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Get your own Free Home PageDo I live or should I die
A choice only I can make
The future is dim
Hopelessness is everywhere
Love is lost
Trust is taken away
Strength is a fallacy
The pain eats your insides
Why does it happen
There is no answer
Your mind races and confuses
Change is inevitable
Everything is a struggle
It could end just as easily as it started
This is where the problem lies
Do I live or should I die
Missing someone is the most painful feeling
Even before they leave you, you need to begin dealing
To continue to live is not easy to do
You are left all alone, by yourself and blue
No one understands this sense of loss
It's an individual emotion and only you are the boss
People make you mad when they say it will be all right
But it never is and all that does is start a fight
Why do you have to go, Why do you need to leave
Is it something I said or did, Is it from me that you want to be freed
Don't you care about me, Will you miss me when you're gone
You mean so much to me, I don't know if I can still go on
You have done so much for me, in my life you have played a significant part
You are a confidante, a friend, you will always have a special place in my heart
So now I am here abandoned and terrified
By myself once again you left me alone to cry
Again I am here alone and scared
Because you made me feel like this,
I knew you didn't really care
There is nowhere to turn I have no one else left
I am all alone in the world, because of you,
Just awaiting my death
This never should have happened, it just wasn't meant to be
I was foolish to have thought someone like you would ever care about
someone like me
You were the only person left to trust, the one I could talk too
I didn't think you were like the rest
But here I am again feeling empty and blue
I share with you what is in my heart, I bare to you my soul
You were suppose to be the final one
You were not suppose to go
And even though you are still here, I can't help feel you've already left
Because you told me yourself that I have to make my own decisions
I have to choose what I think is best
Well I hope you will feel sorry when my end is near
Because you left me to do what I could not
And you knew it was one of my biggest fears
There is so much in my life now that I will never get to do
I will be trapped inside of a living hell and it will be all
Because of you
All alone in the world, I feel it everyday
Do you understand me?
I didn't think so
Sometimes the pain is unbearable, I don't know where to go
Do you understand me?
I didn't think so
Everyone says don't do anything stupid, but they don't know how I feel
Do you understand me?
I didn't think so
Since I'm all alone, I have a lot of time to think
My mind confuses everything, and I can't straighten things out
Do you understand me?
I didn't think so
I have friends I can talk to, and they are great support
But they never experienced what I did
Do you understand me?
I didn't think so
I know there are others who feel what I feel
Who understand, who have experienced what I did
Do you understand me? Do you know how I feel?
I didn't think so
I just want one person to understand me, no more
One person who feels and cares about how I feel because they can feel my pain
Do you understand me?
I just want one person to make me cry, to make me feel because I can't
And when I cry I want them to hold me so I know I'm safe
and no one will hurt me ever again
Do you understand me?
Can you help me? Please?
Don't look down on me,
it's not my fault.
I cannot help what happened,
I was too young.
Don't look down on me,
I could not stop him,
He was twenty years older than me,
what could I do?
Sure I could have said "no"
but they never listen.
Don't look down on me,
I know it's disgusting,
but I'm not bad,
I'm a good person.
I would never hurt anyone,
especially the way I've been hurt.
Don't look down on me,
I did not ask for it,
I did not deserve it!
Don't look down on me.
The smell of sterilization
The sight of white jackets flying everywhere
Needles puncturing skin
Blood being drawn and spilled all over
IV's being inserted over and over after veins collapse
Patients crying in fear
Others screaming in pain
And yet others unconscious in a comatose state
Doctors and Nurses running and yelling
Ventilator needed here STAT!
We've got a bleeder here, punctured aorta, spewing all over!
Call the Resident Cardiologist!
Through all of this commotion though
There is a strange silence
The sounds of heart monitors and oxygen regulators
Beating at different rates
DISTRESS! DISTRESS!
Patient is flat-lining!
Get the paddles--300--All clear!
No response!
Still in cardiac arrest!
Once again--400--All clear!
We've got her!
take her to OR#3 NOW!
MOVE!
The rush of adrenaline is starting to lessen
A two minute break
At least until the next emergency
Dirty pleasure that keeps us alive, we are made to eat before we even enter the world.
Bones, beautiful to see through the eyes of those who love them, but no matter what we do, we can barely, if at all have a glance.
Fat surrounds us, it takes over our lives and then the war begins.
The war of control, the superiority we have to not eat, to starve ourselves like no one else can.
The war of the people around us staring and making comments and trying to take our control away.
Yet we still remain fat; calories, fat grams, scales, doctors, hospitals, family and friends torture us.
Screw with our minds.
People surround us all day long telling or forcing us to put these toxins in our bodies.
They just do not understand.
We are not ignorant, we know what to do to purify ourselves.
We will fight and fight until we win the war.
No matter what the outcome is.
