5/1/98 that new song by fastball is on...i love this song..."Where are they going without ever knowing the way"
anyways, it's 12am...i'm waiting for jenny jones to come on. i need to watch people who have worse lives and make even worse decisions than i do....i was watching jay leno before...man, ya know how the people always crowd around him in the front...i have a theory that they PAY those people to ACT like they actually admire jay leno or something...oy.
ok ok...life...hmm...instead of saturday...jules, ed, bryan, and i went out on our little double date thing. it was alright. i sat there and watched les mis...by the way it was a good movie...i was freezing, and tired, and i was sick, and i just wanted to fall asleep...i tried sitting indian style to conserve heat in my legs...i was soooo incredibly tired...and bryan's shoulder was right there...i had no idea what to do...i kept thinking to myself..'what would he think? would he pull away? what if he moves and my head falls off of his shoulder? will he hold my hand?" it was too weird...ah, by the way...i'm talking to bryan now...he said that he was waiting for me to put my head on his shoulder...awww......but bryan was acting too goofy for me tonight...i guess it's because i always act like that around him...the way i impress guys is by making them laugh...it's my only good quality...jules says that i liked him when he acted like that...so he was acting like that purposely...or something to that effect...i agree...it's just that my mind is so scrambled....i talked to trent a little when i got home...he just signed off. he said he was going to go for a walk..or blade. i said that i wanted so bad to just go with him...he said that while he blades, i can stand on his feet and he'd hold me up...aww..i found that sweet. trent always says sweet things...trent and i have never met irl...it was a whole net thing...anyways...i talked on the phone and stuff like that with him...back to the matter at hand...i just wanted to take a walk with him...and ya know...talk...and hold hands...and i wanted to hug him...i just wish i had that with someone that i cared for. i DO care for trent...it's just that at this time, 'we' could never be. bryan is a nice guy..and he has good qualities..and i don't really KNOW him yet..but tonight was just odd for me. i guess i put myself in the odd position. leave it to me to screw things up, eh?
