Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder



Since recently becoming involved in the fat-acceptance movement, I have been inundated with varying viewpoints on the BBW dating situation. I have received e-mails from women in their 30s who have never been kissed by a man, let alone in a serious relationship. I have also heard from women like myself, who seem to date even more than our thin friends! Each side seemed to have a stringent opinion of the other - The dateless thought that the other half was only going out with desperate men who couldn't get anyone besides a "fat chick". The women going out on dates thought the lacks of success for the dateless was attributable to low self-esteem or an abundance of bad attitude ("poor me" syndrome) and NOT their weight. Of course, each side had merit in their opinions, but since I tend to agree with the latter side, I have chosen to try and support that point.

First let me say that there is almost as many myths about men who date "fat chicks", as there are myths about why we are fat! I, myself, would NOT go on a date with a man whose preference was BBWs because of these very stereotypes. I had a preconceived notion that they carried assumptions about me that were not true, e.g., I was desperate, I am easy because I feel lucky for the attention, and I would let them take advantage of me (just to name a few). What I didn't consider until recently was that while the men I went out with weren't openly saying that they liked my size, maybe the possibilities that they actually preferred me that way were there...

This led me to ask the following question on the Dimensions Magazine Bulletin Board:

"This whole FA*-thing (at least the acknowledgement of it) is fairly new to me, so this question might sound daft. It's something that I began wondering while reading the responses to the below question "so who really likes fat women?" (editor's note… this question was posed on the board and the response was outstanding!)

Are you all so open with your love of fat women in your everyday lives or just in private (e.g., e-mail, Internet, and boards)? I am only wondering this because there was such an enthusiastic response, as there usually is when this type of question is posted on any size-acceptance board…

…So what is it guys? Do act this way in your everyday lives? Do your friends know you like fat girls? And do you care? "

The response I received both on the board and in private was really a lot more than I had expected. What astounded me the most was how well thought-out and impressive most of the answers were. The general consensus seemed to be that beauty was defined completely regardless of size and the men who chose to acknowledge this were able to appreciate all women. For the most part, what we think of as FAs do not only date big women specifically, but more whom they wanted and this was determined on many other factors BESIDES weight (but there were quite a few whose sole preferences tended to be a large woman).

As difficult as it was to just pick out a few, here is a sampling of some of the responses:


"I have no attraction to "fat women". I am attracted, strongly, however to BBW, in fact to beautiful women of all sizes, but primarily Big Beautiful Women. To further elucidate this point I would say that I am not at all attracted to any woman with a negative body-image, whether she be fat or thin. In fact, I cannot define as "beautiful" any woman who does not believe herself to be beautiful "as is". I would also add that I am equally unattracted to women who feel that they need to lose a few pounds to become "beautiful" and women who feel that they need to gain a few pounds to become "beautiful"…

…To directly answer the question with regard to am I "open" about my preference for rubenesque women. Not only am I open, I am borderline-evangelistic about it in all phases of my life. There is nothing to be ashamed of or reticent about letting other people know what you find attractive in the opposite (or same) sex…"



"I think it's different for everyone. For me, at some point it became unthinkable that I would a) deny myself the pleasure of seeking the kind of partner I really wanted, and b) keep that a secret. As a result, I became very involved in the size acceptance movement, explained my position and preference on many TV shows, and found that it no only made me feel good about being true to my believes, but that I didn't lose my job or my friends. This doesn't necessarily make the road I've taken the only one, or even the right one, but one that I do believe in and that worked for me."



"Men that look at you longer than usual probably do so because you are quite beautiful. After viewing the photos on your home page, if I saw you on the street I too would do a double take and I am not a FA, don't even like the term. Yet I think that you and many, many other women, some much larger than you, some smaller, are quite desirable. So it is beauty that I admire. Attempting to change people to suit oneself is wrong and will never work...

…I try to treat everyone kindly, and to show a touch of gallantry towards women, but I admit I make special efforts with BBWs, at least in part because I know so many other treat them poorly. Despite this, and my obvious adoration of my wife, nobody has ever asked me about my preferences in women since my first year in University, and that friend only heard those parts of what I said that he wanted to. I more-or-less assume that the more observant of my friends, co-workers, and even random strangers may have figured out my tastes in this regard, but truthfully I feel no need to shout it from the roof tops. If anyone were to ask at this point, I would certainly tell them. If anyone were to say something slighting big people that I found unacceptable I would certainly tell them so... but strangely, none of this stuff happens around me. Which is fine, I'd rather talk about many other things anyway."



