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Collars
When the doors of perception are cleansed everything appears as it truly is – infinite --William Blake
it's been a fairly long, fairly quiet day for this one. i have been missing Master and thinking about Him a great deal. i hope He is okay... He was so tired the other night and i worry about Him getting sick.
mostly, my thoughts were not about that, though. in some ways, they were vaguely unsettling, almost disturbing to me. i think it stems from last night, and a conversation i had with my friend g.
she told me how tonight she expects to be collared by M., which seemed a little sudden to me because they had only been together about a week or so, and a week ago she was with Someone else. it just seemed sudden for a collaring, but then... i have seen collars go on even faster than that online before. it just ... somehow... happens that way. it is almost like people who are in Vegas and end up getting married even though they just met; online it makes it easier to take the comittment of a collar lightly.
when i was talking to her, in that moment, i suddenly felt a longing for a collar. it was interesting, disturbing, exciting... it is the first time i have felt that since the end of my last relationship. every other time since then that a collar has been mentioned in my presence it would turn my stomach a little, make my throat tighten and make me nervous and upset. i didn't want one; i couldn't imagine wearing one; the thought made me want to run.
it wasn't til a moment later that i realized that, wow, you know, all of a sudden i can imagine wearing a collar again. it is something that once again would be something good to me and not something terrible... something i would even look forward to and long for again. that surprised me a lot in that moment.
it disturbed me a little, too, because the logical part of me was just about shrieking and throwing fits and saying NONONONONONONONO to the thought of a collar.. *laughs* and the sentimental part of me was saying... oooooh... gosh that would be lovely again... and i wonder if Master would get me a real collar to wear too and i wonder if W/we would have a ceremony....
*shakes head* it was very confusing, to say the least. however, looking back on it, i can see that something inside of me must be healing for me to be able to think that way again, to consider a collar, and associate it with good things again instead of just horrible things.
the last time Master and i discussed a collar it made me very nervous. i can't remember the exact words but i think i said something akin to the idea that collars had lost all their meaning for me. i think this either upset or angered Him a little, He responded saying that if He offered me His collar it would mean something and i would know that it did. i agreed, but in that moment i was a little... i don't know how to explain it. disbelieving perhaps.
now, though, i can see where i would want to wear a collar again. *smiles softly* in fact, i can see where i might want it very much. a lot of this i know is due to Master. i am learning slowly that He is a most extraordinary man, and quite possibly the only "natural Dominant" that i have ever known intimately. there are many things about D/s and about myself that i am having to unlearn and relearn with Him. His knowledge at times about even the little things that make me tick inside just blows me away. but truly it is the fact that i am growing to trust Him more and more, that my fears are shrinking and slowly dying that makes me realize i can be with Him in every way, including collared to Him.
it's kind of funny, up til now i thought there was no point in my wearing His collar, because i knew i was His with or without it, no matter. now, though, it is very different, and i am starting to see the line again that wearing the collar represents. it's exciting to think about.
in a totally unrelated and completely related instance *giggle* back to another thought i had last night: i wonder if Master will get a real collar for me to wear or if that would wait til He collared me Himself ever real life. i have always looked at cyber collars as almost training collars, at least to me, to lead to a one day real collaring. i know there are people online who will only ever wear cyber collars because, for a variety of reasons, they never want to take the lifestyle to real life, and that is fine for them. for me, however, it is different. what i really long for is the day i am a real life slave again, and wear a real collar, placed there by my Master.
perhaps it is pushing it a bit to wear a real collar even when He and i are still so far apart, but... it is something to consider. something i have never done with a purely cyber relationship in the past, but something that suddenly, and i'm not sure why, seems very appealing to me.
i also wonder if i will get to wear bells. i ran into a rather lovely net shop the other day through a web ring that sold kits to make your own slave bells. i wanted so badly to buy some for myself but it didn't seem right. they weren't too expensive, and with my background in jewelry design i likely could put it together without any trouble at all, but... it just didn't feel right to get them for myself. oh, well, i guess i just have to wait. they sold kits for collars, too. some were just lovely and plenty discreet enough to wear every day out in the world. only another D/s person would recognize them for anything but a lovely piece of jewelry (i think).
by the way, if anyone reading this journal entry (including You Master... hint hint *giggle*) is wondering what net shop i am talking about, they are located at: http://hometown.aol.com/roxysmiles/honey.html and they also have a wonderful selection of other jewelry like anklets and toe rings that have D/s themes. if my credit card wasn't maxed out already i have a feeling they would have done at least a little business from me on some of the other jewelry (and they may, still!!!)
i think i may go off afk a little bit to wait for Master. i've been reading an Ann Rice book that i am having a terrible time getting through. it's called The Witching Hour, the first in the Mayfair witches line... and is almost a thousand pages long, with small, dense print on the pages. i've been reading it for a bot more than a week and am only up to about page 600 which is fairly unusual for me. i finish an average 350 page novel in 2 to 3 days, reading normally, and it seems like i have been reading constantly and just can't progress through this book. the story intrigues me, but it is fairly dense to get through. it has to go back to the library soon, though, so i had better start moving a little faster on it! i only have four days left!
til next W/we meet be well and happy --di
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