I think I might be gay / lesbian / bisexual - If you have been thinking along these lines then you probably have lots of questions and concerns and very few answers that make any sense to you. This pamphlet will try to provide some answers.
What does it mean to be lesbian / gay / bisexual?
Lesbians are women who are sexually attracted to other women, gay
men are sexually attracted to other men, and bisexual men and women
find themselves attracted to members of either gender. It is
important to remember that these are words and not hard and fast
labels. Psychologists now understand that human sexuality is an
infinitely varied spectrum. If you identify more with one word or
another, that s fine, but you are trying to understand yourself
better, not sign a contract.
How do I know if I m gay, lesbian or bisexual?
During adolescence we all begin to feel strong attractions to other
people different to the feelings we had as children. These new
feelings do not necessarily take the form of sexual urges, they may
be more like fascinations, physical interests or curiosity,
emotional attachments or intense crushes. Sometimes its very hard
to even give these feelings names. If you are lesbian, as a young
woman you will have known that these feelings were focused more on
other women, while your friends will have felt the same way about
men. If you are a gay man, then other men will have formed the
object of your feelings, in contrast to the feelings of most of
your male friends. If you are bisexual, then both men and women
will have been the subject of your feelings. All adolescents, of
what ever sexual orientation, frequently find these feelings
pleasant or troubling, or both. They are new feelings and hard to
understand, however, if you are gay, lesbian or bisexual you may
have found it very hard to talk to anyone about them, or to know
what to do about them, because most of the information you will
have got from parents, teachers, counsellors and the media will
have made the assumption that you are heterosexual or straight .
Most parents, teachers or counsellors know very little about gays,
lesbians or bisexuals, and what they have learned is often
inaccurate, distorted or even plain wrong. The media tend to treat
the subject of sexual orientation in sensational ways, and it is
often very difficult to relate to the stereotyped characters
portrayed, or the sensational stories told.
Even at this stage you may feel very confused about whether or not you are gay, lesbian or bisexual. This is quite normal, coming to terms with your sexuality happens over time. Don t worry if you are not sure.
Learning to like yourself!
All people have a right to feel good about themselves. As human
beings we all have an intrinsic value, and there is no-one else
quite like you - we are all unique! From our earliest years we
have been prepared to be heterosexual - it s assumed we ll grow up
to be just like mum and dad. The messages we got about gays,
lesbians and bisexuals were usually at best tolerant, at worst
murderous. Needless to say, many gay men, lesbians and bisexuals
grow up believing they are sick, perverted, incomplete human
beings, destined to live unhappy lives.
While it is true that some gay men, lesbians and bisexuals hurt themselves through alcohol, drugs or by attempting suicide, this sort of self-destructive behaviour is by no means a direct result of their sexual orientation. Rather it is a direct result of them having a very negative image of themselves - they feel isolated, fearful and depressed especially if they have no-one to talk to about their feelings.
Coming-out is the process of accepting your sexual orientation and accepting yourself. It is a life-long process and usually involves figuring out how open you want to be about your sexual orientation to others.
Who should I tell? .... and how? - It s an old saying but it has more than a grain of truth in it - 'Your friend s you can choose, your family you re stuck with.' Judging who to tell or confide in can be tricky because there are no fool-proof guidelines. Many people have big problems understanding or accepting homosexuality. Friends are often easier to deal with - some will be very supportive, and these will be valued friends for many years to come. Those who prove hostile are really no great loss. Whoever you tell will probably find it easier to deal with if you are at ease with yourself. If you have accepted your sexual orientation, then telling someone else is just sharing important information, but if you still see your sexual orientation as a problem, then telling is just sharing the misery. This is especially true when dealing with your family.
If you have problems with your family, telling them you are gay, lesbian or bisexual is unlikely to improve things. Telling a family is probably the most difficult thing a young gay man, lesbian or bisexual, has to face. There are, however, books and pamphlets available that can give you some guidance in this field.
What about sex?
Deciding whether or not to be sexual with someone is a big
decision, and not one to be taken lightly. One of the most
pernicious myths about gay men and lesbians is that they are all
obsessed with sex. When your sexual orientation is a big secret,
and your only outlet is clandestine, not even fully acceptable to
yourself, sex is something that can very easily become obsessive.
