Part Ten
Buffy and Angel were holding hands as they walked along the pier. They hadn’t even realized they’d done it. Or, at least, Buffy didn’t seem to notice. Angel was very much aware of her small hand in his. Though it was a surprise, it felt right, so he did not mention it.
They had happily eaten the picnic Buffy had brought on the edge of the sand. Though few words were exchanged, they were both content in each other’s company. Now, still silent, they walked along the sunlit pier.
It was wonderful to be outside, Angel decided. They had been confined in the two-story apartment and office for far too long. Though when he’d first stepped into the sunlight he’d had to squint until a headache passed, now he reveled in the feeling of it on his skin. It felt nice…different…
Angel looked up suddenly, feeling Buffy’s eyes on him. She was watching him, he realized, and he could not begin to decipher the look on her face. “What?” he asked softly, breaking the silence between them.
Buffy jumped in surprise, her hand pulling away suddenly. “Huh?” she asked.
Though he missed the contact between them, Angel made no move to take Buffy’s hand again. “You were staring,” he said softly.
“I was?” Buffy asked in surprise.
Angel nodded.
“I’m sorry.” Buffy quite purposefully looked away from him, staring at the expanse of beach and water.
“I didn’t say I minded,” Angel muttered. “I was just…surprised.”
Buffy looked at him, startled. “It’s just…nice. To be outside, you know?” She looked away again quickly. “I like seeing you in the sunlight,” she said very softly.
Angel couldn’t help but stare at her while she was looking the other way. The sun was turning her hair into strands of gold. She seemed to gather the sunlight around her until she glowed. “I like seeing you in the sunlight, too” Angel whispered back.
Buffy spun to face him again. They were suddenly only centimeters apart. Buffy’s eyes were very wide, the sunlight making them sparkle. Angel’s breath caught in his throat. “Have we been here before?” he asked huskily.
“What?” Buffy asked, blinking at him. She came out of her daze slowly and stepped back. “I mean…what?”
Angel swallowed as she took a step back. “You…me…I think…” He blinked. He cleared his throat again and his voice took on an urgent tone. “Buffy, have we been here before?”
Buffy looked at him oddly. Perhaps she saw something in his eyes, for she answered him seriously, “No, Angel, we’ve never been here before. Not together, at least.”
“Oh.” Angel looked down at his feet, uncomfortable under Buffy’s intense gaze. He could see this place in his mind’s eye. He could see Buffy’s startled gaze as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her passionately…right there, only a couple of paces down the pier. Seeing as how she would barely hold his hand, though, he must have been mistaken. Maybe it was simply the memory of a dream.
“What is it?” Buffy asked, concerned.
Angel shifted slightly, disturbed. He hated his lack of memory. Especially in moments like this, when he didn’t know where he stood with Buffy. But he couldn’t tell her how he saw her, even in his dreams, without knowing that. “Nothing,” he replied softly, not looking at her.
Buffy ducked into his line of sight, forcing him to look at her. “It’s not nothing, obviously. You’re a terrible liar,” she tried to tease.
Still Angel said nothing. Instead he began to walk along the pier again.
“Don’t do that,” Buffy said quickly. “Don’t shut me out. Please, tell me what’s wrong.”
Angel stopped and sighed. “It’s just…I thought…”
“Was it memory?” Buffy asked suddenly.
“I thought it was,” Angel said after a moment. “I hoped… I saw the two of us, on a beautiful, sunny day like today, kissing right here.” He waited apprehensively for Buffy’s response.
“I’m sorry,” she said after a moment. Her voice was filled with regret. “That…never happened.” She sighed. “That couldn’t have happened,” she added to herself, obviously not meaning for Angel to hear. She was moving away from him again.
“Why not?” Angel asked quickly. “Why couldn’t that have happened?”
As he expected, Buffy gave
no reply. She simply looked at him and walked on.
When Cordelia came back to the office to check on Angel
that evening, she was surprised to find Buffy still there. She was
sitting in one of the office chairs, looking down with her head in her
hands.
“Are you all right?” Cordelia asked gently.
Buffy jumped in surprise. When she saw who it was, she relaxed considerably. “Cordy,” she said in greeting.
“I didn’t mean to startle you,” Cordelia said quickly. She was surprised that she’d managed to startle Buffy at all.
Buffy sighed. “It was my fault. I was…thinking.”
