NOW THAT I KNOW, WHO DO I TELL
...... AND HOW?

COMING-OUT TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY: INFORMATION FOR YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN ABOUT WHAT IT MEANS TO BE GAY, LESBIAN OR BISEXUAL. THIS PAMPHLET IS THE SECOND IN A SERIES.

Its an old saying but it has more than a grain of truth in it - Your friend s you can choose, your family you re stuck with. Judging who to tell or confide in can be tricky because there are no fool-proof guidelines.

Many people have big problems understanding or accepting homosexuality. Friends are often easier to deal with - some will be very supportive, and these will be valued friends for many years to come. Those who prove hostile are really no great loss. Whoever you tell will probably find it easier to deal with if you are at ease with yourself. If you have accepted your sexual orientation, then telling someone else is just sharing important information, but if you still see your sexual orientation as a problem, then telling is just sharing the misery. This is especially true when dealing with your family.

This pamphlet sets out some guidelines for how to approach this subject, but remember, you have to judge the best time and the best people to approach, only you know your friends, parents and family, and everyone is different. Finally, if you ve reached this stage, then you have had some time to accept the fact of your sexual orientation - try to be patient with others, and don t expect or demand snap decisions. Especially, don't use this issue as a test of loyalty.

Coming-out to friends
Life is full of surprises, but don t go looking for them. Acquaintances who make a habit of telling faggot or dyke jokes, or who make a point of harassing gay men or lesbians, are less likely to be accepting, than the friends you already find tolerant and accepting on such matters as race, for instance. Remember, people who are secure with their own sexuality are less likely to feel threatened by yours. Similarly, if one of your friends is the object of a crush or your deepest desires, your coming-out may be so obviously contrived as to spoil both the intended effect, and the desired effect. Sudden, passionate statements of eternal and undying love tend to cause acute embarrassment to all concerned.

Coming-out to parents
Get any group of gay men, lesbians or bisexuals together and chances are at some point the subject of parents will come up in conversation, and the stories that can be told are as diverse as anyone could imagine. Some have horror stories to tell, others tell of total and complete support, most stories fall somewhere in between. If you already have problems with your family, telling them you are gay, lesbian or bisexual is unlikely to improve things. Telling parents is probably the most difficult thing a young gay man, lesbian or bisexual, has to face. The most important point to bear in mind is that if you are comfortable with your own sexual orientation, you will not be sharing a problem. If you cannot cope with your sexual orientation, don t expect your parents to deal with the issue for you. They probably know even less about it than you do. With the best will in the world, your telling your parents will constitute a shock of some degree. Be patient, you ve had months or years to get used to the idea, give them time. If sexual orientation is a challenge for parents, then accepting their offspring as being sexually active can be formidable. Many parents have great difficulty coping with their children maturing into adults, and sexual maturing is possibly the most difficult part of this. The world of homosexuality is in all likelihood a closed book to them, and what they do know, they are likely to have picked up from the same sources that were once your only source too. It s the unknown, and fear is probably the standard human response to the unknown. It s impossible to provide hard and fast rules, but some definite don't can be listed:

• DON'T come-out in the course of an argument or fight. Even if this is not your intention, it will appear that you have only told them in order to cause pain.
  
• DON'T use an important family celebration, such as Christmas, birthdays or Thanksgiving, as the opportunity.
• DON'T play one parent off against the other - such as Mum has no problems with this, why do you. (or vice versa).
• DON'T make this a loyalty issue, or a test of love.
• DON'T come-out with your partner present, accepting you at this point is enough of a challenge, coming to terms with you being sexually active at the same point is pushing your luck.
• DON'T just blurt out the news, do some ground work first - as oppose to attempting to manipulate them.
• DON'T go into this unsupported. If possible get the advice of other family members first, or confide in a close friend or counsellor.
• DON'T take an initially hostile reaction as the last word on the subject. Always leave avenues of communication open - many things said in the heat of a crisis are regretted after sober reflection.
• DON'T present your sexual orientation as a problem, or try to lay blame - there will be enough guilty feelings in the air without adding to them.