One reason organizations like FLAG encourage self-acceptance and a
degree of coming-out is that such processes allow decisions to be
made in a more rational environment.
Our society does not encourage a rational approach to sex, period! The result is ignorant experimentation and booming incidence of venereal disease and unwanted pregnancies. With young gay men, the issue is literally one of life and death, and the current rising rates of AIDS and HIV infection among this age group is glowing testimony to 10 years of concerted campaigns of ignorance.
To decide to have sex with another person is an intensely personal and important decision, and must be made for the right reasons, without pressure, and with access to good, factual information. Remember you are in control of what you do sexually and with whom. If you re at all unsure, you should wait.
If anyone forces you to have sex against your will it is abuse. This abuse can range from harassment and assault, to rape. If you have been sexually harassed, assaulted or abused you will need time to get in touch with your feelings and may need to talk to someone about it.
AIDS?
All sexually active people need to be aware of AIDS and HIV as well
as other sexually transmitted diseases. Simply being gay, lesbian
or bisexual does not give you AIDS. You can put yourself at risk
of contracting HIV (the virus believed to cause AIDS) by what you
do, not because of who you are! At present AIDS is incurable, but
it is preventable. For more information contact AIDS New Brunswick
or AIDS Saint John (see resource list).
Gays / lesbians / bisexuals and the Law
In Canada there is legal protection from discrimination because of
sexual orientation in the areas of housing, employment and the
provision of services in: Quebec, Ontario, Manitoba, Yukon
Territory, Nova Scotia, New Brunswick, British Columbia and
Saskatchewan. Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland, Alberta and the
Northwest Territories have not enacted any such laws. Such laws do
not and will not eliminate prejudice or discrimination, any more
than laws against theft or murder will prevent theft or murder.
They do ensure that gays, lesbians and bisexuals have the same
legal recourse as anyone else.
RESOURCES
Gayline - (506) 457-2156 - Fredericton s gay / lesbian /
bisexual phoneline deals with all matters related to the gay /
lesbian / bisexual community. It has a twenty-four hour, 7 days a
week recorded message (bilingual), and between 6:30 and 8:30 pm on
Mondays and Thursdays it is staffed by trained volunteers, who will
answer calls directly. Call the phoneline if you need information,
help or just a sympathetic ear. All calls are treated
confidentially.
CHIMO - (506) 450-4357 - a phone helpline for children and young people with problems, or in crisis. Trained counsellors are always available on this phoneline, and they can deal with all crises from problems at home or in school, to drug related matters and suicide.
Check our listing
then Local Radio Fredericton s campus-community
radio station, CHSR-FM (97.9 fm), broadcasts regular gay and lesbian
programming: Fruit Cocktail is heard at 7.00 pm Monday, Dos
Lesbos is heard at 7.00 pm Wednesday (Temporarily Off air)
Local bookshops and magazine stores stock some gay / lesbian /
bisexual material (aside from pornography!!). Beegee`s in Fredericton
Mall has
a small gay and lesbian literature section, while Westminster Books on King s
Street stocks some lesbian and gay titles, but they are mixed in with
everything else. Dont miss the new and rapidly expanding collection at
Kingfisher Books at 358 Queen Street too. WAYVES is available (free) at
Westminster Books and in the magazine-rack in the Blue Room, Student Union
Building, UNB Campus. The Advocate is on sale at The Smoke Shop, Student
Union Building, UNB Campus, Aura Wholefoods, Charlotte Street, The Milk Bar,
Priestmann Mall. OUT has been seen on sale at Scholten's Convenience Store,
University Avenue, and at Mazucca s on York Street, but it`s appearance has
been erratic.
LOCAL ORGANIZATIONS
Fredericton Lesbians and Gays (F.L.A.G.) runs
the Gayline, holds regular meetings, and published a bimonthly newsletter.
Contact the Gayline, or write to: P. O. Box 1556, Station A, Fredericton, NB, E3B
5G2.
Gay and Lesbian Alliance
(G.A.L.A.) is the
UNB/STU Campus organization, holds regular meetings, contact Gayline, or
write to: GALA, c/o Student Union Building, UNB, P. O. Box 4400, Fredericton, NB,
E3B 5A3.