“Should I leave you to your difficult task, then?” Cordelia asked. Buffy glared at her. “I’m sorry. That was unnecessary.” She looked around the office, uncertain of how to proceed. “So, how did your picnic go?” she asked at last.
Buffy did not answer at first. She looked down at her hands, then back at Cordelia. “Did you know that Angel’s been having dreams?” she asked suddenly.
Cordelia just looked at her, confused at the change in subject. “Most people do,” she replied. The look on Buffy’s face said there was more to it than that. She sat on the edge of the desk next to Buffy. “What sort of dreams?”
“Nightmares,” Buffy said with a sigh. She looked up at Cordelia pointedly. “Memories, I’m pretty sure.”
Cordelia swallowed. “Does he know?” she asked.
Buffy shook her head. “He thinks they’re just nightmares. And I couldn’t tell him otherwise. How could I tell him that he really has killed more people than I could ever care to count?” She shuddered.
Cordelia said nothing in response and Buffy sighed again. “And worse, today he thought he remembered something.”
Cordelia looked at her in confusion. “How is that worse?”
“Because it wasn’t real,” Buffy said sadly.
“Oh.” Cordelia could understand her disappointment; she felt it, too. “What did he think he remembered?”
Buffy thought for a second. “He thought we’d been there before. Him, me, sunlight…” She looked at Cordelia for a second, daring her to see how ludicrous it was.
At first Cordelia was nodding along with her, then she stopped abruptly as a thought struck. “I don’t know how to say this, but I sort of have to since Angel can’t…” she began slowly.
“What is it?”
Cordelia swallowed. “There is a…slight possibility that it was a memory.”
“Cordelia…”
“I know it sounds ridiculous,” Cordelia said defensively, “and it really should be Angel who tells you since it’s his mess, but he can’t. I don’t even know the whole story! So you have to forgive me for leaving out details.” She made a face. “So glad I don’t know the details…” she muttered.
Buffy was looking at her with a worried expression. “Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to like this story?” she asked.
“I have no idea,” Cordelia muttered sarcastically. “You remember when you came here right after Thanksgiving?”
“Yes,” Buffy said slowly, wondering where this was going.
“Well, apparently there were two versions of that day. The first one only Angel remembers…or would remember if he could remember anything. The rest of us just remember the rewrite,” Cordelia tried to explain.
“I am now horribly confused,” Buffy muttered.
“So am I,” Cordelia said.
“But you’re saying this could have been the memory of a day that only Angel remembers?” Cordelia nodded. “Us, together in the sunlight?” Buffy’s breath stuck in her throat.
“It’s possible,” Cordelia acknowledged.
“No, it’s not, remember?” Buffy said loudly. “What aren’t you telling me?”
Cordelia sighed. “I told you; I don’t know much. I don’t know all of the hows and whys. I just know that somehow in that day Angel became human. And I know that for some reason he got the day started over so that it never happened.”
Buffy sat back in the chair,
stunned to speechlessness.
Contrary to what he’d said he was doing when he descended
into the apartment, Angel was not resting. It was too hard to rest
when the mind would not still. He kept seeing the same image from
this afternoon – Buffy and himself, standing on the pier, locked in a passionate
kiss. The more he thought about it, the more real it became until
he could taste her lips and feel the warmth of the sunlight.
But it wasn’t real. The blurring of the line between the fanciful and the real was beginning to scare him. He so wanted his memories to return, but maybe he was trying too hard. Maybe he was creating false memories instead.
The sound of footsteps on the stairs startled Angel from his thoughts. He stood up quickly, looking to see who it was. He watched as Buffy descended slowly, a troubled expression on her face.
“What’s wrong?” Angel asked hurriedly, forgetting his own concerns.
Buffy proceeded the rest of the way down the stairs before she spoke. She stopped and slowly met Angel’s gaze. “We need to talk,” she said softly.
Angel nodded. “We do,” he acknowledged. Buffy sighed and nodded to herself, then opened her mouth to speak. Angel stopped her. “Wait.”
“What?” Buffy asked, looking even more troubled.
“I need to ask you something first,” Angel said, trying to sound more certain than he felt.
Buffy’s expression was slightly wary, but she nodded. “Alright.”
Angel swallowed. He needed to know this one thing, and his memories didn’t seem to be exactly forthcoming. But to just ask… “Were we…involved…before?”
