Dear Nia,

Clearly, you have now learned, firsthand, that all mothers are not created equal. Every mother does not posses the maternal instinct and capacity for unconditional love of a Claire Huxtable, Florida Evans, or June Cleaver. Count your blessings that you have a satisfying, loving relationship with your Mom.

Your problem is already half-way solved. Thank goodness your husband is healthy and has no illusions about who his mother is. I believe it's important that you both share the same reality of what's going on, and even more important that your husband stands up to his Mom and calls her out on her bad behavior - to honor and protect his wife and children from her harassment.

But you must realize that all of the neck-rollin', set-a-sista-straight-talkin' sessions in the world may not change her ugly ways. If your husband is the "unwanted, unfavored child," then as his wife you are simply being treated in kind. By joining this family, you have become part of her sick family dance. Don't perpetuate it by engaging her harassment. It's important that you and your husband set your boundaries, in terms of what you will and will not tolerate. I commend your decision to control the amount of influence she has in your children's lives - given her need to insult and offend. But don't invest you energy in trying to change someone else.

I imagine your biggest reason for coming to the Kitchen Table is your discomfort with your feelings of anger and dislike for the woman who gave birth to your loving husband. Well, I say, let go with love - love of God, self, and other. Your mother-in-law's behavior is the path she has chosen. Until her life experience shows her otherwise, it is most likely that she will never change. Unfortunately, not all regular church-goers practice what is preached. I agree with your mother. "Leave it in God's hands." Accept her as she is, pray for her healing, say what you need to say and do what you need to do to protect you and yours, and keep on pressing forward. It also helps to exercise a little compassion. Your mother-in-law must be in a lot of pain to put out such negativity. Her behavior is a reflection of how she feels about herself. Remember, she's doing the best she can given her life experience. Unfortunately, her "best" crosses the boundaries of respect and kindness.

Finally, remember, we learn our most powerful lessons from the people who rub us the wrong way. Don't allow your aversion to her behavior to block your blessings. Discover the lessons and use this experience as an opportunity for your own spiritual growth.

Good luck,

Zenzele

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