Prom is fast approaching. What a simple sentence. I'm going to describe to you as best as I can some of the things that have been going on with me. I'm not thin. Obviously. I am 5'10" and weigh 195-200 lbs. I'm not fat. I wear a size 16, sometimes its more like 14 or 18 depending on the style. Anyway, that's not important. What's important is that I still don't like myself. Or should I say I'm not as happy as I should be. I have a lot going for me. I have beautiful curly hair (on good days) bright eyes, I sing well, I am 2nd chair in the band, I have a flair for photography, I have good social skills but put me in a swimsuit and I am miserable. Usually.

 

Why is this? Numerous times my guy friends have caught me "checking out" other girls. Like, they will say "there goes one hot chick" and I'll turn my head to look. Sorry guys, I'm not checking them out, I'm merely comparing myself to them, which is the worst possible thing to do. Even just sitting in homeroom I look over to the majorette in those cute little black capris and a light blue midriff revealing top, flirting with the band vice president, and I think "those pants would look really bad on me" I go through the whole day just comparing myself to people. And then, I look to my friend Jamie. She's the most adorable thing I think she's stunning in fact, not in any kind of romantic way, but she has this glow to her. She is radiant, confident, so sweet and she's larger than I am. So she gives me a bit of confidence. And then I go to my boyfriends house (he's a skinny thing) sometimes I feel like a giant next to him. But somehow, he gets me to not think that, he constantly!! tells me that I'm beautiful as he playfully grabs my flab. I wish I could see it all the time that I'm beautiful rather than just sometimes.

 

Anyway, prom is coming up. This means finding a dress. My mother makes most of my dress clothes, so we went out and bought a pattern and material. She makes the dress, and then of course tells me that it would look perfect on me if I would only lose a few pounds. This coming from a woman who is 6' tall and weighs 145, in her late 40's and still thinks she's fat and ugly (I love my mum, she is beautiful) and then my sister comes home from cheer leading practice (I have something against cheerleaders) and says "Jackie, that dress is really tight on you" as I say "yeah, well that top is really tight on you flirting with the football players again?" (I know, totally uncalled for, but she hurt my feelings. Then she calls me a fat ugly nerdy cow and takes her shirt (it HAS to be a size to small) and bounces off.

 

In English class, a few of my friends sit around talking. One is a former cheerleader, one is a karate black belt, and one is just a normal girl size 9 or so the cheerleader and the girl are talking about going to the gym, and karate boy gives them some pointers on how to lose weight. Now, these girls think they are fat. And I'm like "would you guys just shut up? Neither of you is fat. At all. End of story." And then they say "yes we are" and I say "you aren't fat, I am." And then they all say "no, you aren't fat." OK, so these chicks think they are huge and ugly, yet they are way smaller than I am and then karate boy says " well, you could lose a few pounds, you might feel better about yourself" well, at least he's honest. But both things hurt. Them telling me I wasn't fat hurt, and him saying what he did hurt. I can't win.

 

OK, since I'm supposed to be giving some kind of positive thinking, here it is. I'm not dieting. Why? Because I feel that if I can't accept myself as being a little heavy (not fat) then how can I accept myself any other way? And the people who really care, like my boyfriend, love me for me and not for my body. Its just a matter of getting over the fact that I have rolls on my stomach and my butt is kinda dimply. Then, once I can accept myself no matter what I look like, I can decide if I want to change. For me, not for karate boy or my sister or mother, or all the little majorettes in there cute little black capri's.

 

You may contact Jackie at:

Mage@chickmail.com

 

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