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As Told On June 23,
1995
Good morning everybody!
I am here today to share my experience
of being a battered woman, how I survived years of physical and
emotional abuseand my experience with the health care system.
I am doing this because no person
should be forced to live the way my children and I were forced
to live.
I was 22 years old when I met my ex-husband
in the Philippines. It was a short courtship that led to what
soon turned out to be a nightmare marriage. At first I did not
care that much if he tried to control me but as time went on,
the control grew and became more intense.
He constantly questioned my every
movement. He asked, "Where did you go?" "Who did
you talk to?" He even became obsessed with my past. I didn't
understand his actions, his questions or his treatment of me.
He knew I had never been with any other man, that he was the
first one to touch me. Each day he would only give me a few minutes
to go to the market and shop. If I was late I suffered when I
got home. He did not let me visit my family. He left me alone
for many hours each day while he went drinking.
My world became smaller and smaller.
I was afraid to even say hello to
my old schoolmate and it came to the point that I didn't want
to see people because I was so afraid of what he might do.
Once he was out and my mom came by
asking me to help her with an errand. I was hesitant to go with
her and wanted to ask him first, but I couldn't find him. My
mother needed my help, so I decided to go with her. When I returned
in a couple of hours, he was hysterical and violent. He screamed
and yelled and left me with bruises all over my arms. He accused
me of being with somebody other than my mother. He held me over
the balcony and threatened to let go. The people three stories
down watched but no one called the police. In the end, he told
me that he was returning me and my son to my parents. Prior to
this, I had kept the sadness of my marriage from my family. I
was raised in a kind, loving, conservative, Catholic family and
thought my first marriage would be my only marriage. I never
dreamed that I would be a battered woman. I never thought that
the place I would fear most would be my home, or that the person
who would terrorize me would be my husband. So you can just imagine
how I felt. While it was a financially hard time, my son and
I were physically safe. With the help of my family, I was able
to start a business selling clothes. Later, I started a small
loan business and eventually opened a little restaurant.
In 1986, my ex-husband returned to
the Philippines crying and begging to be reunitedwith my son
and I. I agreed and it was the biggest mistake of my life. Not
only did he continue to abuse me, but he began abusing my son.
He also began hitting my son. My boy was three years old and
began wetting the bed at night. One time he hit my son in the
face while my son was asleep. He hit him so hard that blood came
from his nose and mouth. My son and I ended up hugging and crying.
I didn't know what to do. I was pregnant with my second child
and I was scared to go home to my family because every time I
went home, he would come in the middle of the night and kick
the door down. He terrorized my whole family. During one episode,
I called the police, but when they came, they said it was a family
matter and left.
Even though my uncle got injured when
he tried to help me and pacify my exhusband, still the police
refused to get involved. My family and I had no protection.
Eventually when my petition to go
to the U.S. was approved, I did not want to go, but I knew that
he would not leave us alone. I had heard that here in America,
child abuse was against the law. So for the sake of my children,
I decided to come to the States. When I came here, we lived with
his parents. He would not let me work. He would give me twenty
dollars for the house and then ask me what I did with the money.
I also found out that he was a crack addict and that his parents
supported that. That's when I realized why his parents were happy
and content to support him financially in the Philippines because
they were also scared of his violent behavior. My exhusband didn't
work very much and used all his money for his vices. Because
he wouldn't let me work the only way I had to provide for my
children was welfare. During one of his violent moods, he threw
a very thick, heavy ashtray at my head and it just missed me.
It also just missed my neighbor's baby. He threw it so hard that
it cracked. Afraid for my life I ran. He chased me to the manager's
apartment and I begged the manager to let me in. The manager
called the police, but when the police came, my exhusband disappeared.
My father-in-law swept up the evidence. The mother of the visiting
baby boy gave me the number of a shelter for abused women. The
next morning I waited until everybody left and I took my two
children and went to the shelter.
I had been at the shelter one month
when he found me. I was standing in line about to cash my check.
