As I've mentioned, I am a stay at home mom. With the exception of about 6 months, I've stayed home and taken care of my children since my first was born, over 10 years ago. I was married to their father for that long, before his repeated infidelity and physical abuse against me forced me to get a divorce. As a stay at home mom, of course I didn't have a job, didn't have any money, and was staying temporarily with friends because I had no where else to go. I couldn't afford a lawyer or to go to court, so we got an uncontested divorce, joint custody, but because of my situation, my ex got physical custody during the school year, and I got them in the summer. I figured by the time they were with me, I would be able to file to get them back, as I would work to provide a home for us. I was assured by both the lawyer and my ex that this would be the case, and even after all the lies, I never thought he would hurt the kids by keeping them from the mother who raised them all their lives, many times alone. We had settled the summer before on a 6 months each arrangement, as long as the kids remained in the same school. But since the agreement was made in Alabama, it wasn't enforceable here in Texas where we live now. It was also very vague. There was no set visitation and it was impossible to make arrangements as my ex would become irate anytime my schedule conflicted with his. I tried for a while, but it didn't work. The last straw was when he kidnapped them from school. I couldn't do much about it with the current agreement so I called a lawyer, and started the process to get primary guardianship. We had been working on it for over a year before it finally went to court. In that time we were ordered to do a home study, which was quite expensive, but could only help my case as I had a home and a family environment. When with their father, the kids spent more time in their grandparent's crowded house than with him. My ex refused to do the home study despite the court order. Nothing happened to him, because shortly after we finished the study, they filed for a jury trial, which delayed our case another 6 to 8 months. Then the judge did not require a home study. We had already borrowed money and paid for our part of it, so it didn't make a lot of sense, but at least the social worker could testify as to the quality of our home and family life. He should have been held in contempt of court, but then our judge was changed, so the issue just disappeared. At long last, July 20th, 1998 comes, and I've been ready and prepared for over a year. We'd done everything we'd been told, except turn one piece of paper in on time, only because we did not understand when that was. We were given tons of paperwork to fill out right around Christmas and my son's birthday which is 2 days before. We were also buying a house. We were not informed on just how important this one sheet of paper was, and after the whole home study thing, it didn't look as if anything was taken too seriously in this court. We turned it in late, but it was turned in and given to the judge. We showed up at court, picked the jury, and finally started calling witnesses. We called all on our side including myself and evn called on my ex. My ex had nothing and claimed to not remember anything, except of course that whatever happened was all my fault. But my testimony cleared up all that he tried to allege against me, as well as the testimony of my parents and the social worker. The next thing I know, my lawyer is telling me because I didn't turn in that paper on time I was admitting to all that it asked, including that it would be in the best interest of the children that their father have sole custody. This was the judge's call, based on nothing, just what he felt like doing. Then the judge decided based on this false admition that he wouldn't let me win. Not because It wasn't what was best for the kids as their best interest was never even considered. This decision was made because it was faster. This way the case ended much sooner than the day and a half we had anticipated it taking. My ex had no witnesses and no evidence. All he had was his babbling on the stand which made him look like he didn't even know where he was. Based solely on a missed deadline, with the true form in front of him, the judge was going to give my ex either sole custody or joint custody but primary residence even though sole custody wasn't even asked for by him. No regard was given to what was best for my children. I was forced to settle, with an agreement that just gave him primary residence while we maintained joint custody, but they live with their father, and I get visitation. If I hadn't settled, I would have been forced to pay child support, even though I'm a stay at home mom, and don't have an income. It wouldn't have been much, just based on minimum wage, but the law is really unfair to stay at home moms, being designed so that dads can't quit their jobs so they don't have to pay child support. I of course could not believe the fate of my children was decided on not by what was proven, but on a piece of paper. The callous indifference of a person who we have given the power to decide lives based on evidence given was appalling. I could not believe in the system set up to protect our children. Is there a person who can in good conscience decide where children are better off by a piece of paper? And I can't do a thing about it. So now I sit in utter disbelief that my children and I have been sentenced to this by the very people who were suppose to protect us. My only hope is that in 2 years my daughter will be 12, and by Texas law she can then decide where she wants to live. I may also be able to get my son so they won't be separated. But that's 2 years away, and right now it's hard to look that far in the future. I imagine in 2 years I will be ready for the fight again, but for now my heart is still lying, left to die on the court room floor. I'm numb with shock and despare one minute, crying hopeless, unbelieving tears the next, trying desperately to make sense out of a senseless situation. The pain is still too fresh and even though I know in time it won't be as intense it is still a constant reminder of what my life will be for the next 2 years. I can't care for or protect my children and as a mother that is the hardest thing in the world. Those kids are my world, and I've been with them 24/7 since their birth. I struggle to understand how their father could take away the best thing for them, when he knows he can't compare. Revenge has always been his motivation, and he can justify everything living in his little fantasy world where he conveniently forgets just who it was that was always there for the kids, and who was rarely there at all. Of course there will never be a day that goes by that I will ever be able to forgive myself for not having that paper in on time. But had I understood the importance, I would have. To think we have a system in place and a man with the power to make or break a family looking down on all the children of divorce that is so disconnected from the reality his decisions have on the families he stands above, and his judgment is based on legalities, and not in any part what is in the best interest of the kids, makes me truly fear for all the other families and children in Texas that have to stand before him. My children have been sentenced to 2 years of being shuffled around, of never really having a home, security, or attention, except when they are with me on every other weekend, Wednesday evenings, and during the summer, until they are old enough to be heard. My attempts on their behalf and by their wishes to be their voice fell on deaf, unconcerned ears. I know like all the other times I will be ok and look forward to what I can do. But until then, I will struggle, and comfort the children when I can, giving them all the love they missed when they aren't with me, trying to fit it all in in the time I do have with them. And to the bitter end I will fight for what they want and need, and will never give up as long as their is a breath in my body and a way to make things right again. They are my life, and the biggest part of me, I will never give up the fight for them.
I wrote this in part as a kind of therepy, hoping that maybe putting it down in writing would help me cope with what I can't change. This is also for others to read, and maybe to know that they are not alone. I know it helps me a lot to talk with others who have had similar experiences, someone I know understands exactly what I'm going through. In times like these, you can never have too much support. If you have any thing to share, or just want to talk, you can contact me here:
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've recently been
involved with a very lengthy custody battle. The reasons and circumstances
that brought me to this place are much too long to get into. But a
little history may be in order.
