Family
i couldn't sleep, spent a while tossing and turning, and thought i would get up and write for a while instead, hoping if i managed to get some of the churning, swirling thoughts that were spinning through my mind out and onto paper that i might be able to finally find some rest. i also tried meditating, a long boiling hot shower, and ice cream, none of which worked, so this is a bit of a last resort.
i have been thinking a lot about how wonderful it was to see my family yesterday, even though it was on an occasion as sad as my grandmother's wake. so many of them i haven't seen in so long... and it isn't as though they aren't here often enough to visit; most of them make it home once a year, or every other at least. no, the problem was deeeper than that.
when i was collared to Michael, my r/l Master, He forbade me from attending family functions, and severely limited any contact at all with my family and friends. those that i corresponded with, cousins in far states, friends from high school that had moved away, He required me to cut of writing to, and i was not allowed to write an explanation. to them, it must have seemed as though i simply vanished.
as for the family functions, my excuse was always that i was working. which, in a way, was true, for Michael kept me very very busy. they all thought i worked as an office manager for a company in the city; this had been my job before i met Michael. i had been a receptionist, promoted to clerical assisstant, then administrative assistant, then office manager just before He made me quit when i was collared. i didn't mind quitting so much, the work didn't make me happy and it wasn't particularly fulfilling. of course, neither was Michael's and my relationship.
He bought me a cell phone, and i gave the number to people as my "new work number", another half truth i was ordered to tell that made me more than a little uncomfortable with my family. getting calls from them was pure torture. when they asked what i was doing, how was work, it killed me to not answer.
i still was allowed to visit my parents for thanksgiving and christmas, though not easter or birthdays. Michael was, i think in some ways, a little afraid that my family would get too suspicious if i was cut off entirely. He had seen pictures of all my male cousins (Joe, Bobby F., Clem, Jim, Joe, Mike, Bob O., Tim and Jerry) and i think He might even have been a little afraid of them and my uncles.
because of His decisions, i missed my cousin Mike's wedding. i missed my cousin Jerry's wedding. i missed Chrissy's graduation from high school. i missed wedding and baby showers and birthday and christmas parties. i missed babies being born and christened, and i missed them growing up. i missed memories i can never recapture or make up for, however much time i have now with my family.
in a way it makes me angry, that He was so insecure that He needed to rule with such an iron fist. in a way it makes me so irrevocably sad. i cried much today, and not only because of my grandmothers passing. i cried because the last time i had seen Heather, she was in diapers, and now she was a tall, well spoken young woman. i cried because my cousin Clem is grey and losing his hair and the last time i saw him (at least seven years ago) he was young and full of life. i cried when my cousin Mike's wife didn't know me, and didn't want to get to know me, thinking i had snubbed her by not attending her bridal shower, her wedding, her housewarming, her barbeque. i cried when my cousin Jerry's wife forgave me for not attending the same and similar events in her life and we talked, making a start on what is sure to be a friendship. i cried when my cousin Bobby said "hey good lookin!" and enveloped me in a bear hug the likes of which i hadn't felt in years, when my cousin Jean shreiked and bounced when she hugged me and announced she had almost given me up for dead, when Bob introduced me to his daughter i had never met, when i looked out over a roomful of family that i had felt i hardly knew any more, and yet that somehow knew me so very well.
i don't think i could ever be with anyone again who would cut off my relations with family or friends. i understand that as a slave, i have no right to see them unless given that right by my Master, but if my Master didn't have the compassion to... well... i just don't see how i could handle it again. i was so stifled by Micheal... not a blooming rose, but a badly wilted, dying flower. i cannot bear the thought of living like that again, especially not now that i have tasted even just a little of how wonderful life really can be.
i also was thinking about other things tonight, about introducing my Master to my family, what that might be like. would He make me call Him Master or Sir with them? i don't know if i could handle them knowing the true nature of the relationship. they are just mostly all so old fashioned, i know it wouldn't sit well with them. my aunts and uncles particuarly are old school (and some of them somewhat redneck to boot).
i guess i have never really wanted to be outted as a slave to my family or my community. perhaps if it were more acceptable... but even then i don't know. i want the people who know me to think that i have a normal, if somewhat old-fashioned marriage.
well, that is another thing. many slaves and Masters don't marry, but... if i am ever collared real life again, i will want it only to be to the Man i marry. this is for several reasons; it gives me some security, legal standing, and would make any children legitimate.
and, for me at least, i really don't think marriage and slavery are exclusive. even parenthood and slavery are not exclusive. it is possible to raise children and have then not really know the full extent of their parents relationship. i mean, most kids don't think their parents even have sex at all... they don't want to think it, let alone kinky sex! *giggles* so... i think it could be hidden well enough, so that the kids only think their parents a wee old fashioned.
is it so crazy to want to have a normal, everyday outside life, too?
*sighs*
well, it is getting pretty late, so this one is off to bed... to think about all of this a bit more still. be well and happy til next W/we meet --di.