For the love of one,
My emotions run deep
For the love of one,
I will try to keep
Safe and strong
For just as long as I can keep the Love of One
For the love of one,
I will learn and try
For the love of one,
I don't want to die
Though everyday is hard to get through
I will struggle and fight if that's what I need to do all for the
Love of One
For the love of one,
I hurt and cry
For the love of one,
I miss all the time
I often think and then I sigh . . . just for the Love of One
empty feelings
all the time
alone
even in a crowd
a constant nightmare
during the day
living in hell
while sleeping too
screams
from inside
your own mind
is evil and against you
numb
to emotion
abandonment
fear
of the unknown
and evrey minute
a scary thought
of what might happen
never certainty
or predictions
because the future
is non-existent
and choices
are tortures
that pick your brain
and flash in your face
they say they are yours
but you have no control
right and wrong
are the same
your body and soul
if there is one
are eaten
by demons
surrounding you
inside and out
it's a lose-lose
situation where
no one understand
no one really cares
or if they do
you don't know it
or believes it's
possible
sure it seems
easier to just
end it all
but you can't
it's too difficult and
there is so much
that you would miss
so many people
that you love
even if they don't
love you back
you still cannot
help think
they might
someday
you will die
and then it will
not be your fault
then again
it will not
be your choice
it will just have
happened
and then you will
see who really
misses you
who really
loved you
for who you were
if they themselves
are not dead too
for then you will
meet again
and it will
start all over
the hellish circle
that the world
revolves in
that we are
destined
to take part in
by something
greater than ourselves
not a god
but something
that is playing a game
and we are the pieces
that it controls
and it can do
whatever it wants too
it can destroy us
over and over
and it laughs at us
it enjoys this fun
that we cannot
take anymore of
but we are forced too
and we struggle
every second in
confusion and despair
misery and sorrow
life
the off white walls,
zombies walking the halls,
doctors rushing around
five minutes per patient,
if you're lucky,
they really don't care.
nurses always telling you
it's time to take your meds
the more you listen and
do what they say
the quicker you can leave.
group therapy time,
tell us all your problems,
but no one is really listening,
therapists are there, but
but just to get paid.
patients talking to themselves
screaming out loud,
hitting their heads against walls,
crying for hours everyday.
you better stop acting out,
if you keep it up you'll get a
pretty tranquilizer,
and it's off to sleep you go,
once again.
every episode you have,
mens one more week
in this mental institution,
you will never go home.
people smiling forever,
the doctors because you
keep fu**ing up and
they make more money;
and the patients because
the klonopin and ativan
fill your head with helium,
make you spacey, happy and dizzy.
so they walk along
the same path everyday
for the rest of their lives,
staring at the same white walls,
forever zombies walking the halls.
When I cry, my heart always aches,
It is usually because I miss someone,
Or am dealing with some sort of break;
Whether it be physical or emotional,
It only varies slightly in the pain,
And it does not feel any better no matter what I gain.
Someone always leaves, whether it is I who come or go,
But the hurt is nonetheless and in my face it often shows.
I have a hard time dealing,
And I am usually the one I blame,
Although I do not understand why,
Because it is not always my fault that the separation came.
I know I must learn to understand,
That I have to deal with change,
And that just because we separate,
Does not mean that I should cause myself pain.
People need to come,
And others need to go,
That is just how life seems to be,
And the only one that cannot accept this seems to be me.
But I will learn to overcome,
In my life I will endure,
People who leave are not gone forever,
They just need to leave one another, whatever the matter.
It does not have to be for a very long time,
Letters and phone calls can help pass the time.
I am not going to say that it won't be hard nor will I pretend,
That I will not miss you very much,
You will always be dear to my heart,
You have become a significant part in my life,
My Friend.
You hurt me when I was young,
I still do not understand why.
You left me scarred my entire life,
I let you ruin me for so many years.
I kept the secrets because you said too.
I never told anyone what you did to me.
Now it's time for me to heal.
I can't live in fear of what you did.
I told.
I told someone who can help me.
She listens, she cares, she knows what you did was wrong.
I told.
It took all of my strength.
It took all of my courage.
I told.
I did what you told me never to do.
It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
I told.
I will no longer live in the shadow of your abuse.
I may never forget, but I will be free.
I told.
My light had shown so beautiful and bright,
For a year it burned and was a special, important part of my life.
It began to dim so slowly one day, and soon thereafter my light was taken away.
My world was dark, my heart torn in two, I was empty and lost and did not know what to do.
My hurt had to stop, I could not go on living, so I tried desperately to take the life I was given.
I have suffered for months but was able to get through, because the love for and from my light would always stay true.
It has been many long days and lonely dark nights, but my light has returned and she is the most beautiful sight.
