28 June 1999

Last Saturday, my two friends, who agreed to be my trustees for my hospital sponsorship, went with me to the hospital to sign the deed. It was during the briefing session that I realised how rigid the government is. It was with a sense of foreboding that I realised that I'll have to be subject to the non-negotiable rules and regulations of the civil service. It would take getting used to, for sure, especially after working in the private corporate world where we were empowered and encouraged to express ourselves and all and where things were more open to negotiation and feedback. This is one big change I'm sure will be pretty tough to accept in the beginning. I guess I'll have to learn to quietly accept, without questioning, criticising, nor putting up a fight for what I feel is 'right' from now on. Frankly, this is something I don't look forward to at all, but I guess I really have no choice since I chose this path.

One clause I found utterly ridiculous and mercenary in the deed was the fact that even if I were to die in an accident or other unforeseen, inevitable circumstances, my trustees would have to ensure that the amount owing the hospital due to non-completion of my bond, be repaid back in full! Both my trustees are Human Resource practitioners and so was I, not that long ago. We stared at each other in shock. The hospital's rationale was that it's the government's money and taxpayers' money so they would have to be accountable for it but surely, the public would understand if someone under the sponsorship programme was unable to complete the course and serve the bond due to sudden death!!!

Tough... but this is an issue that I'll just have to pray over - that God will protect me and keep me in good health and preserve my life till I fulfill my bondage... oops! I meant, fulfill my bond. hehehehe! Well, the two are about the same in essence, right? *mischievous wink*

Already, I feel 'owned' by the government and the sponsoring hospital. And I feel terribly responsible already because I cannot let my two trustees down. I'm no longer studying and working for myself - I am indebted to my trustees, bonded to the hospital and held accountable for my school results and behaviour, and well, for the first time in years, since I moved out of my family home, I'm being tied down by the pressure of responsibilities to people other than myself. Not that I never had to be responsible for others all this while but it was a different sort of responsibility. Now, when money is also in the picture, things do change and the consequences are more burdensome.

Maybe, I'm grumbling because it's as if I'm in the predicament of an eagle which used to fly free and suddenly finds itself enchained, with its freedom severely controlled and limited. I'm sure I'll slowly get used to being part of the crowd once again, that I'll stop fighting to be different and instead, move with the rest as a group, faceless once more. I've always fought to be different, I've always had a stubborn streak in me but now, I fear it must be tamed otherwise, I'll stick out like a sore thumb. :P

Monetarily, I'm going to be poor for the next few years. It will take me a decade or even more, to reach the salary I last earned. For sure, I didn't choose nursing because of the money because, well, where's the money? hehehe! It'll be tough and I'll have to tighten my belt but I hope to learn the importance of savings and investments and living below my means now. I have to learn this tough lesson and discipline myself.

Lessons in humility... I'm sure there'll be plenty waiting for me in the horizon. Already, the sinking realisation of the hard life ahead leaves lumps in my throat and causes heartache. I hope I have the strength of character to triumph through it all, to look beyond the material things in life and seek happiness in helping other people and in trying to make their lives better. I've given my life to a humane cause, a caring profession, and I can only pray that I'll meet up to the expectations and face up to the challenges ahead. Pride will be hard to kill, especially since I've been kinda cocky sometimes in my previous role at work. Very soon, I'll start from scratch and all my previous experience and qualifications won't make me outstanding anymore, I'll be indistinguishable.

God speed me.

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