I want to tell you the story behind my abuse. I am using my real name because I want people to know who the man was that abused me. His name is Larry and he is my father, or in my mind was my father. I do apologize for the graphic contents of these words but I know no other way to tell this story.

From the age of 5 to the age of 16 my father molested and raped me. I spent most of my childhood fearing being in the house alone with him. I hated it when my mom would leave me in his charge. The only times I could relax were the times that he was sent overseas. He was military and he was sent twice, once to Thyland and again to Quam. My only fear during these times was his coming home again.

My first memory was when I was five and he took me to his bedroom closet and closed the door and forced me to put his penis in my mouth. I just a few years ago underwent hypnosis and discovered only that this was not the first time. I do not have any memory of a time prior to that but I do remember thinking not again. So to be honest I cannot tell you how young I was when it began. He did everything to me including intercourse, oral sex and fondling (god how I hate that word.) To this day I cannot do some of the things I am told are pleasurable. I cannot engage in oral sex ever. I cannot make love to a man without the thought of my father interring my head. I cannot go a day without thinking about it.

Recently my father used his computer to try and get me again via my 18-year-old daughter. He used a name that sounded very young (Skidkiddo) and got my user name for my AOL instant messenger from my sister. He talked to her for several months and I had even talked to him thinking this was one of her friends. He knew all along whom he was speaking to and who my daughter was. When things started to not add up and when she started questioning him she discovered who he was. When I was five he stopped being my father and became a danger. He betrayed the trust that a 5-year-old has in a father. He shattered my life into hundreds of tiny pieces. I cannot go through a single day without the anger and the disappointment and the betrayal getting into my thoughts. Believe it or not I am pretty healthy after all that he did. There are several reasons for that. I am blessed with a mother who did not call me a liar when she found out about everything after my parents divorced. She did not call me a liar, she did not blame me and she told me I did not have to speak to him ever again if that was my wish. She has allowed me to talk about when ever I want. Talking about it is truly what saved me. I also finally after so many year (I am 38 now) sat down and wrote him a letter. I was not nice and told him everything I have ever wanted to tell him but was too afraid. I knew that others (his wife) would see the letter too but I did not care. After what he had done to me that was nothing. Yes that may sound like vengeance but it was something I had to do for my own sanity. These days I get angry at the fact that he still does not see that he has done anything other then love me. He does not see himself as sick or harmful. I want others to know who he is and if they should ever come in contact with him do not leave your daughters alone with him. He will get them too. He is old but still on the move for the next victim.

Thank you for letting me tell my story.