My heart no longer hurts, it only holds on stronger to the light, because the love felt from it is so precious, beautiful and bright.
My love I give to you forever,
My love you are always in my heart,
My love to you is always,
My love will never depart.
My love you are my sunshine,
You brighten my every day,
My love you are my strength,
Without your support I would fade away.
My love you are my courage,
With you I can face any fear,
My love you are my shower,
You cleanse my soul whenever you are near.
My love you are my tower,
Strong and handsome, you help me through my day,
My love you are my dream come true,
Just by being your wonderful you.
My love you are my happiness,
My love you are my sad times too,
My love you are the only love,
That I want to forever give my love too.
How hard it is to say good-bye
And walk away towards the unknown.
To leave your arms of safety and trust
Even though we do not often touch.
How hard it is to say good-bye
Especially to someone I adore
Someone I love and want to be close too
Even though she does not feel the same.
How hard it is to say good-bye
With emotions all stirred up
To have to watch someone take my place, where I belong
And it's as if I never existed.
How hard it is to say good-bye
And be left all alone
Away from the one person who means more than anyone else
Away and thinking about what a freak I am because I feel this way.
How hard it is to say good-bye
While thoughts run through my mind
And to know that these thoughts are bad
But also to know I cannot help what I feel.
How hard is to say good-bye
Even though it is not forever
To see someone and talk only once a week
And for less than an hour of her time.
How hard it is to say good-bye
And feel all the hurt and despair
To want to reach out and really feel, but the shame takes over
And you know she would not understand.
How hard it is to say good-bye
With jealousy and sorrow
Because I will miss the person I wish I could spend all of my time with
And my wish will never come true.
How hard it is to say good-bye
And then feel as if my heart were being ripped out
But knowing there is nothing she can do to help.
When all I want to do is cry forever
And have her console me to the end
I know I will always cry alone.
The sharp blade of a razor slowly cutting my skin
the pain is stinging.
The skin breaks, the blood creeps up
there's a weird feeling.
I don't stop, I just keep cutting
forty cuts on each arm.
My wrists are red, they are sore and hurt
I almost feel better.
Another bad night, one of many
I get my blade.
I try to cut, but I can't instead of my wrists
I try my stomach.
This time I just can't do it, my pain is worse than ever
but I can't do it.
I'm even more upset now, I don't want to hurt anymore
I just want to sleep.
My day will come soon.
I'm not sure where or when but the pills will help me.
I'm still scared though, what if I take too many
or too few.
I don't want to die but what can I do
I want this to all go away.
I need to rest for a while.
There's too much stress.
I just can't take this anymore.
a new, warm morning
begins as the sun rises and a
cool breeze passes at the perfect moment
the soil is soft and rich
freshly turned over and
ready for the new seasons treasures
birds sing as
cherry blossoms sway
green grass is newly cut and soothing to touch
flowers planted last year
begin to move through the soil to reach the sky and
say hello with a clean new look
brightly colored petals with
beautiful soft stems and leaves
show themselves off in all their splendor
happy to be opening up in the
glorious, golden sunlight they
soak up the beams that gently lay on them
hibernation is over
creatures of the world reunite and
enjoy all that life has to offer
there is a bounce in everyone's step
the crisp, sweet air refreshes everything
it spring
The salt of the sea water sprays as the waves crash against the rocks
The scents of sand and cocoa butter waft through hot air that is made hazy and humid from the sun
Seagulls fly high above the beach in the bright, clear, blue sky while almost nude bodies bake under strong rays
Children's voices are cheerful as they chase each other in fun, collecting shells and building sand castles
Later as a day moves on, lights from the pier shimmer onto the serene waters below
The smell of sausage with peppers and onions, french-fries and sweet salt-water taffy drift over the splintering wood that makes up the boardwalk
Sounds of people calling from afar to play the "pop the balloon" game and "win a prize" echo over and over
Happy music sounding loudly from many exciting rides that spin, move up-and-down, and flip in all directions
Families enjoying being together without a care in the world
Lovers walk hand-in hand on the shore under the moonlight, gazing into each others eyes
Cold, abrasive winds chill your entire body from outside--in
as new, clean snow falls on barren ground.
The white powder drops softly and accumulates into shimmering mountains.
Icicles form into huge upside-down glaciers and glisten in the sun's brightness.
People are scarce for they are expendable to this environment.
Slowly they will come out of warm shelters to clean up snow that blocks their walkways to life;
Just to return to their safe, fire-lit, hot chocolate scented living conditions while the rest of the world continues on without them.
As the storm lessens children's voices will echo up and down the once gravel covered streets and sled to their hearts content on the slick sheets of ice.
Nature's splendor will soon turn ugly as humans begin to return to their everyday monotonous lives and vehicles turn innocent white snow into filthy black clumps of wasted ecstasy.
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