How I got to this point...
...and why I'm still happy about it.
First let me start by letting everyone know that I didn't actually realize that I was a "fat kid". Sure, kids teased me when I was young, but everybody got teased at that age and since I also picked on those with glasses, frizzy hair, buck teeth - I figured that was just what kids did and it really had nothing to do with me personally.
The only people drilling into me the fact of my portliness were the adults in my life. That's the big misconception, I think. My friends and classmates weren't the ones who would try to bribe me with a new bathing suit or winter coat if I would only lose those few extra pounds. It was my Dad, my Grandmother, my aunts, and my uncles who would try to make me feel as though I wasn't worthy enough of that new suit or coat unless I was thin. I am sure now that it wasn't their intention to make me think that, but they did. I even remember once when I was 14, my uncle's fiancee, whom I practically worshipped, said that I could be a bridesmaid in her wedding if I lost weight. By this point in my life I was already at full physical maturity, and whopping size 13! Thus became the first event in my life that I felt I needed to be thin to participate in and the start of my very first diet!
Looking back now on those days, I really had a great body - terrific, shapely, long legs, small waist, and large breasts. "If I only knew then…" blah, blah, blah. The biggest shame is that had I not started that first diet, I am convinced that I would probably still be a size 13, maybe 15/16 now that I am in my mid-20s, but surely not what I am now (that comes later).
The weight came off relatively easily, as it does at that age (which subsequently gives you the hope later in life that it IS possible to do it the same way with the same results - Newsflash! Its not!) I ate a half grapefruit for breakfast, plain salad for lunch, and popcorn for dinner. This was before the days of "fat-free" everything. It was unhealthy, but of course I didn't care. I got down to a 9/10 (the smallest that I think my body is capable of going to).
The wedding never happened and the weight came back, and then some. Then there was my first high-school boyfriend. So the weight came off again. But then we broke-up and the weight came back again, but this time with even a few more extra pounds. Then, let's see… I really can't remember the next event - probably my first day at college, or whatever, and this time I had help. There was a hypnotherapist-friend who was convinced I was too pretty to be "so fat". Yes, those were his words. And so he waived his $150/hour fee and I became his little project.
The hypnosis worked and I went from 225lbs to 190lbs in 2 ½ months. Within the next 2 months another 20lbs came off and I was a DIVA!! Man, my ego went through the roof. I was dating men left and right and soon partying took over all my free time and my not-so-free time, i.e., college. I was a solid 9/10 for the first time in my adult life and I was loving it.
Amazingly, the weight stayed off for a couple years. Then, unbeknownst to me, I started taking a medication for a hyperacidic valve in my stomach (college stress) and slowly, and without my knowledge, the weight started creeping back on. Its funny looking back on it now that I didn't become aware of it sooner. Confidence and male attention can be a powerful aphrodisiac - one that sometimes blinds. Thin people always wonder "how did they let themselves get so fat??". This was how I did. The partying continued and the culmination of drinking, late-night dinners (or actually breakfasts), food-on-the-run, and a medication that slowed my metabolism down to a crawl is what did it for me. Not to mention the fact that the word "exercise" didn't fit into my vocabulary during that time.
So flash-forward about 6 months - at a steady weight gain of approximately 10-15lbs a month, and in no time I was up 250lbs! How the hell did that happen, I was thinking when I had to buy my first pair of size 20 jeans?? Easily, I realized. But something was definitely different, but oddly the same. I didn't FEEL fat. I still felt like I had when I squeezed into my tight junior department jeans. I was still a confident beautiful woman, now there was just a bit more of me.
That's how it happened for me. I refused to believe that just because I had gained weight, I was any less of a person (because obviously I wasn't). I still had the same brain, same face, same personality, and same outlook on life.
You'll notice that when I was naming the adults who used to bribe me to lose weight, one adult not listed was my Mom. She was also blessed with the same genes and knew what it was like for people to put so much emphasis on her weight. She was one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen, no matter what her size. I figured that if I could look at her that way, and I knew she looked at me the same way, so could other people. And if they couldn't - screw them. Those were actually her words - "screw them!" she would say anytime I felt like crap because of my size. She drilled it into me that they were the lucky ones to know me - I was kind, generous, and friendly - and if they couldn't get over my weight, it was most definitely their loss. A bit much, maybe, but she is my Mom - parents usually are biased. But her point was on the mark - people who devoted too much energy in trying to change me, weren't worth my energy to deal with them.
That's why I am the way I am today. Fortunately, I haven't had to say "screw them" in ages and that I attribute to my attitude. This is my firm belief - people treat you the way you let them treat you and no other way. I had a friend a few years back who used to moan that when she was fat men didn't open the door for her (you know those acts of chivalry that men ALWAYS do no matter what your size? - RIGHT!). But at that point I had a good 50lbs on her and I explained that men did open the door for me and smiled doing so. That's my point - I acted liked I deserved to have that door open and it was. No one is going to think they should treat you any better then you treat yourself.
But that's the theme of my next story being confident enough to get the things you deserve. See you all then!
SoshBfly@hotmail.com
How I got to this point...
