Who am I?

What a question to ponder. I could say so much or I could say so little. For now, until I become more brave I will not say much. I am just a person, a person who has a computer and a lot of free time. I am like anyone else, I have a past, I have a present, and I have a future. None of these are guaranteed good or bad, and chances are if you are reading this your past and maybe your present aren't the greatest, but your future can be what you choose it to be.

I can make any good situation seem bad, and any bad situation seem even worse. I am the type of person who goes out, shoots a gun, blows the center out of the target everytime, and get mad because I have to keep changing the target. I have not had the greatest past, I have dealt with a lot. Mostly sexual abuse and the deaths of people close to me, most recently my best friend, Arthur, he was my dog. I know you are probably thinking a dog can't really be my best friend, but he was. When I was raped he was there for me to cheer me up, when I was depressed for no reason or many reasons he was there, when I was actually happy he would play with me. He was my dog and I find it harder to deal with his death, than I do all the abuse I have suffered or even the death of my brother last year.

That would probably be because his death is the only thing I have dealt with. Everything else, the abuse, the deaths, my wide array of medical problems, and just about anything else, I have put in the back of my mind and have not dealt with any of it. I am seeing a counselor, and I have been for almost a year. At first I was not too thrilled with the idea for several reasons, like having to open up to someone, having to deal with things, and fear of having one more person dislike me. It has turned out not to be bad. I have actually found that it helps, as scary as dealing with things are and as little as I do deal with them it does help. I am taking small steps, that gets me there slowly but eventually, what is now in the back of my mind and not bothering me until someone touches me the wrong way or says the wrong thing, will not bother me at all. I can deal with the scary feelings by not running from them. Also I have found that my counselor is better than many out there. I hear so many horror stories of people's counselors. Like the counselor blaming them for the abuse, or saying if you want to kill yourself it is up to you, and most are not supportive. Mine I find to be very supportive, caring, honest, and with my best interests in mind. I got lucky I hope you do too.

Well now you have heard my thoughts and a brief amount of my past, if you have any questions or just would like to talk email me or page me on ICQ (#4080163). I am in the eastern time zone, and I am usually around.


Oct. 02, 97


I am a 19 year old, female, psych major at Penn State University. When I was really young I was molested on different ocassions by different male friends of the family. Other things in my life are my medical problems, I have Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Syndrome(Both are muscle disorders that i have very severely and they conflict with each other causing many problems), and my doctors can't help much. I have had some surgeries for different things.

Many people ask what I do for fun, I don't really. Often I like to shoot my guns but often I don't trust myself to do that, and keep the gun aimed somewhere other than myself, so I don't go out. I used to ramp my bike but now I can't even ride it. So generally I sit in my room and catch up on email and check out things on the net. Pets I have are a pot belly pig and a miniature doberman. I had a basset hound but he died recently. He was my best friend. He was my life. Everything I had left to live for. When I was abused he was here, when I was raped he was here, when I was depressed, sad, happy, or whatever my mood he was here for me. I would talk to him,and if I was depressed he would stare up at me with his cute eyes and try to get a smile out of me, and if I would not smile he would run around and roll over until I would. Now he is gone, and so is what feelings I did have of being safe, and my best friend. Family I live with, my sister who is 17, 18 in december(I protect her too much I guess, I won't let her have a boyfriend), my mom and my dad.


There is more, but this much scared me to put up. When I get more nerve I will add more. BTW sorry I mentioned the dog thing twice, I wrote this a while ago, just now had the nerve to post it. but I still miss my dog really bad.


Nov. 21, 97



I have recently spent a few weeks in the local hospital psych ward. While there I was able to talk to my mom about the guy who raped me when i was 12. I am 19 now. She at first blamed herself, but I convinced her it s not her fault, I still love her and don't blame her. I decided to press charges against him and let the township know about it. I live in a very rural area, only 234 people in the township. Many mothers have said they are proud of me. I am just glad it is off my chest and maybe I saved a kid from going through the same. I hope I did, and I know this is going to be a long and painful process, but I now haave the support of my family, boyfriend, and counselor. so for change I am taking back control of my life, the time for him to be in control is over. I never thought I would do this but it feels good. If anyone else has prosecuted before please email me and let me know.


Jan 15, 98



I have been living with my boyfriend for the past 6 months. In those six months I made some progress in my healing. But I also realized I am not ready to deal with all that comes with a relatioship, it is too stressful, so I left. I am going to try to work on healing with my new counselor. I decided to start seeing a rape counselor about two months ago. She is really great and thinks with real logic and uses her own past to help me with mine. She makes much more sense than all the other people I have seen.

Other thing I have been up to are; I joined the fire department, signed up for fall classes at Penn State, and have plan to go for EMT certification in August. These are some of my new interests and goals.