I decided to make this more than one page. I hate it when a page takes forever to load. With all the graphics I like to use it would take a long time!

Well, I am back into the old injection routine. I'm the human pin cushion again. I am nervous about going for my first blood & ultrasound tests. It's my fear that this drug is not going to do anything again. But, I just have to "keep the faith" . It's strange this time around, I haven't even allowed myself to think about the outcome. The first time it's exciting and I was thinking of baby names and picking out things to buy.

This time it's like my heart has a locked itself up. I haven't done it on purpose, it's just like that part of me has shut down. Which is actually good, I can't go through another disappointment like last time. I keep wondering though when do you actually give up? At first I said 6 months, yeah right. Six months doesn't even get your perverbial feet wet. It's more like a toe bath. After a year, you start to wade and head out to deeper waters. I hope I know the point to stop.

Now, I had a more important aspect to figure out. Where was the thousands of dollars going to come from this time? Last time I was going to charge it on a credit card. Only, now I think I am pretty maxed out. This is another aspect to explore, the cost. I have been fortunate in alot of ways because of my insurance. The first time I added it up, and my insurance paid for over $6000 worth of drugs, in just three weeks of treatment. Some of the women in my group, had to pay all or most of it themselves.

Well I am hanging in there. I found a charge card that has enough money to charge the ICSI fees. I just had my first blood test/ultrasound, and it looks pretty good. They found 3-4 eggs! I am very happy and going to stay on the gonal-F. My dose was upped to 4 ampules twice aday, I wonder if this is alot?

My FSH was 87 which was pretty good. I just got back from my 2nd set of tests. Twelve eggs!! Well actually only 6 large, 3 medium and 3 small. Kinda sounds like I'm making omelets or something. They have to be a certain size or larger otherwise, they are not developed enough.

My husband came with me to the office this morning. He had to learn how to give me a butt shot. By all the noise he was making, you would of thought he was getting the shot instead of me. He has been very supportive. It's nice to feel that closeness with him again.

Wow what a difference a couple of days can mean when your shooting up hormones. Stick a fork in me I am done. I would be nervous about the upcoming surgery if I wasn't so damn bloated, and in general feel like crap. My back is killing me plus, oddly enough, I do not want to be touched at all. I got my shot of profasi tonight and tomorrow I don't do anything. Then 8 a.m. the next morning it's "retrieval time".

Well the retrieval went well. They gave me drugs and put me in what they call "twilight sleep". I was pretty much out of it and didn't feel a thing! I was more worried about my husband being able to produce his "sample". They put me on Heparin and Progesterone oil shots. I am back to three shots a day. The butt shot isn't so bad but, they make me shoot the heparin in my abdomen, and that's a tender area. I just got the call they took out 1 excellent and 5 good eggs. Of the six only 5 were fertilized, and of the five only 2 split. I am still confused about this egg splitting stuff, so I can't explain this any further. All I know is I go back tomorrow morning and supposedly two are going to be transferred. My sister, brother-in-law and husband are all very happy. I just can't get excited, only two? That doesn't seems like a good chance to me and I feel like a failure.

Well 7 a.m. I am to report to the hospital for a blood test and then go to admitting and get ready for the transfer. The woman on the phone has me nervous, she was so vague about the details. Today feels like I am on the cusp of a "pivotal" day. These are days when I feel some major event happens that changes your life forever. Look at your life, what happened today? Not much as compared with say your wedding day, death of a loved one, or conception of your child. Those are days that forever shape your life in a different direction.

Whew! what an emotional day. I had to go to the office at 7a.m. for a blood test and then I was suppose to go to admitting. Well, they said they wanted to talk to me after they did the blood draw. I waited for an hour, all I could think of was, they were going to say the two good ones died. I got very nervous and upset and finally I went into the treatment rooms and asked. The nurse said they had been unable to get in touch with anyone at the lab. Finally "Carol"(one of my favorite nurses) called me into the back (Carol was the nurse that 2 months prior had called me back to tell me I was out of the program for that month). She must have seen the terrified look on my face, because the first thing she said was "it's good news". They had four eggs to transfer instead of two! My heart came up off the floor and joy swept thru me like a long lost friend. I thanked God and my "angel" mother for looking out for me.

The transfer went pretty good, I was totally out when they did the laparoscopy. Dr. BM put the eggs in one of my fallopian tubes. The rate of pregnancy is much higher than if they just put them in the uterus. The big question is; "how the heck am I going to wait two weeks, to see if any of the four eggs stayed?" This reminds me of the last two weeks of high school, pure torture. Plus I am bloated and nauseous and general not doing to hot. I don't know if it's the progesterone oil shots, laparoscopy, or a combination of them both.

I feel pretty good now. It has been 11 days since the transfer. Three more days and I find out if all of this really worked. I am kind of wishy washy about finding out, I mean what if it didn't work? We don't have the money to start the treatments over and I am not sure if emotionally I would be ready. Odd as it may seem, I'm in a good spot right now. But I am tired of getting shots, and if I ain't pregnant, I sure as heck would like a rest from the needles. I keep waiting to feel "different". My sister says thats silly cuz for the first few months she didn't feel any different. In 72 hours the truth will make or break my heart.

Well the truth broke my heart and hopes. All the shots, surgery, drugs and money just got wasted. I got the call around noon, the test was negative. No baby, no nothing. I keep wondering if I did something wrong, was I not positive enough? I asked about trying again, the nurse said 2 more months on the P & P and I have to talk with Dr. BM. I really don't know if I can go thru all that again but, what choice do I have. I am already 36 and I don't want to wait any longer to start a family. I sure as heck don't know where the 6G's is going to come from this time. I hate my body, what the hell is wrong? Our infertility was caused by lack of motility, so why didn't the ICSI work? I feel like a failure. I can't even do the simplest of womanly things.

Well it's been a week since my dreams were crushed and I think I am doing pretty good. I went to a anniversary party and all the babies there got me depressed. So I did something stupid and lit up a cigarette (I quit three years ago). I wanted to have a good time and I thought drinking and smoking would make me feel better. It did for awhile then I was back to reality. Sometimes life really "sucks"! The Dr. told me to go back on the P & P, only this, time I asked him to prescribe something other than premarin. He gave me a script for Estradiol which is suppose to do the same thing. I have an appointment to see him in three weeks. Hopefully, he can tell me exactly what's going on.