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The kitchen table is a healing balm - a place where women converge over a glass of wine, hot coffee, a pot of greens, or a bag of chips to fuss, discuss, and to solve each other's problems. Zenzele's Kitchen Table is dedicated to healing our relationships with our selves, with the other women who touch our lives, and with the world around us. So sit back, relax, and enjoy a little
sista-wit from Zenzele's Kitchen Table.(All people and locales have been provided fictitious names to protect both the innocent and the guilty)
Dear Zenzele:
When do family and friends get over my divorce. It's been 18 years and I'm still fighting with multitude of many including my adult children.
My daughter recently wrote saying that she has developed an ulcer due to job stress. She recently met a man who "used to be" a Jehovah's Witness. I don't quite understand what " used to be" means. But he decided that her phone bill was too high and she should not be in touch with her family. I believe that the ulcer story is just another excuse to adhere to his needs and desires. I have been praying for her but feel she is trapped in the same situation that I was with her abusive father who told me I could not talk to my mother nor his. I allowed myself to think this man was truly taking care of me until divorce time when in fact he was using this time to take care of him self and eventually turn people against me. To this day I still have a low level of trust in men, women, and especially my family. Because when I, as the prodigal daughter, returned they turned me away. Consequently, I moved to Denver and this is now where I live - away from all of them. I am in touch with one brother who is very supportive of my reason's not to be abused again.
I am still running into abusive people and I run from them as quickly as I see the behavior. I have been told by many that I am too nice. I remain so to a point. It helps me recognize how abusive humans can be. I have most of the things I want back in my life. I did not try to become friends with my "X" after the divorce and my sister who was so unsupportive can't understand why. Help!
Happily Divorced in Denver
Sistafriend,
You asked for "Help!" but it sounds like you're doing fine. It's your family that needs help. It's hard to leave an abusive relationship, especially when you know that you will have little or no support from your family. I remember my own divorce from an emotionally abusive spouse. My so-called "friends" mumbled how I was such a fool to leave him, saying things like," ….she didn't even have to work." From the outside looking in the grass is always greener, especially for those sistas who only require credit card privileges and 'do money from a man, to be satisfied. The sick living arrangements that masquerade as love and happiness never cease to amaze me.
I agree that your daughter sounds like she might be smack dab in the middle of an abusive relationship. As you well know, one of the first strategies of an abusive man is to alienate his woman from her center, her power-base: the family - especially the mother, if there is a close relationship. We all have the opportunity to learn from the experiences of others. That is the purpose of Zenzele's Kitchen Table. But there are some things in life which we must learn first-hand. This appears to be the case for your daughter, as it relates to her "I used to be a Jehovah's Witness" man. There's not much you can do in this regard other than to let your daughter know that she has your unconditional love - and if and when she gets the courage to leave him, unlike your family, you'll be there with open arms. I suggest you try calling your daughter at a time when you know he is not around - or call her at her place of work to ensure she knows you'll be there if she needs you.
As for your other family members, moving to Denver was a grand idea. I suspect your cry for "Help!" has to do with guilt. I call it "survivor guilt". Imagine you're in the upstairs of a two-story house, with your family, that catches fire. The only way to escape being engulfed by the flames is to jump. You are the only one with the courage to jump to safety. When you do, you are helpless to go back and save them. The only way they can be saved is to save themselves.
You saved yourself from the flames, when you left that abusive relationship. But your family members evidently continue to be in their own hell, and you cannot save them. The only thing you can do is pray for their well-being. Only they can change their minds and hearts. Their happiness is NOT your responsibility. Let go of the guilt.
When others cannot battle their own demons, they lash out at those of us who can. Few have the courage to change their lives - even when it's for the better. I'm sure you can think of countless people who are unhappy, yet won't do a thing to change it. You don't need their mud on your wings. You know you did what was the best and healthiest thing for you. You go Girl!
As far as those other abusive humans out there… Just because you learn a lesson doesn't mean the circumstances won't present themselves again. I used to think, "Why does this keep happening to me." But the deal is it's all a part of the landscape of life. The important thing is you now have the internal mechanisms in place to trigger your sirens and red flags when you sense them coming. You are certainly a sista who sounds like she has her head on straight. It's natural not to trust so easily after your experiences. It's also important not to be bitter and jaded because of your past. Ignore those who say you are "too nice." It's key that you stay open and nice to others, because that is the positive energy that will ultimately draw the same to you. Keep the faith.
Zenzele
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