| I can still taste that taste of fear, hear that loud pounding in my head. At first I did not know where it was coming from, in time I learned it was the pounding of my heart in fear. The instinct that grows inside you, knowing that the abuse is going to start yet again. That feeling of your body trying to curl up and hide inside that protective wall you have built inside yourself to hide from the mental humiliation and pain that you know is coming. I can still feel my stomach tie up in knots to the point of pain when I look back. Just to hear his truck coming down the road, or see it pull in the yard. Knowing he spent a few too many hours in the bar, it has to be tonight, he drank too much again. His violence was well controlled. When he swung, it was always where no one would see any marks. Even the punches to the nose that drew blood didn't leave any bruises, that's how controlled his hits were. That was fine, I was too embarrassed by the abuse. I didn't want anyone to know. God forbid if his friends found out, wouldn't look good to be the bad guy, just have to be the center of attention at all times. Most the town's people always said what a nice kind man he was. So much fun to be around, always around to help his friends. Gee, where was he every time I needed him? Where was he when his daughter needed him? At the BAR, his bottle was more important than his family ever could be. We didn't count on the list of priorities. It didn't matter that no matter how late for dinner he was, it was usually waiting for him. If it was late, I would get up and go serve it. That didn't matter either. Something would quite often be wrong with something; a look, a word, it didn't matter. There were nights that any excuse to begin calling me names was enough. The couple of times that I dared speak up to end it, his fist would do it for him, or furniture would be tipped over. I can still feel my pulse start to race, the body begin to cringe in fear, and that taste! Oh...that's when I would know the fist would begin to swing, even before it would. That inner instinct that in time you get, the knowledge long before anything even begins, that you know this is the night it starts all over. The knowledge that tomorrow it would be over and the apologies and lies that that was the last time would begin. Oh how those memories make me sick. He knew nothing would change, that he would not quit drinking, in fact knew within hours would be again, but had to start the day being Mr Nice Guy..god how it makes me sick just thinking about it. The last 10 years got worse. Most of the time I would stay silent, praying my silence would help. It didn't. If he was in the mood I would still get it, one way or the other. In silence I learned to hide behind a wall. There I could hide from some of the things he called me or hide from the pain to some extent, till hours later after he had passed out, that reality would creep back in. I can remember quite often holding my breath when I heard even the slightest movement, praying he would stay sleeping, for it to end for the night and, with luck, for weeks to come. The hardest reality of all, I think, is the knowledge that the majority of the town felt sorry for him when I ran. They could not understand how I could do something like that. Boy, does that place need a reality check. I will never forgive some for turning their heads when they knew what was going on. Never once trying to step in and help or offer a shoulder to cry on. The ones that did I am sure are on his hate list, especially his ex who I ran to and who protected me from him and hid me till I was out of town for good. I will always remember what she did for me. She had been there also, and stood by me through a lot over the years. I will always hold her dear to my heart. Thank you Brenda, without you I'm not sure where I would be right now. I will always hold you dear to my heart :-) Hold your head up high, show them your inner spirit, show them that big heart of yours. I have a feeling you're going to find happiness and peace as I finally have. And when you do, don't let any of them step on you, YOU have alot to be proud of, always remember that. It's very hard looking back and reliving the past. I lived with domestic violence for 21 years before finally facing life head on and leaving. I would probably still be there if it was not for a few good friends. The one, I will always hold dear to my heart :-) Ken sent me a little story of a woman looking at her husband and making a list of all the good things that he does for her. While reading this, I found myself crying. There was not one thing in that list that I could have said, "yes...I remember that." NOT ONE...no, he did not comfort me when I was sick, the bar was too important...no, he did not stay by my side when my father died, the bar was too important... no, the holidays were not happy ones, the bar was more important. And God forbid anything upset him at the bar.... for it was taken out on me... mental abuse...physical abuse..... If any of you are nodding your head to any of this...please... take a second look at your life. If you've been hit...take a second look at your life. It does not have to be like this, it's not normal, nor is it your fault. Get help...get out..you're not alone.In the last few months, I have found someone very special who I will always cherish and love. He has taught me there are good men out there..those that will cherish not beat or abuse you...Go on..:-) you can find that someone special too. Stop the violence before it is too late. Don't be afraid..you can do it...I did :-) If you need someone to talk to... or confide in... please feel free to e-mail me. No one will read it but me, and No one will hear about it, it's ok, you're not alone. |
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