My Story: A Date Rape Survival Story

How many emotions does one deal with when they are raped? Rejection, humility, loss, anger, shame? I felt these and so much more after my experience.

I didn't think I had been raped after my experience. I thought I had been stupid for placing myself in such a situation. I felt humiliated and shamed for betraying my beliefs and values. I had been brought up in a Christian home where sex before marriage was looked down upon. I felt that I would be rejected by family members if I told them I was no longer a virgin, so I didn't. And I also morned for the loss of my virginity, stolen from me by a man I trusted.

I was eighteen, and fresh out of high school. I hadn't dated much when I was in school-no one had even bothered to look my way. I felt like a social outcast in school.

I met Jon the night of my graduation. Although not overly handsome, I felt attracted to him in some mysterious way. I decided it had to be his foriegner look-soon after I found out his mother had an Israeli background. He was also a man. He was 22.

We started to date immediately after we met. He called and asked me out the very next night. He apologized to me for not having any money to take him out, and assured me that he always had money for the weekend. I believed him. We went bowling that night, and later he kissed me. He apologized again for being so forward, but he knew I was flattered that someone actually wanted to kiss me.

I noted that apology after the kiss as a mark of integrity. I felt safe with him after that. I had no thoughts of what would happen to me in the next months.

Eventually, I began to follow him up to his bedroom in the evenings after a date. That's if you could call them dates. Most of the time we just hung around the house, or went crusing in my car. If we did go out, I always paid. I excused him as going through a difficult time. I also overlooked the many times I would get a call from him in jail asking to be bailed out.

We began to start heavy petting fairly early in the relationship. I had told him that I had no interest in going all the way. I was proud in the fact that I was saving myself for marriage. He understood at first, but eventually he started asking for sex. The asking turned into begging quickly when I refused. He promised to marry me eventually, and, if we were going to get married anyway, what difference would it make if we had sex now or later.

I continued to say no, but it began harder with each request. I was tired of him begging, but I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to risk him dumping me. One night I gave in. He begged me, like usual, during one of our petting episodes. I grew quiet. I didn't want to, but I feared what he was capable of if I said no any longer. I took in a deep breath. I prayed for God to rescue me from the situation, or forgive me for what I was about to do. "Fine" I said very indignatly, hoping he would listen to the tone of my voice more than my words. My hope was in vain. Also, out of my naitivity in a last ditch effort to save a little virginity, I asked him not to go in all the way. I was scared.

He climbed on top of me and I felt his fingers probe my sensitive area. "Not go in all the way? What fun is that?" he asked.

"Just, please, don't," I pleaded.

"Alright," he responded with a tinge of frustration. He slipped his penis into me and a searing pain swept over me. I started to scream in pain. "Shhhh," he tried to comfort me, "Relax and it won't hurt as much."

I felt sick. What had I done? It continued to hurt, and I dug my fingernails into his back. He continued to reassure me that if I would just relax that everything would be fine.

After that night, I continued to have sex with him out of a sense of obligation. I also felt that the damage had been done and the only repentance I would find would be to hold on to him long enough that we would get married.

Strangely, I didn't hate him for what he had done until years later, after I was able to identify what happened to me that night as emotional rape. I hated myself. I had turned my back on my morals and values. I would be a disapointment to my family if I told them what I had done. I had no right to any sympathy because I had told him he could do it. I fell into all of the myths that society has engrained in women's heads.

Through the grace of God I finally realized what a jerk he really was, and I broke up with him. He actually suckered me into dating him twice. But, I was lucky enough the second time to meet someone who could give me the emotional support I needed just a week before I did break up with Jon for the last time.

It was this someone, whom I shall call Don M., who was able to identify what had happened to me as rape. Because I had not been able to heal, I found myself in a very similar situation later with another man, except this time it all took place during a course of a single weekend. After this, Don was able to see just how low my self-esteem was, and he asked me to tell him in detail what had happened. I did, and his exact words were, "That is rape!" It is because of him that I have been able to identify, and then heal, from what has happened to me. For that I am eternal grateful and I dedicate this web site to him.

Thank you. My love forever.