Welcome to Jason's Rainbow Life. I've listed some of the important things which have happened to me throughout my life, plus I'm telling you some things I would never normally mention to anyone. I hope some of my experiences can help others who maybe having problems in their life at the moment. As this page is quite long, perhaps you'd like to copy it and paste it into your word processor, so you can view it off-line. I hope you can relate to some of my experiences, and any feedback you may have is extremely welcome.
My life began at 3:00pm on July 20, 1976, and boy was the world glad to see me! The part I remember best about this moment, was the shock which appeared on everyone's face. No, I wasn't some type of alien, my mum was extremely tired, because I wasn't sure whether I wanted to "come out" into the world or whether I wanted to stay inside. It was quite nice in there! The wonderful people at the hospital were sharing the pain with my parents as I was being delivered on a warm afternoon. Well, my family and friends are going to suffer from another dose of shock when the "true me" appears. Are they ready for it? Am I ready for it? Who knows, "coming out" is a pretty tough thing to do, something I'm yet to experience. Well, I've done it once, so I guess I can do it again!
I was born only a few hundred metres from where I work today, which is very convenient for me. If only I lived in between both destinations! I live in a suburb near Brisbane. Brisbane is the capital city of Queensland, and is a really beautiful place. If you visited World Expo 88, then you'll have been to Brisbane, as the city is across the river from the World Expo 88 site, which is now called South Bank Parklands.
My childhood was very quiet, I went to school and mixed with relatives when I wasn't at school, pretty much like an average child. I was a bit of a shy boy, maybe because I was "different". My primary school experiences were excellent, and my high school years were also great, but I do recall a number of things which upset me during my time there. On one school camp in year eight (12 years old), I received a very nice gay nickname, and at that time (before I even knew what puberty was all about), I was extremely embarrassed about it. I was only learning about homosexuality, and a few people assumed that I was "going to be" gay. Well, they were right. It's amazing how some people can sense these things when you aren't even sure yourself. The gossip spread through school quite extensively, but it didn't worry me too much, as they could never confirm the statements being made.
When I was in year eleven (16 years old), I encountered the worst situation I had during my whole time at school. A new guy came into the school and was trying to impress some people, and I guess I became part of his "plan of making new friends". Stephen was the name assigned to this guy (we'll call him an arsehole - that's the name I've assigned to him), was straight acting, thin, tall and he had blond hair. He was your average looking straight teenager. But even though he appeared straight, he was attracting gay pals. I didn't want to be a part of his group, so I ignored him. This ignorance was something which Stephen did not like, so he let me know about it. He told me before class that he would like to get to know me better, and suggested that we begin a relationship. As I was only young (I still am!), I tried to ignore his coming on approach by telling him to leave me alone as I wasn't interested in any kind of relationship.
After a few weeks of trying to talk me around, he became angry that I wasn't taking any notice of him, so he decided I should know he was a big tough boy. His technique was to provide my body with a dose of pain. My body ended up enduring a number of punches and kicks. I recall one particular time when he kicked me in the neck while I was sitting at my desk. (The weak creature did this from behind so I couldn't see him. How tough is that?) That kick was the last one, I made sure of that. I wasn't going to tolerate any kind of violence directed towards me, so I ensured Stephen was not going to bother me again. Stephen stopped hassling me, plus he didn't return to the school the following year either. One thing I did learn from that experience was that you should never let anyone hurt you or make you feel inferior. It doesn't matter who they are, no one has the right to make you feel bad. We are all very special individuals, and there are so many nice people on this earth, so you have to ignore the bad stuff, while mixing with and finding the good people. My life is great at the moment, I never let anyone make me feel bad because of the fact that I'm gay, that's just me. Even though nobody close to me knows I'm gay yet, I will never allow any one to hurt me through any type of abuse when I do finally "come out".
My growing up experiences were quite different to most of the guys my age, as I was a late developer. In fact, I'm sure I was the only guy in my tenth grade who hadn't even shown signs of maturing! I didn't receive the first signs of puberty until May 1991 when I was fifteen years old. I was so excited, I wrote the date down! This made my life even more difficult, because again I felt different. When I look back now, I am quite pleased, as I'm sure to look much younger than the other guys! Well, I guess that's one positive way to look at it. I was quite sheltered during my youth, as my friends were always there for me, but we never discussed anything like sex, girls (or for me, guys). I had to learn things for myself, and in a way, it was much better for me, as I was given the experience first hand. Looking at my life so far, I have been different in a number of ways, not just my sexuality. But it happens to a lot of people, and I'm just one of them. And yes, we are special!