...and why I'm still happy about it.First let me start by letting everyone know that I didn't actually realize that I was a "fat kid". Sure, kids teased me when I was young, but everybody got teased at that age and since I also picked on those with glasses, frizzy hair, buck teeth - I figured that was just what kids did and it really had nothing to do with me personally.
The only people drilling into me the fact of my portliness were the adults in my life. That's the big misconception, I think. My friends and classmates weren't the ones who would try to bribe me with a new bathing suit or winter coat if I would only lose those few extra pounds. It was my Dad, my Grandmother, my aunts, and my uncles who would try to make me feel as though I wasn't worthy enough of that new suit or coat unless I was thin. I am sure now that it wasn't their intention to make me think that, but they did. I even remember once when I was 14, my uncle's fiancee, whom I practically worshipped, said that I could be a bridesmaid in her wedding if I lost weight. By this point in my life I was already at full physical maturity, and whopping size 13! Thus became the first event in my life that I felt I needed to be thin to participate in and the start of my very first diet!
Looking back now on those days, I really had a great body - terrific, shapely, long legs, small waist, and large breasts. "If I only knew then…" blah, blah, blah. The biggest shame is that had I not started that first diet, I am convinced that I would probably still be a size 13, maybe 15/16 now that I am in my mid-20s, but surely not what I am now (that comes later).
The weight came off relatively easily, as it does at that age (which subsequently gives you the hope later in life that it IS possible to do it the same way with the same results - Newsflash! Its not!) I ate a half grapefruit for breakfast, plain salad for lunch, and popcorn for dinner. This was before the days of "fat-free" everything. It was unhealthy, but of course I didn't care. I got down to a 9/10 (the smallest that I think my body is capable of going to).
The wedding never happened and the weight came back, and then some. Then there was my first high-school boyfriend. So the weight came off again. But then we broke-up and the weight came back again, but this time with even a few more extra pounds. Then, let's see… I really can't remember the next event - probably my first day at college, or whatever, and this time I had help. There was a hypnotherapist-friend who was convinced I was too pretty to be "so fat". Yes, those were his words. And so he waived his $150/hour fee and I became his little project.
The hypnosis worked and I went from 225lbs to 190lbs in 2 ½ months. Within the next 2 months another 20lbs came off and I was a DIVA!! Man, my ego went through the roof. I was dating men left and right and soon partying took over all my free time and my not-so-free time, i.e., college. I was a solid 9/10 for the first time in my adult life and I was loving it.
Amazingly, the weight stayed off for a couple years. Then, unbeknownst to me, I started taking a medication for a hyperacidic valve in my stomach (college stress) and slowly, and without my knowledge, the weight started creeping back on. Its funny looking back on it now that I didn't become aware of it sooner. Confidence and male attention can be a powerful aphrodisiac - one that sometimes blinds. Thin people always wonder "how did they let themselves get so fat??". This was how I did. The partying continued and the culmination of drinking, late-night dinners (or actually breakfasts), food-on-the-run, and a medication that slowed my metabolism down to a crawl is what did it for me. Not to mention the fact that the word "exercise" didn't fit into my vocabulary during that time.
So flash-forward about 6 months - at a steady weight gain of approximately 10-15lbs a month, and in no time I was up 250lbs! How the hell did that happen, I was thinking when I had to buy my first pair of size 20 jeans?? Easily, I realized. But something was definitely different, but oddly the same. I didn't FEEL fat. I still felt like I had when I squeezed into my tight junior department jeans. I was still a confident beautiful woman, now there was just a bit more of me.
That's how it happened for me. I refused to believe that just because I had gained weight, I was any less of a person (because obviously I wasn't). I still had the same brain, same face, same personality, and same outlook on life.
You'll notice that when I was naming the adults who used to bribe me to lose weight, one adult not listed was my Mom. She was also blessed with the same genes and knew what it was like for people to put so much emphasis on her weight. She was one of the most beautiful people I had ever seen, no matter what her size. I figured that if I could look at her that way, and I knew she looked at me the same way, so could other people. And if they couldn't - screw them. Those were actually her words - "screw them!" she would say anytime I felt like crap because of my size. She drilled it into me that they were the lucky ones to know me - I was kind, generous, and friendly - and if they couldn't get over my weight, it was most definitely their loss. A bit much, maybe, but she is my Mom - parents usually are biased. But her point was on the mark - people who devoted too much energy in trying to change me, weren't worth my energy to deal with them.
That's why I am the way I am today. Fortunately, I haven't had to say "screw them" in ages and that I attribute to my attitude. This is my firm belief - people treat you the way you let them treat you and no other way. I had a friend a few years back who used to moan that when she was fat men didn't open the door for her (you know those acts of chivalry that men ALWAYS do no matter what your size? - RIGHT!). But at that point I had a good 50lbs on her and I explained that men did open the door for me and smiled doing so. That's my point - I acted liked I deserved to have that door open and it was. No one is going to think they should treat you any better then you treat yourself.
But that's the theme of my next story being confident enough to get the things you deserve. See you all then!
SoshBfly@hotmail.com