24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-376-2272
"Peace Begins in the Home"
PREDICTORS OR POTENTIAL ABUSERS
"DO YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW, SHOW A COMBINATION OF THESE WARING SIGNALS? IF SO, NOW
IS THE TIME FOR YOU OR YOUR FRIEND TO GET HELP LEARNING TO CONTROL ANGER, EXPRESS IT
CONSTRUCTIVELY, AND LEARN ALTERNATIVE WAYS TO SOLVE PROBLEMS. BEWARE OF CHOOSING A SPOUSE
WITH THESE CHARACTERISTICS -- THAT PERSON WILL BE LIKELY TO ABUSE YOU!"
- DID HE GROW UP IN A VIOLENT FAMILY? People who grow up in families where thy have been
abuse as children, or where one parent - usually the father - beats the other, are likely
to become wife-beaters or childbeaters, or both. They have grown up learning that
violence is normal behavior. Those who come from violent homes may claim that they
will never behave that way, but they often resort to violence when faced with the problems
of marriage and parenting.
- DOES HE TEND TO USE FORCE OR VIOLENCE TO "SOLVE" HIS PROBLMES? A young man who has
a criminal record for violence, who gets into fights, or who likes to act tough, is likely
to act the same way with his wife for children. Does he have a quick temper? Does he
over-recat to little problems and frustrations, such as not finding a parking space
or having a bad seat at the movies? Is he destructive when he's angry? Does he punch walls
or throw things when he's upset? Any of these behaviors may be a sign of a person who will
work out bad feelings with violence. Do not minimize a tendency he may have to be cruel to
animals. Cruelty to animals is a common behavior of men who are also cruel and abusive to
women and children.
- DOES HE ABUSE ALCOHOL OR OTHER DRUGS? There is a stong link between violence and problems
with drugs and alcohol. Be alert to his possible drinking/drug problem, particulary if he
refuses to admit that he has a problem, or refuses to get help. Do not think that you
can change him.
- DOES THE THINK POORLY OF HIMSELF? Does he guard his masculinity by trying to act tough?
He may think he's "acting like a man", but in fact, he may be acting like a future batterer.
- DOES HE HAVE STONG TRADITIONAL IDEAS ABOUT WHAT A MAN SHOULD BE AND WHAT A WOMAN
SHOULD BE? Does he think a woman should stay at home, take care of her husband, and
follow his wishes and orders? In other words, does he act like women are second-class
citizens?
- IS HE JEALOUS OF YOU - NOT JUST OF OTHER YOUNG MEN YOU MAY KNOW - BUT EVEN OF YOUR
GIRLFRIENDS? Does he "keep tabs" on you? Does he want you with him all of the time, even
when it is inconvenient for you?
- DOES HE PLAY WITH GUNS, KNIVES, OR OTHER LETHAL INSTRUMENTS? Does he talk of using them
against people, or threaten to use them to "get even"?
- DOES HE EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW HIS ORDERS OR ADVICE? Does he become angry if you do not
fulfill his wishes, if you cannot anticipate what he wants?
- DOES HE GO THROUGH EXTREME HIGHS AND LOWS, AS THOUGH HE IS ALMOST TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE?
Is he extremely kind at one time, and extremely cruel at another time?
- WHEN HE GETS ANGRY, DO YOU FEAR HIM? Do you find that not making him angry has become a
major part of your life? Do you do what he wants you to do, rather than what you want to do?
- DOES HE TREAT YOU ROUGHLY? Hit you? Does he physically force you to do what you do not
want to do? Abuse during dating is a guarantee of later abuse, and more violent abuse. Do not
think that marriage will change him for the better. It will almost certainly change him for
the worse. If he does abuse you, you are already a battered woman and should seek help now.
- DO YOU FEEL THREATENED BY HIM? Are you afraid to break up with him, because he might
hurt you? have you changed your life so you won't make him angry? If so, you are
abused and should seek advice from your local battered women's center.
Created on: March 3, 1999
Last Modified:
lacasa@zianet.com
