rehaul), I'm going to see what I can do about updating older entries. Type to you later...
--Lisana
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