"I don't find fat attractive in itself… What I can say is that, on first impression, I find women of many different shapes and sizes attractive. What keeps me attracted, however, has little to do with size or appearance. Oh, certainly there are some girls I would have to struggle to find attractive no matter how well I knew them, but on the whole, the more I know of a woman, the more that seems to affect how attracted I feel.

You referenced men who say they love fat girls, as if heavy women were all the same. I could never see myself saying that, because I know that there are some girls I love and others I don't and fat has very little to do with it. Do I get the occasional sexual tingle when I see a larger woman? Sometimes. It was in exploration of why this happens -- even though I think I see thin as the ideal -- that brought me to this site. But I hope that this transient feeling would never be the deciding factor in why I would choose to spend time with someone else.

(Editor's note - the following paragraph received a slew of negative responses from the board, but I chose to include it because of its complete honesty on the subject.) This having been said, does a woman's weight sometime discourage me from wanting to get to know her, even though I may find her attractive? Sadly, I think I have to say 'yes.' *sigh* People here often speak of the attractiveness of confidence in a large woman, and I am coming to see their point. It may be a stereotype, but I think most fat women expect a certain amount of rejection based on experience, and over time that erodes confidence compared to, say, the high school Homecoming Queen who expects the approval and attention of others (male and female) as if it were as natural as expecting to take another breath. This lack of confidence is not what I'm looking for in a companion or mate, and I shy away from people when I perceive that they lack it. More horrid still, though, I think I recognize that, also like in high school, to be seen with a larger woman may degrade me to less than popular status. I think that in my weaker moments I must view my (potential) companion as a trophy or a badge of achievement to boost my own self-worth rather than as a real someone to experience life with, no matter what her weight…

…I hope that any woman would not feel like I were rejecting her because of her appearance, no matter what her weight. Can I say that doesn't happen? No, I think, not yet. But I can peer through the mists of the future and expect I can get better at it as I mature. I don't think, however, that orienting my identity around my aesthetic and sexual preferences is the answer to my self-centeredness."



(Here's another response that goes both ways a bit )
"Just to say that I have a "love of fat women" is an oversimplification. I'll try to explain it, but it's complicated.

A woman's attractiveness has several components. The main four are:

1. Aesthetic appeal--how beautiful is she?
2. Erotic appeal--how sexy is she?
3. Social appeal--what will my family and friends think of her? (I wish I didn't care about this but I do, what can I say?)
4. Personality--how much do I like talking to her and being with her?

For me, a woman's fatness (or lack thereof) is affects each of these components in different ways. From the aesthetic standpoint, I tend to prefer thinner women. Perhaps that's because I've been raised in a society that holds such women up as an ideal. From the erotic standpoint, I prefer heavier women--I think that's an innate preference of mine…

From the social standpoint, I prefer thinner women, who are more admired by society in general, but it's not much of an issue to me unless the woman is exceptionally fat. Again, I'm not proud of this preference, but I have it.

From the personality standpoint, fatness doesn't matter directly--however, I prefer assertive, confident women. Society has beaten the assertiveness and confidence out of a lot fat women. They become convinced of their own unattractiveness, and unintentionally convince me of the same thing. So the attractiveness of any given woman is a complex mix of all these components. As far as weight goes, any actual woman, in my eyes, will have an ideal aesthetic weight and an ideal erotic weight that's quite a bit heavier. Her actual weight will be some kind of compromise. I think I'm not alone in this respect.

How open am I with my preferences? Actually, it doesn't come up much. Most men in my experience don't discuss their sexual preferences to any great degree. On the rare occasions people have asked me, I've been honest. Also, I have gone out with fairly large women, as well as averaged-sized ones, and I never go out with thin ones, so my family and friends must have drawn some conclusions about my preferences…"




So, while there seems to be many different reasons why men chose to date BBWs, the fact remains that they do. When I hear from women who insist that they just aren't out there, it makes me sad. A concurrent theme among the responses was that the lack of confidence is a major turn-off, which brings me back to my first point (and something I can't say enough). People treat you exactly how you let them treat you - and if you don't feel worthy enough to be dating a man, chances are he won't think you are either.

Trust me goils'… they are out there and there's a lot more of them than you probably think. Open your eyes, hold your head high, put a little sway in your hips, and KNOW that you are worth all the attention that you are bound to get!

* FA = Fat Admirer






SoshBfly@juno.com