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HEART AND SOUL OF A PARENT'S LIFE AND A PARENTING SITE ********************************************************

So here I sit... wondering, with all the twists and turns I have experienced with the births and subsequent depressions following each of my three children, the youngest of which is now 3 and a half months, how do I keep holding on?

When I am standing in the shower, forehead against the cold tile, hot tears on my face, asking myself, and God, if I will ever be able to look down myself and see my own pubic hair without having to suck in my gut... or if maybe I might NOT be able to see it, because my breasts have gone back to where they are supposed to be, instead of sagging like drained milk sacs - mourning the loss of my body, my mind and what is left of my life. Feeling angry at myself for being the ultimate pity case.... How do I manage to dry myself off, get dressed and continue on my day?

When my husband "gently" reminds me that this is my second bowl of ice cream today, and I burst into sobs because I know he is right and that I shouldn't be having it, but there seems to be nothing else left for me to enjoy in life, where do I get the motivation to scrape the rest of it in the garbage and get my butt up off the couch?

When all three of my children are screaming bloody murder, and the only adult interaction I've had in the last week besides my husband grunting over dinner was the pre-pregnant bodied, sexy b*tch in the half shirt at the video store giving me her "gee you poor thing" look, where do I gain the confidence I need to wear the frilly lingere that I hope to heck covers my lovehandles and strech marks to bed?

When I am overwhelmed by the amount of things I need to do in a day, along with one child screaming to be fed while the other two throw toys around the living room and beat each other senseless, and I turn into a cross between a berserker and a banshee, finally crumpling exhausted on the kitchen floor as the macaroni boils to mush... when do I get the strength to get up and deal with it?

When the house is finally silent after a hectic day, and I am alone with my thoughts of self-pity and inadequacy, I start to cry... not sure how I will face all I have to do tommorow, and for the rest of my life.. yet at the same time feeling like I am going nowhere, accomplishing nothing in my life..living to be a mother and a wife, no longer a person with needs and goals, no longer a woman unto herself.... in what hidden place in my heart and soul do I find the power to shake my head, stand a little straighter and laugh in the face of my fears?

I have found it in places that are few and far between, but when they are found, they are like a dawning light in the pitch black of my dispair. Places like the innocence in my daughter's face when she smiles in her sleep, or in the knowledge I hold, that the rest of my life is opening up in front of me, and that I am not alone in my struggles as a wife, as a mother... and as a woman.

Places like here at ParentsPlace... in the words of each of you, in your concern, and your love, and the feeling I get that we are all here for each other, all a family. And that we don't really ever stand alone.

I am not alone.... and neither are any of you. ---Allibaba