Buffy was obviously uncomfortable and would not meet his gaze. “Angel…” she muttered.
“Please, Buffy,” Angel said strongly. “I need the truth.”
Buffy sighed and looked him straight in the eyes. “Yes,” she said softly. “We were involved. On and off for nearly three years, actually, until about a year ago.”
“Oh,” Angel whispered, unable to think of more of a response. He stepped back from Buffy and lowered himself back into his chair. He rested his hands on his knees and did not speak.
“You don’t seem surprised,” Buffy said after a moment.
Angel thought for a second. “I’m not,” he explained. “Not really. It feels right.”
Buffy nodded to herself. “Yeah,” she whispered. “It often did.”
“But not always?” Angel asked, not looking at her.
“But not always,” Buffy acknowledged.
Neither of them said anything after that. For Buffy, there was nothing else to say. For Angel, he knew that any other discussion on the subject would have to wait, preferably until he got his memories back. If he got his memories back. That brought Angel back to his darker thoughts from earlier, and he turned to Buffy to think about something else. “You said we had something to talk about,” Angel reminded her.
“Oh,” Buffy said. “That’s right, I did.”
When she didn’t say anything, Angel looked at her pointedly. “What is it?”
Buffy bit her lip. “It’s about…what you remembered at the beach today. What I said never happened.”
“Yes,” Angel said reluctantly. Just what he’d tried not to think about.
“I…I shouldn’t have said that,” Buffy said uncertainly. “It…I may… That is, you may have been right.”
“What?” Angel asked, confused.
Buffy sat in the other chair and looked at the ceiling. “I was speaking with Cordelia,” she said. “Very short version, there’s a day that was erased that only you carry the memories of. What you thought you remembered may have been from that day.”
“But I don’t carry the memories of that day!” Angel protested. “I don’t carry the memories of any day. At least, not before…”
“Angel,” Buffy interrupted him firmly, sitting forward and staring him in the eyes, “you do carry those memories. Those memories and many more. They’ll return to you in time.”
“But how do you know?” Angel said back, trying to hide the terrified, uncertain feelings behind it.
Buffy smiled very slightly. “I know,” she said.
Angel looked at her suspiciously. Part of him was sure she was only saying this for comfort’s sake. Another part of him took any hope that was offered, but wondered at the source. “Does this have anything to do with my dreams?” he asked, slightly frightened at the prospect.
“Some,” Buffy answered, seeming to watch him closely for a reaction.
Angel flinched. The images of blood and death flashed through his mind again. “How could that…” He left the sentence hanging.
“It’s a strange world we live in,” Buffy said calmly. “Until you remember more on your own, I can’t tell you more. It’s too hard.”
“On who?” Angel demanded.
“On both of us,” Buffy replied firmly. “I’m not ready to tell you, and I don’t think you’re ready to handle it.”
“Ready?” Angel asked, his voice rising. “What if I’m never ready? What if my memories never return?”
“But they will,” she affirmed. “You have to trust in that.”
“How can I?” Angel demanded. “How can I trust in that when the only thing I’ve thought I remembered never happened? No one can tell me for sure if what I think is true, because it’s all part of some ‘erased’ day.” He paused then, his own words registering. “Erased day?”
Buffy couldn’t help but smile slightly at that. “I told you – it’s a strange world we live in.” Her smile faded after a moment and she looked at him intently. “Would it make you feel better if I made you a promise?” she asked.
“What sort of promise?”
She thought for a second. “If your memory is not making an obvious improvement by the time I have to return to school, I will tell you everything I can.”
Angel sighed. Part of him wanted to know everything right now. But maybe there was a reason he didn’t remember. Maybe Buffy was right and he wouldn’t be able to handle it right now. “I would like that,” he said at last.
Buffy smiled. “Then that’s a deal.”
“Wait.”
“Hmm?”
“One more thing,” Angel pressed. “If I have questions – not big ‘tell-me-everything’ questions, but yes-or-no questions or little things, would you try and answer them honestly for me?”
Buffy clearly thought that over for a second. “Do I have the right to tell you there are certain questions I can’t answer?”
Angel nodded.
She smiled reassuringly at him. “It sounds like we have a plan.”
Angel smiled back, suddenly feeling incredibly relieved. “Yeah,” he agreed, “I think we do.”
Feedback
shouldn't be hunted for - it should be easy to find
Back
to Cynamin's Fan Fiction