Some common reactions include:
Was it something we did to make you this way? This is a very common feeling with parents, and is a reaction to feelings of guilt. Perhaps we have been inadequate as parents. While the jury is out on whether sexual orientation is genetic or the result of environment, it can be safely said that the old notion that gay men had overbearing mothers and distant fathers, and that lesbians had distant mothers and overbearing fathers is nonsense. This myth is remarkably persistent, but then so is the story about the stork! Sexual orientation appears to be fixed at a very early stage of development, and precisely what does the fixing is evidently very subtle and less than obvious. A genetic component appears to be involved, but inadequate parenting is not a factor.

Was it that friend/relative/teacher who influenced you to be this way?
This comes from that old notion that you only become gay, lesbian or bisexual if you are seduced by someone older, or otherwise influenced by unsavoury role models. It is one of the most persistent myths, related to the idea that homosexuals recruit. Once again there is not a shred of evidence to support this. Given that most of us are surrounded by heterosexuals from the cradle, bombarded with influences indicating that heterosexuality is the norm from as soon as we can think, why should one contrary influence be so dominant. Think about it - millions of children are taught by nuns, very few choose to become nuns! Most gay men, lesbians or bisexuals realize they are different long before they even know what homosexuality is, let alone that other people like them exist.

You are just doing this to hurt us!
This can be a tough nut to crack, because it suggests that there is far more wrong with your relationship with your parents than the issue of your sexuality. You are an independent being, with the right and responsibility to make your own way in life, and your own decisions. Your parents need to realize this.

It's sinful/wicked/immoral!
Reactions based on religious beliefs are perhaps the most widespread of negative responses (also true among people in general). Christianity, Judaism and Islam are religions with many and various sexual taboos, and positive reactions to homosexuality are rare. That said, there are very active gay and lesbian religious support groups among most Christian denominations, and among Jewish congregations. While many individual clergy are supportive and sympathetic. If you would like counselling on this issue FLAG can put you or your parents in touch with such people.

What about AIDS?
Anxieties about AIDS are very closely related to your parents anxieties about your sexuality. It is, after all, the one issue that receives widespread, and often inaccurate, media coverage. Objective and accurate information is the only way of dealing with this matter (see resource list).

How can you ever be happy?
There was a time when it was widely believed that the gay man or lesbian was doomed to a lonely life of furtive sex, no children or friends, and an isolated old age. It s and old and very persistent stereotype. If you are comfortable with your sexuality when you tell your parent, half the battle is won. The rest will come with patient whittling away at the stereotype.

SUPPORT AND COUNSELLING
In North America there is an organization called PFFLAG (Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). They have a contact in the Maritimes, and publish a newsletter. Fredericton has a chapter of PFLAG starting in the fall of 1995 (CLICK HERE FOR MORE). Religious groups are also active in the Maritimes, including the New Hope Community Church which will become affiliated with the gay-positive Metroplitan Community Church (MCC) in the spring of 1996 (see resource list).

If your parents insist you seek psychiatric help, tread very carefully. Counselling from a gay/lesbian positive psychiatrist or counsellor can be very helpful in learning to adjust to your sexuality, and helping your parents. Cures are a waste of everyone s time, emotions and money - though cures are still regarded as possible by a vocal minority of psychiatrists and religious organizations. Once again, FLAG has a limited listing of gay/lesbian positive psychiatrists and counsellors, including family-counsellors.

READING MATERIAL
The New Loving Someone Gay, Don Clark, Celestial Arts, Berkeley, 1987.
Now That You Know: What Every Parent Should Know About Homosexuality, by Betty Fairchild & Nancy Hayward (2nd edn). Harcourt Brace Jovanovich, New York, 1989. Probably the best book written on the subject of gays, lesbians and their parents.

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