I don't know why I put off writing this until now... Star Trek Voyager is on, and Jev should be back any time now. I haven't talked to him all day so we'll probably have some catching up to do, and Voyager is probably new.
I don't recall offhand how much I've talked about it, but Mom's been searching for a daughter she gave up for adoption some 32 years ago. We finally got a lead on it earlier this week, and I did some web sleuthing to try to find phone numbers and so on. I searched using her daughter's maiden name and her married name, but came up empty. Well, today Mom came in and asked me to look for a phone listing for her under her maiden name. I told her I had... she said, "You said you looked under her married name." I wish I had told her, 'I do have a brain, thankyouverymuch; it would be nice if you gave me credit for it, now and again.'
Anyway, since Jev's been gone (doing a workshop, and then helping a friend of his with some linux stuff, and then spending the evening playing computer games in the lab), I've been getting some of this stuff off my chest to my e-mail friend in Denver. She's a good listener, and usually has some helpful insights on things.
Tonight, our exchange has got me thinking about lots of things... Things I'd like to say to Mom, and Julie; things I'd like to ask, about my birth father... but I'm afraid to come out and talk to either of them about it. The only reason I know anything about my birth father is because my brother (Julie's brother, actually) gave me some details a few years back.
But Julie's almost as much a mystery to me at times as my father... I mean, I've spent perhaps three weeks in her company that I have any remembrance of at all. In some ways we're complete opposites, and in others, we have the same tastes. It's weird... I just feel like I need some sort of connection, or roots. But I'm afraid of asking, for fear of prying too much, and creating a bigger rift between us... us being me and my mom as well as me and Julie. It's all so confusing.
And then there's Jev... Last night he read my entries, and asked about what I mean yesterday when I said that getting married would be peace of mind.
I couldn't explain it to him at the time. Part of it is just having medical coverage and all that I'll be able to get when we're a couple, but... it's more than that. I guess there's a part of me that wants or maybe needs that implied promise. It's not that I don't trust him, and hell, with broken homes running in my family, it's kinda like tempting fate to tear us apart, but... there's something more, that I just can't define.
I know I'm not making much sense right now.... things aren't making a lot of sense to me. There are too many things that need sorting out, and I feel like I'm holding a handful of ribbons, all tangled together... if I just try to pull them out of the mass one by one, I'll just make the knots worse.
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