Some More Recent Writings

For My Sweet
August 1997

I have not seen your face, have not touched it with my hands,
But I know its expressions and feel its countenance through your words.

I have not walked with you in moments of silence, listened to the quiet rhythms of your breath,
But I know the path you wish to follow.

I have not tasted your lips, or inhaled your fragrance,
Yet I know that they are tender and sweet.

I have not felt your body beside mine, have not felt the quivers of delight in your presence,
But your mind has aroused me with anticipation.

I have not walked a mile with you yet in this world,
but my heart has told me that this is the path we need explore together.

I have not told you, live and in person, how my soul aches to touch your heart,
But it does and I long for you.

And I have not yet told you with my voice, though I have just begun to know you,
You have taken hold of my heart, warmly and tenderly.

Take this walk with me, love, and let me love you.

Let Me Be There For You
August 1997

Love which brings two people together,
Embracing them, their souls to journey in life together.

My soul is here to love you, comfort you,
Accept you, here, now and evermore.

Battered your soul seems at times,
An enigma which I desire to know, to cherish, to adore.

Truth seems muddled and lost at times,
Hidden behind old wounds and scars.
Exposing oneself again, risking rejection,
Evading more pain at all cost.

From you I want nothing more than to openly share with you
Joy, fear, pain, lust, anger.
Relinquish not my spirit and its offerings.

You must believe yourself worthy of my love and concern.
Until that time, it will be here for you, awaiting your acceptance.

Sinking Feelings
November 1997

Sometimes the words are not forthcoming.
Instead there are these feelings, nagging at my gut,
Keeping me stuck in some past memory.
Nemeses so nasty and gnatlike,
Drawing upon my energy to merely keep them at bay.

Forging new ground.
Extending myself beyond previous self-imposed limits.
I am quite certain I have done this before.
Now I must focus on things for which
I am grateful to have in my life…for life itself,
Setting my heart and mind free to move on.

Look Deeper
November 1997

Languid movements overcome the spirit which seeks flight into new territory.
Only a temporary setback to the keenness with which I attempt to master life’s challenges.

Doubt creeps in every now and then,
Eroding only slightly the progress made in days past.
Eventually, the steps are forward again,
Rebounding me into greater growth and understanding.

No Bridges Burned
January 1998

Nothing has made me capable of erasing you from my heart.

Broken as my heart was.
Ripped apart by the insane desire to gather strength,
Endure hardship, suffer through love beside you.

Bolstered now by our separation,
My heart and soul were uplifted to hear your voice,
Resonating in my ears and in my mind.
Nothing could ever change what I feel for you.
Eternally my heart belongs to you.
Destined we are to be connected always, heart, body, and soul.

If You Could See Beneath The Surface
February 1998

If you could see beneath the surface,
Of my cool and subdued countenance,
You would see a love and passion,
Yearning to be shared with you.

My heart beats with trepidation,
Each time you hold me in your arms.
And I long to tell you of my desires,
To know your heart, to share its dreams.

The words I long to tell you,
Have approached my lips so many times.
And the fearful pounding of my heart
Recalls those words before spoken.

Someday I may find the courage,
To tell you how I feel.
For now my passion will only peek through,
Shown in the twinkle of my blue eyes.

I wonder if you see what I feel
When you hold me and touch me.
I wonder if you'll ever read this.
I wonder if it will scare you away.

If I Have Not Told You Lately...
May 17, 1998

If I have not told you lately...

That just the thought of you makes me smile;
That when I am with you I feel safe and loved;
That my heart picks up its pace when I hear your voice;
That my days are brighter because of you;
That my nights are not so lonely, thinking of being with you again.

If I have not told you lately...

That I believe in you, in your kindness and goodness, and strength and devotion;
That I know you are struggling right now;
That I would like to be a source of encouragement and strength to you, if you will simply let me;
That I will be beside you whenever you need me, and stand back when you need to stand alone;
That I will be your friend whenever you need one.

If I have not told you lately...

That my soul is happy to have met yours;
That my heart swells with affection for you;
That I long to be with you and I dream of the time we have to share;
That I have found a place of comfort and joy in your arms;
That your eyes speak volumes when I look into them.

If I have not told you lately...

That I love you.