He nicely called to the children and said, "Let's go to
McDonalds" and the children ran to him and got into the
car. I had no choice but to go with him. I was afraid that he
would hurt my children. After I got in the car I found out that
he had a shotgun. He started driving fast and told me, "If
you can afford to lose the father of your kids, I can afford
to lose the mother." He said if he killed me, he would only
be in jail for three years. I begged him to let the children
go, but he wouldn't. Again, he asked me if I still loved him
and if I was going back to him. I felt that my only choice is
to say yes or die. So we got back together and he was still the
same person. He continued his violence toward me and toward my
children. After a particularly violent incident, he took my telephone
book and my green card. I ran next door and called the police.
I ended up in a shelter again and that's when I joined a program
for women who were homeless to start their own business. At first,
I was not sure I wanted to join it because I had planned to go
back home. But to my surprise, my exhusband left for the Philippines.
I filed for a divorce and got a restraining
order. I went to a business training, got a loan, and some financial
help from my brother and opened a restaurant. My parents came
to visit me. My life changed and I met a lot of friends and got
a lot of support.
It was the month of November, 1991
when I opened up the business. A lot of people in my program
helped me clean and prepare for the opening. It was the late
part of November when I received a call from my exhusband telling
me that I should hire my own bodyguard. I made a police report,
but they wanted me to sign papers before they could arrest him.
I did not do that because I was afraid that he would just be
out the next day. He continued to call and ask me if he can see
his kids. I let him see his kids with the hope that he would
stay sober. He asked me if we could be together again. I said
no and he started asking me if I was living with somebody. I
told him he needs to go to a rehab and get some treatment.
On December 27, I went out with my
friend Jane to buy a VCR. He called and continued calling me
at the restaurant, asking me where I had gone. After I returned
to the restaurant, he appeared. He asked me who is Jane and who
is Bob. I said, "Jane is my friend and I don't know who
is Bob." He pulled a knife from his jacket and stabbed my
mom in the stomach. She was cut and bleeding. He also stabbed
my father who weighs only 75 pounds. He tried to cut my throat
and I held the knife with my hands. He did this in front of my
children. While I was holding the knife away from my throat my
son called 911. When the police arrived, the knife was still
at my neck, but they were able to subdue him. When the ambulance
came, they put us together in one ambulance and I was so scared
because I was in the same ambulance with the man who just tried
to kill me. I called to the ambulance attendant and told him
this man just tried to kill me and told him I was scared. He
said, "Shut up bitch or I'll knock you out." When we
reached the hospital, they treated me right away. My mother and
father arrived at the hospital in separate ambulances. My mother
was rushed to surgery, but my father was left for many hours
on a gurney in the hallway. My father's thumb was almost completely
severed and the tendons were cut. He later required two surgeries,
but his first surgery did not happen until three days later.
My father only weighs 75 pounds and I feared that he would get
very weak because he was not able to eat while he was waiting
for surgery. Only after I told them that my father was losing
so much weight from not being able to eat for three days, they
operated on him that day.
When I was in the hospital recovering
I was so restless that I cannot explain my feelings. I talked
to the nurse and asked her why I don't want to see people and
feel like I cannot breathe freely. No one explained that I was
responding normally to such a frightening attack on myself and
my parents. They sent a social worker to talk to me about the
hospital bill. After this ordeal, the doctors, nurses, and the
physical therapist were very kind to us. All three of us are
left with permanent damage and I have more than one hundred stitches
and my fingers are not a normal shape any more. Once out of the
hospital I re-opened the restaurant.From jail, he continued to
call and threaten me. My family and I have healed. My restaurant
is doing well and my children are happy and doing well in school.
For three years, this case has languished in court. He has claimed
incompetence and therefore has not stood trial. But how can he
be incompetent to stand trial, but competent enough to call from
jail and threaten me. Because of how the law is, there is the
possibility that one day, he may be released without any record
of what he did to me and my family
So my story does not end.
I still live in fear.
I stand speaking to all of you here
to join forces in this fight against domestic violence. Remember
my children and remember all children.
Thank you. |
