ill: the letters itself, just thin sticks. Illness pares you down: physically, emotionally.

I am tired of pain. Tired of feeling as if a metal rod were jammed through my right side. Tired of feeling a nauseating pain in my right side. Tired of a body feeling drained and deciding how to best ration the little energy I have. Tired of not being able to get comfortable to sleep because my body hurts. Tired of either lying and saying I feel good or tired of telling the truth admitting I am in pain, fatigued, etc.

When I first went to the doctor to seek help for what would later be diagnosed as endometriosis, I had such severe pain in my right side that I could not sit up straight. I carried a pillow to class to slouch my body into; some days I was glazed over on painkillers. Some days I spent at home in bed, too pained and tired to care about classes or work.

After seeing a string of doctors, who ignored my pain or told me it was psychological, I was finally diagnosed through laproscopic surgery in December 1997. Disease was removed from my right ovary and behind the uterus. Scarring from endometriosis was on my bladder and left uterosacral ligament. An adhesion on my bowel was left, as well as deep disease on my right fallopian tube; my doctor believed these areas were "too tender" to be operated on. A more specialized surgeon would be needed to remove the bowel adhesion safely. My surgeon left the endo on the tube, because she said she did not want to cause scarring, which can lead to infertility.

I thought surgery would be an end. Instead it is only a beginning. Many women go through multiple surgeries. Many surgeons are not skilled enough to recognize all the various forms/colors the disease can take, and leave it behind. There is debate on whether there is a finite amount of disease in a woman's body or if endometriosis can reoccur.

In telling my story, I do not expect sympathy, pity, a pat on the back, etc. I present my story to be understood -- that my pain is real, as is the pain so many other women with this disease go through. I present my story for me, as a way of coping with this disease and what it has done to me.

As for clinical depression, that's a different beast to be dealt with at a different time.

For a more clinical explanation of endometriosis, please visit my short FAQ or the Endometriosis Care Center.