Journal
September - December 1998

Friday September 11, 1998

Yesterday was my Week 1 weigh in at Weight Watchers. I am down 2.5 pounds. Hooray! I am below that awful 160 mark, even if it isn't by much. This was a good solid loss for me especially since I wasn't able to get myself to the gym this week. No motivation (wish there was a Motivation.com web site…. maybe I should start that). This journal is for me, to help to see and remember how I am doing, to notice how far I have come and to not quit even when it gets rough. It is also to share with others who are going through the same process because with support, anything is possible. Finally, it is also my way of putting out to the Universe that this is something I want. I will give the Universe a place to send me what I need.

By this time next year my husband and I will be trying to get pregnant, so I want to be in good health before we start that. It feels much different to be losing weight for that reason than to look good on vacation or at a function. Bigger picture. And when I learn to eat healthy and live a healthy lifestyle, this is something that I will be able to pass down to my children.

I always start out strong, but keeping up the motivation/momentum is the hardest part for me. When it gets tough, I flounder in my commitment. This is something I really want to change. If I can do it here, I can translate this into other areas of my life. I love food and I love to eat and the sacrifices that are necessary to reach my goal are hard sometimes. I guess that is what makes them sacrifices.

Time for more water.
Goal for the week: Exercise 2-3 times. Write down what I eat.


START: 162
CURRENT: 159.5
TOTAL LOSS: 2.5
GOAL: 130
================================================

Wednesday, September 16, 1998

Well, I've had a "bad" week and I've fallen off the Weight Watchers Wagon - so to speak. It all started on Friday after WW when I had a bagel for breakfast and didn't write it down. Then I was home with my family for the Weekend. Chinese food Saturday night, and my nephew's first birthday party on Sunday. Food, food and more food. And no writing things down. On Monday I exercised but yesterday I was home sick. I have decided not to go the WW meeting this week. I'm avoiding the bad news. But I am starting off again. I want to wait until tomorrow, but I will start today. Why wait?

Is it bad that I went off so soon? I don't know. I do know that keeping this commitment is very hard and I keep wanting it to be easy. It was in the past, but then I was at home more often and didn't have a husband. Motivation and inspiration are different now. I just want to bet at my goal already. I want to wear my favorite fall clothes.

I know I can't beat myself up for what I haven't done so far. That is definitely not inspirational. Instead, I will move on from here and know that I will be successful. I will try to surrender to the process - even though I know that most of the time I just want to fight it.

================================================

Friday, September 25, 1998

Well, I have completed three weeks and I have lost a total of 4 pounds!! That feels great, especially since I still have not added regular exercise to my routine (I just can't seem to get myself up in the morning!). This morning I had a bagek and cream cheese for breakfast, but I am writing down all 8 points of it so that I stay on track. I am going to Weight Watchers on Wednesday next week because of the Jewish Holiday, and it seems like a good day to go - after a full day of fasting.

Although I can't say I really notice a physical difference, I do feel a lot better this time. My last WW attempt I lost 7lbs (gained it all back) which was important because I finally broke the 5lb loss mark, something I did not do after a previous year of trying. This time I am really looking forward to hitting that inspirational 10lb loss. Maybe that's what I need more of - INSPIRATION, instead of motivitation. Inspiration comes from within. Motiviation is a push from the outside.

I was looking at some old pictures of myself... I love how I look at 130 so I am not going to worry about hitting 128 just to have a "2" in the tens place. After all, how many people other than me are going to know my weight!!

Well, that's all for now. Maybe I'll work out this afternoon after work and before Mark and I go out to the movies. That should keep me on track at dinner time!!


START: 162
CURRENT: 158
TOTAL LOSS: 4
GOAL: 130


================================================
Friday, October 2, 1998

Hooray!!!! Another pound. 5 pounds in 4 weeks. That feels great. I need to continue to own this success and not look too far into the future. I am holding onto getting to the 10 pound mark instead of how far I have to go. This is the first time in I can't remember how long that I have gone down consistently for four weeks. That alone is a big accomplishment for me!

I did work out twice last week - 45 minutes on the treadmill and sit-ups (ugh) each time. Maybe we should start an "I hate sit-ups" ring!. It is going to be harder to find time to workout this week, but I know if I do it, I will see the result next Thursday.

One step at a time. One pound at a time. One less food reward at a time.


START: 162
CURRENT: 157
TOTAL LOSS: 5
GOAL: 130


================================================

Thursday, October 15, 1998

It has been a very tough few weeks and to avoid the treaded bad news I have not been to Weight Watchers in two weeks. And I have not been working out either. Is this linked to all the emotional crap that has been going on inside my head and heart in the last few weeks. Probably. Of course.

I have come to really see that my deepest fear is a fear of intimacy (in to me see) and vulnerability, a fear which is linked, not surprisingly, to self acceptance. If I truly accepted myself then I would believe that I deserve love, success and all the other great things around me. I would receive it more freely and give it more freely. If I accepted myself more deeply I would also be willing to take the risks to be vulnerable. Because even though I would get hurt (and hurt sometimes by people I love and who love me), I would not be mortally wounded, take it personally, and disappear. I would stumble not fall.

Eating and being heavy and not being happy with how I look is a part of keeping people at bay, not having to accept myself completely and avoiding that which I fear most. I would rather complain and be angry then have my goals and a healthy life.

Gross.

It is hard to realize this about myself. Not pretty. Not pleasant. But also not something I HAVE to live with. I have a choice and I am going to embrace the steps, the paths, the challenges that will enable me to make a change and live into my dreams of being healthy.

And all my other important, vital, "I'm worth it" dreams too!!

And I'm going to work out tonight on the treadmill. 45 minutes plus sit-ups. (when I write it here I do it, too!!)

Good news soon!


=============================================

Tuesday, November 3 1998

Yuck! I have been wwwwaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy off for the past few weeks. I didn't go to Weight Watchers for two weeks and when I did, I was up 2 pounds. No surprise there -- although I did have my period which didn't help. I missed again last week because of all the stress and craziness at work. I was going to skip again, but I am going to make Saturday morning work instead. I can't keep skipping like this. Because it is just a form of quitting on myself. And I deserve more - I deserve to treat myself well.

I did work out this weekend and I am going to try to get to the gym two more times before Saturday. I always try to work out early in the morning, and then I never do. I would rather sleep. Yes, it's true that morning workouts are generally better for you, but since I hate waking up and it's easy to blow off for me in the morning, maybe I'm better off waking up later and going to bed later. Instead of planning for bed at 11, why not midnight and a 7:00 wake up. That gives me more time in the evenings for myself and therefore... time to work out. Hmmmmm... something to think about. Something to try. And maybe working out in the evening will stop me from over eating in the evenings, my toughest time

I need to be maniacally disciplined, as I was told to do in my writing!



START: 162
CURRENT: 159
TOTAL LOSS: 3
GOAL: 130
================================================
The story/saga/changes continues...
[NEXT]
[BACK]
[HOME]


Graphics by

---

This page hosted by You can get your own Free Home Page