5/20/98 i have one word for this day. and that word begins with an 'shi' and ends with a 't'. i wish my brother would go away or something. he screws up the whole balance i had to make when he left the first time. this whole week has led to disappointment...and it's not even half over yet. my art teacher calls me inconsiderate...my brother calls me an ingrate(sp?). chris is a very egotistical person. he thinks that he controls all just because he's big and bad and 4 yerars older. normally, i'd try to respect my elders..but he doesn't act like an elder...so why the hell would i treat him like one. he's such a shithead. he thinks he can waltz on in the door...unload a dishwasher..and expect to be named a saint. what the hell!?! anyways, we had a fight today like usual...and for the most-part of this week. fight fight fight. do you see a trend? he comes home...and all is fucked. he got mad at me...and i know i provoked him. i wanted to. he came into my room, pushed me down on the ground and proceeded to choke me. then my mom came up. it was funny because he kept saying, "I'm not going to hit you" as i was shielding my face. it's just not fair how the love is dealed out in this family. i am here almost 24/7 and i get no praise. i take care of my grandmother. i make her dinner occasionally...i make my own dinner. i pick up dog crap in the backyard..i clean my room...i keep my grades up above c's. it's so hard to be me anymore. i wish i could take off this skin and give it to a luckier soul. nothing can cheer me up. and everyone i talk to, i end up hurting. bryan tried to help. but when you're in the mood where you don't want to think about all the problems...you don't want anyone to help you. so i told him that...which was totally mean. i feel bad. again, my mom brought up that since i get like this, that i need help. i don't want to go to school and be made fun of and called "the girl who can't handle her problems without a shrink". this little frosh in my geometry class was making fun of me...to the point where i just wanted to cry. it hurt. i haven't been made fun of really since 8th grade. it brought back bad memories. again, proof has been made clear to me that people are still superficial at heart...and have no compassion for the feelings of others. it's sad that i'm learning this now. i should have known this by the age of 2. i didn't bother going to dance class tonight. what's the point. i'd just come home and cry myself to sleep after thinking about all the times my teacher constantly bugs me about pointing my toes...or having my arms out correctly. it's such a waste. i don't even like dance anymore. right now, i don't feel i belong to anyone or anything. i feel nameless...and maybe that's just what i want to be. i don't like my family at this point. i feel everyone's against me. everyone's on chris's blue team while me and my black team are lagging behind. life is really in a slum. and the only thing i regret is dragging other people down into my self-pity rut.
"i know i can love you much better than this."
on a lighter note...as if i could find a good one to talk about. andra and tom held hands. i feel happiness towards her...i can't say i'm so happy about it...because i'm not in a happy type of mood. this is what she wanted and she's getting it. tom's mom is really funny. she's a riot in fact. i think more highly of her than i do some of my family members. that isn't good. i know what i need...but where the hell would i find a loaded gun in this house... screw it.
