old fears
"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -- Sarah Williams
on entering a new relationship, one of the hardest things O/one must do is set aside old habits, old feelings, and old fears. that is what this one has been struggling with as of late; the setting aside of old fears. if these cannot be put aside, there is no future for me, i know; the delicate flower of a new relationship has a hard enough time stuggling forth with all the every day pressures of life bearing upon it, let alone the burdens of a difficult past.
and there are many burdens i carry with me from my past; the relationships i have been in have not always been easy ones, and as a result, there are times i find myself responding to my new Love in a way that is not warranted by the circumstances. at times a turn of phrase, an action, or a moment of silence will frighten me, return me to my past and leave me trembling and terrified. i hope desperately that at those moments He knows it is not Him that i fear, but the ghosts from my past.
there are many of these ghosts, sprung from different circumstances and different relationships. some have come into play already, and some have not. i must give my Love credit, for thus far, when they spring forth, He has been more than understanding with me. the ones that have not yet come forward worry me even more. if in an intimate moment, He comes to me with a large wooden paddle and i reel away in terror, He will not know this is because to me, that instrument recalls broken ribs, a broken tailbone, beatings given in anger. how would He react if i shrank away from Him in fear? i have not found the words yet to tell Him of all my fears, partly because i am afraid of even the telling, although i know He will read this and know from here.
W/we have already faced one of my fears recently that made me run from Him. i was ashamed at my reaction, but the hurt was as real as if it had been intended (which it had not). the reaction was instinctive; fight or flight was the call from the ancient part of my brain, and i chose to run. i know He was worried, and hurt as well at my lack of trust. how could i explain this old fear to Him, that it was not anything He did, but my past that i was running from?
as yet i do not have the answers. i try each day to let go of my old fears and trust in Him, but the going is slow for me. there have been Those in my past who convinced me to surrender my fears to Them and then used this knowledge to control me, to keep me in fear and in hiding. each time i tell Him of a fear, it is only by overcoming this one, deadly frightening fear that seems to control them all. the progress is slow, but moves forward a small bit more each day.
the most odd part of it all is that my instinctive trust for this Man that i love is stronger than for any other P/person i have ever known. if asked to put my life in His hands i would easily do so. it is my mind and soul i am a little more reluctant with. however, from the moment i first met Him, i knew that He was One i could bare myself to, One who would not betray me. my trust for Him has grown faster than it has for any O/other, be T/they F/friend, F/family or L/lover. He knows how to reach into this girl and tame her wildly beating heart, how to soothe her trembling with just a touch or a quiet word, and for that i am immeasurably grateful.
there will come a day when i hold nothing more back from Him, when i surrender my deepest fears to Him with each part of my heart and soul, mind and body. i know that on that day those fears will no longer hold control over my life with Him, and how i wish it were simple enough to raise my hands and say "i surrrender" and make that moment come. it is not so easy, however.
each day when i kneel at His feet i struggle to let a little more go, to let myself open a bit more. each day is still difficult, although the relief of the release is more than worth the worry and difficulty of letting go. each day He accepts me completely, never faulting me for holding back a small bit more or criticizing me for not giving all immediately. if He had been One to do such things, i doubt i could have surrendered at all. i have had Those in my past try to wrest my surrender from me, and the only result was that i held onto it that much tighter, reluctant to let it go. instead, He accepts each small surrender with gentleness and kindness, and from this i know i need not fear any longer.
i am still trying, my Love, to let these fears go, to surrender them to You so that O/our lives may find peace... and one day i will.
till next W/we meet, be well and happy --di.