2001 Update

Riley's ashes were brought to our home and we kept them for several months. We had a memory box made and I keep photos, his booties, clothes similar to the ones he wore etc inside.

Months later my mother sent me a newspaper article. A special 'wall' had been erected in the cemeraty for stillborn and neonatal babies. This was a sign for me. This wall was placed in my hometown and it was as if it was made for us!

We had a plaque made and were given an unmarked plot for his ashes. When I say unmarked, we know where it is by numbers etc. The plot is a few metres away from the wall and it is the place where stillborn baby ashes were places many years ago, when they weren't acknowledged. I find that nice, it's like the unnamed babies are being recognised!

On the wall are names of babies who died 20 years ago to babies who died recently. It's a special place to go. We visit as often as we can and I take homegrown flowers from my Mum's garden.

Anniversaries seem to be getting 'easier'. I admit that I get pretty annoyed if people forget, but I don't exactly remind them! My Mum gave me a beautiful rose and card on Riley's first anniversary and on his second she sent me flowers (to my surprise)....I suppose Nana's remember too.

We asked for an autopsy to be given because we wanted to know for ourselves and we decided that research helps with cures etc. A few weeks after his birth the results came back. CMV (Cytomegalovirus) was diagnosed. If Riley had been born alive, he most likely would have died and if he hadn't would have been severly brain damaged, because he was so badly infected.

We were told that CMV is a common virus and I most likely would have come into contact with it for the first time, while pregnant (probably the infection that sent me to hospital). A large number of babies infected in utero are born without complications and the remaining have health problems from mild to severe. But Riley was affected so badly and I think he had severe abnormalities as a result. I (like so many people) didn't know that I had it, I had no 'strange' symptoms (that I was aware of) and I didn't even know that CMV existed before Riley.

27th August 2003
A special message to my family and friends

Five years ago, today
you stood with me and held my hand
when I thought my world had died
You were part of the strength
that helped me understand
It was my heart that was broken, not my soul
Not recovered, I never will be, but stronger and thankful.
Today is my day to reflect and remember,
I will never forget.
Thank you for your strength to carry me, when I needed you to and let me walk when I needed to support my own weight!
Love Judi
xxx