peace and paradoxes
Love doesn't make the world go 'round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile. --Franklin P. Adams
it is only midafternoon, but this has already been a lovely day. i am feeling very centered today, and very happy, very content. i miss Master, but thinking of Him brings only happy thoughts to me and wonderful feelings. there is a calmness and peace in my heart that i think has grown from my happiness with Master.
i always find an inner serenity with growing submission. the deeper i travel into the submission in my soul, the more peaceful my entire countenance grows, and it spreads throughout my life. it is a wonderful, glorious thing, and if it is this lovely now, i can't even imagine how wonderful it will be as i continue to explore the depths of my submission with Him.
there is a part of me that is still aching and longing inside, and i know it is for the deeper submission, but that scares me as well. it has been a long time since i have given so deeply of myself, and i truly don't know if i ever have willingly given myself as deeply as i know i want to with Him. in the past it was taken, more than given.
it is as though i can feel myself opening just a little more to Him every day.
this worries me a little, too, for other reasons, and i have been trying to rein it in a little yesterday and today. i am worried after what Master and i talked about the other night, about taking our time, and i worry that i might give of myself, give my submission too easily. He has said to me in the past that something easily had isn't worth having. am i too easily had?
i have been trying to hold myself back a little bit the last two days because of this fear, but the holding back just hurts me more... so i think, regardless, that i have to let it go and just allow myself to open to Him. if He does not want this, if He draws back, i know it will be like acid upon my skin, the pain of it, but i can't bear the withdrawing from Him either.
another of the paradoxes i am coming to know so well, i suppose.
there is so much in me that aches for Him right now, but i am peaceful, too, knowing that tonight will be something special, something amazing. i am a little afraid, too, but not too much so. Master is beginning to know so much about me now, there is so little left in hiding, that my very soul is open to Him now...not yet entirely His, but open to Him, to His touch, more so than it ever has been before, more so that i would have thought it would be, so soon.
oh.. it is so hard to explain what i am feeling and i know i am doing a poor job of it. perhaps i will add to this journal entry later, when i have it more sorted out in my mind. more likely though, i will spend some time tonight trying to write a poem for these thoughts... i find it so much easier to dissect my more complex emotions that way.
til next W/we meet be well and happy --di.