The BEST together picture I have of my oldest five children. This was taken in 1992.(It's time for a new one, you guys!)
 
My oldest son, Kansas;
clockwise: Kaiha, me and Vanessa, Taryn, and Geoffrey.
 
My husband, who I adore, and our precious son.
 
My daughter, Kayla, and my granddaughter.
Sweet little Sara . . . Kaiha, Mark, THANK YOU.
Kaiha, this is my favorite picture of us.
 
Vanessa, my oldest, and her boyfriend Kelly.
And Mark and Kaiha on their wedding day!
I always wished I could have done things differently as a parent. Common wish, huh? Look at my family. Aren't they beautiful? As I've gotten older, I realize that we experience exactly what we need to, to become who we are. 'Trials' is what our grandparents called the hard times. We all carry our parents mistakes with us as part of our Earth walk. My children are no different. I am sorry for the things that have hurt my kids. I love EACH of them with my whole heart. Thankfully, it is human to heal from old wounds and hopefully, we get wiser and learn the connected lessons. So to all my beautiful children, I want to say "Today is such a precious gift. LIVE IT the best you can right NOW. Tomorrow is uncertain. Try not to worry so much about it. What about yesterday? Learn from it and let it go. If it sucked, so much the better that it's over. Don't spend 40+ years learning this. Let my lesson be worth something to you. TODAY, we have the opportunity to love each other and TELL each other. Let's not waste it. We are so blessed to be alive and have the chance to continue on."
with all my love, ~ Momma
To other mothers who have made the decision to let their children's father raise them, I want to offer you something to help you cope.
Do you like the ocean? I do. I named my fourth child Kaiha which means seawater. When I found my dad in 1985, he showed me the ocean for the first time by moonlight. It's such a personal thing for me.
If you can, look at this situation like the tide. The tide is such an amazing thing. Just like your feelings, each coming is unique. NEVER justify your decision. You made it. You did what you had to do. Hindsight can kill you. It just IS how it is. The pain and tears come, they are inevitable. Just like the tide.
When I came up with this analogy, I began to let myself look at WHY I made the decisions that lead to my leaving the kids with their father. I made the right decision no matter how I 'feel'. The kids and I suffered because of it, but I knew in my heart it was my RESPONSIBILITY to hold fast to my course, and that it was in EVERYONE's best interest. Even though THEY couldn't see it. I had clearcut reasons.
When the pain comes, I remind myself that I did the right thing and it's OK to feel the emotions of the situation. Some days are very good, and some are so very difficult. The swell overtakes everything as the tide rises. Yet each time, as the water receeds, if you just let yourself look, there are gifts left in the water's wake; a shell
here, a little creature that skittles across the sand, there, a bird that dives down for a tidbit in a pool. It's the same with each visit you have with your child. Every encounter will hold a moment that you will remember so much more
intensely than a step mother ever will; or their father. They take their time
for granted. It's common for them. THAT is it's own kind of gift.
One morning, while on vacation, I walked the beach in Florida at 5 am. The tide had just gone out. The moon was still overhead and that was the only light. There were tide pools in the sand. I walked barefoot, just having alone time. In one of those pools, there was the most beautiful conch shell. It was almost completely buried in the sand. I could easily have missed it. I remember how I felt finding it and pulling it out. That treasure was mine alone. And so it is when your child visits. When you get depressed, reach out. Talk to your friends. It helps. Nothing makes the pain of being without your child more intense than dealing with it alone.
One more thing that I want to share. Guilt is useless. It only serves to keep you mired in the past. We live in an amazing age where contact can be REAL TIME. I don't know how old your child is, but my baby; she was not even 3 when I left, is now 12. She and I IM each other all the time. We play and cut up and be silly and I send her emails and we play tag online. If yours is not old enough to be computer literate, be patient. It comes. Send tapes and a tape recorder for a gift and you tape your voice. Read stories. Draw pictures and put them in the mail. TOUCH your child whenever, HOWever you can. It will be good enough! And when you have that precious life with you, put everything that you possibly can on hold. FOCUS on your child, at their level. He/She will REMEMBER. Have your own traditions. Sing the same song each night as you tuck your child into bed. I have a music box I wind for mine. She loves it. She doesn't live with me so it's a novelty. She also doesn't have as much chance to break it so it stays and waits for her visits. Just take how you look at this thing in your life and change it from a monster to something you can live with. Today, I can honestly say I have more peace with this than I ever dreamed possible.
I sure hope you know how much love comes to you with these thoughts. I wouldn't wish this experience on my worst enemy. But I do know I fight the same battles that many other parents fight. In my life, I CHOOSE to see the time with my children as treasures, gifts of the tide.
You can't change the decision you made, but YOU have the power to control the monster, and YOU have the ability to ride the tide.
I know full well that father's have had to cope with the same thing for years and years and there was no place for YOU to turn either. Please know, this is not written to downgrade your pain. I am a mother and as such, my site presents a mother's point of view. If you, as a father, can use these words to find comfort in your life, I am doubly honored.
Both my fathers were Marines.
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