work, trust, homework, and other thoughts
When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat, don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lie on your back and float -- Ed Norton
i had some news today that is distressing, to say the least. three out of the four night classes i teach were cancelled today due to low enrollment. i got a call earlier from my boss about it, and though i was nice and businesslike on the phone with her, i literally collapsed in tears when i got off the phone.
i do not like my new boss.
my old boss, whenever enrollment was low in a class would allow me to teach the class anyway, for reduced pay. generally, she would pay me the tuition directly, and the community center would not make any profit (nor would they have any loss; the classroom will simply stand empty if i am not teaching in it). it would usually work out to somewhere around $25 or $30 less per semester per class of low enrollment, depending on the tuition for that class. it wasn't really that much less for me, a small cut in pay only over a whole semester, and i rather liked teaching the smaller classes; they were intimate, and gave me a chance to really get to know my students. not to mention the fact that we invariably covered more in a semester ~and~ the students skill levels were higher than usual at the end.
well, my new boss refuses to do it. i'm not sure why that is, as i said there is no loss at all to the community center as the classroom is there whether i use it or not, and has to be cleaned if i teach one class there or ten. perhaps there would be a minute difference in the light bill, but it can't be that big a difference.
perhaps i am only bitter because i miss my old boss so much. she and i were good friends, and it is wonderful to work for a friend. my new boss is extremely different, and i just am not used to her at all.
well, this situation leaves me cut to one quarter of my regular salary on no notice whatsoever. it will likely take me another month to find a job that will work around my one class i am teaching and the three i am taking. i don't know what i am supposed to do for money til then... and that is besides the fact that on such short notice i will likely end up with a horrible job like telemarketing or telephone market research, a job that i will hate and will leave me miserable and cranky every day. i am not looking forward to this at all.
it is more distressing than i could ever say.
the only thing that keeps me from completely falling apart out of worry, anger, disappointment and fear is the thoughts of my Master. i keep thinking that He would want me to be strong about this, that He would want me to ~not~ worry, and to some extent i can manage that. i feel safe when thinking about Him, as though nothing can ~really~ hurt me if i am under His protection. i know in some part of my mind that there isn't much He can do about this situation, but... i am secure in the fact that in the end i will be okay. Master won't let anything really bad happen to me.
Master asked me last night why i feel safe with Him, and truly it is hard to explain fully. partly it is because i have learned He will not hurt me. He does not have a quick flaring temper, so that i can be free and be myself with Him without being constantly scared of a misstep. He never takes out frustrations or anger from other parts of His life on me, so i never have to greet Him terrified, trying desperately to gauge His mood before i speak. He never lashes out at me, He never tries to scare me, He never is anything but gentle and patient with me when i need it, and firmly stern when i need that.
i am not saying Master is the "perfect man", (i would never dream of putting that kind of pressure on Him, besides the fact that i am a thoroughly human, imperfect slave and therefore could never please a "perfect" man or Master) but for me He is the perfect Master. what i mean by that is that He is everything this one has needed in a Master, and more than that, about everything she has ever dreamed of. and, believe me, i never ever forget just how lucky i am in every way.
it stuns me how nonchalant some subs and slaves are about their Masters. they don't seem to understand that though submission is a gift, the Master gives many gifts to the submissive as well. Domination is also a gift, as precious as submission. some subs that i know seem very haughty, believing that since they have given this "extraordinary" gift to their Master, the Master should be crawling about like a grateful puppy, and in exchange for "allowing" their Master to paddle them from time to time the Master should be eternally grateful.
perhaps the mindset difference is one of sub and slave, i'm not sure, but i never am able to forget the innumerable gifts my Master has given me in His wisdom, His understanding, His patience, His affection, His love, and His Domination. sometimes i wonder if i thank Him ~too~ much for all of these things *soft giggle*.
last night i was in a conversation with two sub friends, and my Master left the conversation to prepare my next assignment. yes, i do many assignments for Master, and i consider each of them priceless gifts from Him, for they all keep me centered on Him, and centered on my submissiveness to Him even when He isn't with me. my two sub friends were complaining about it, saying they would not want to do assignments, and saying to be sure to keep my Master away from their Masters, so their Masters wouldn't hear about such a thing.
there are so many things wrong with that sentence i hardly know where to start.
first of all i don't decide where my Master goes or who He talks with. that is entirely up to Him and i would never dream of trying to dictate such things to Him. secondly, it sounded to me as though they were both trying to top from the bottom, deciding what they would and would not do for their Masters. partly, i understand it is a subs right to make their own limits, but to dictate to the Master (and create limits, actually) always seemed to me to contradict the whole point of a power exchange. i don't want to be the one in charge, choosing what happens with the situation, and that is what happens when one sets limits and decides what they will and will not do. it is one of the reasons i am slave, not sub. third of all, i personally thought that with a comment like that, it proved that they both needed a few assignments to do (and yes, i teased them about it a little).
i can't say that assignments would help either of them with their submission, as i don't know the particulars of their relationships with their Masters, but i can say that it would at least remind them of Who in the relationship is supposed to decide the direction.
til next W/we meet be well and happy, --di.