My Trembling Heart
June 23, 1998

My eyes yearn to look inside your soul,
To know you, love you, embrace you.
Revealing myself to you is something I contemplate with great trepidation.
My mind goes blank when I try to speak, leaving me helpless, grappling with my fear.
Nothing I tell myself allows me to loosen
The grip of terror in which my heart is captured,
The terror that you will leave me.

How I hope you can understand I love you,
I want to be with you,
Evolve with you,
Grow with you.
In time, open up to you.
I have so many insecurities.
People have abandoned me in their frustration, anger, and disgust.
In my heart I always believe this abandonment inevitable.
And so I push people away, before they can leave.
I fear that inherently I am unlovable and in time, you will leave me.
These are my fears, my heart, my love.
I share them with you now so you may understand me a little better.

Overwhelmed
July 30, 1998

Overlooking the warning signs, venturing out on a limb where I should not be.
Each twist and turn creating more doubt, wreaking havoc with my heart.
Reluctant to give in to the panic, although it weighs me down.
Holding my mind and heart hostage.
Etched in my mind is your face, your smell, your touch, your voice, your eyes.
Looking into your eyes I felt connected.
More and more, I realize am I simply overwhelmed, overloaded, and exhausted.
Desperate to let go of these thoughts of you, yet they persist.

Opening Blossom
November 18, 1998

On the swells of emotion,
Perilously close to exposing the tenderness and love I feel for you.
Nothing intimidates me more than knowing the power I give you when I say I love you.
I try gently to forge forward, unfettered by my fear.
I pray silently that you may treat me gently, and handle me with care.
My heart is delicate when given completely.

At times, I forget that you may share this trepidation.
I want you, and I love you.
It scares me to know how much I feel for you in such a short time.
So many things we have yet to learn about each other.
I have made mistakes before with others.
I hope I have learned from them,
I want not to repeat them with you.
Have patience with me as I learn to be open with you.
You have been kind and open with me,
That encourages me to be the same.

This flower of my heart, squelched before in full bloom, yearns to open to you now.
Its petals are soft and tender, bruised easily.
I want to share it with you.

Sharing My Life With You
May 24, 1999

This morning I kissed you goodbye.
And it seems an eternity
Before I will kiss your lips hello again.
Though only hours pass between the time together,
Each moment with you is delightful, exciting, alive.
I miss you more than words can express.
There are times my eyes swell with tears,
Reflecting on the joy you have brought into my life.

I am afraid, at once, for the intensity of what I feel.
These feelings violate the promise made to myself years ago.
A promise to protect, to rebuild my fortress,
To shield my heart from another heartbreak.

Then I close my eyes.
And I see your eyes before me,
Looking into mine,
Conveying a warm caress,
A tenderness of heart.
The swells of emotion and memories reassure me.
There is nothing I would not give to have you in my life,
To hold and embrace you within my heart.

Your touch, your soothing voice, your calm manner,
I would not trade these for all the mountaintops.
Nor would I trade your love for the enticing and invigorating breeze,
Felt upon my skin as I stand atop a hillside,
The warmth of the sun penetrating my body.
I would not give your love away for a rushing brook,
Or the soothing sound of the retreating surf on a pebble beach.

The mountains, the breeze, and the surf
Have always been a part of my life.
And they brought me joy and peace.
And now that I have you to share them with,
They seem even more beautiful and calming,
Restoring my serenity.

You are...
July 14, 1999

You are the relieving sigh
At the end of trying day.
You are the warmth of the sun
As it lights my face
In the crisp, clear, deep blue skies
Of a brisk autumn day.
You are the earthy, soothing, smoky smell
Of a fire burning in some distant hearth.
You are a cool, gentle breeze
On the hottest of summer days.
You are a warm, soft towel
Wrapped around a cool, wet body,
Providing dry warmth.

You are the smile on your little girl's face,
The twinkling light in her blue eyes,
The laughter that crosses her lips.
You are the golden glow of energy
That radiates from her tiny body.
You are her soft fingertips
Held gently against my cheek.
You are the awe and wonder
I see on her face,
Day after day.

You are my partner.
You are my passion.
You share my hopes and dreams.
You are my confidante.
You hear my deepest, darkest secrets.
You hear my fears.
You are the reason I can cry without worry.
You are the reason I feel safe at night.
You are the reason I feel loved.

You are the reason for my love.