I have never been involved in a relationship with a guy yet, although I'm in no hurry. I know there are plenty of great guys out there, so when I find the one, it will be heaven. I have never said this before, so here goes. Yes, I'm gay, and I'm also a virgin. Even though I have not had a sexual experience with another guy, masturbation has been there for me, and boy has it proved to be popular! Browsing through some of the home pages on the internet, I have found heaps of guys my age who have had several sexual experiences, but are disappointed with how their relationships have ended up. I don't want to rush into anything, because I am hoping the guy I decide to share my experiences with, will be there for me, just like I'll be there for him, for a long time. I'm so tempted to indulge in a sexual experience with a guy, but I keep thinking that it'll be much better for me to find the right guy to make the moment extra special. Well, that's my thoughts on the matter, nobody has the correct answer, you just have to follow your own feelings and not be pushed into anything you don't want to do. Yes, sometimes our hormones do take us to places we shouldn't go, but that's part of the learning experience.
The internet has opened up my world immensely. I've been aware of my sexuality for a number of years now, (I admitted it to myself when I was fourteen years of age in 1990), but the internet has allowed me to interact with guys in the same situation as myself, so I have different perspectives on the topic. I love spending my spare time browsing through the great pages in the GeoCities West Hollywood community, where I can communicate with, and see how other guys are handling being gay. Another good place I like to browse is the Yahoo Society, Gay and Lesbian section. Check out the people for pages of us individuals, and you will also find a large selection of guys together as a couple. That is a really cool place I love visiting, as I was amazed at how many of the guys really show their care and affection for each other. It can be a great source of inspiration and positive information, so I recommend you have a look for yourself if you haven't already done so. We sure are scattered around the world, but the internet brings us all closer together.
I'm not ready to "come out" to my family and friends just yet. I really do want to "come out" so much, but I have been thinking about the reactions of people afterwards. I want to make sure I can handle any negative reactions which may follow. I appear to be a normal young guy, I act straight, dress normally, talk normally, only I have a huge secret which will totally affect my life. I have a suspicion that my parents may be aware that I'm gay, as they have made a few different comments, but my mum has been more supportive towards the subject. On June 9 1997, a fellow work mate and myself were discussing IRC when the subject of me appearing on a gay channel popped up. I said what would you do if my name appeared on the channel, and the response was "You had better not be gay, or we're not going to speak to you again". This comment is stuck in my mind right now. All I could do was smile at her, but boy was my mind going crazy. I felt like saying she should be careful what she says, but that would only create more problems. These are some of the reactions which are ahead of me. It's a challenge, but one I'm going to beat!
I'm not saying that I'm not going to "come out", it's just that I have to select the right moment. If I told my parents that I was gay, they might throw me out onto the street. If that was the case, I would be fine, I could afford to continue living as I am, but it would be much harder for me. I want to make sure I can support myself in comfort before I begin exposing my sexuality. I have heard some people being kicked out of their home, so I don't want this happening to me. I'll be "coming out", but when is another question needing an answer. I would like to find my own apartment and a partner before I "come out". I think having a partner would make the process much easier, as the support sure would be great in times of need.
I'd love to move into a gay friendly area of Brisbane or Sydney where the community appears more understanding on the subject. Actually, I would love to travel to the USA, that is something I'm going to do for sure! My parents have already asked me why I want to "go there", and I answered with "because I want to". It looks like a great place, plus I feel the experience would benefit me greatly. My life ahead is sure exciting, I'm looking forward to most parts, but there are a few areas I feel a little uncomfortable about.
Life is just beginning for me, I'm learning so much now, I feel so great. I'm establishing myself so I can be stronger and begin to enjoy life when the "real me" appears. I know the right guy is out there somewhere, it's just a matter of patience and time. But what I do know, is that no one can stop you from being you. People may try to slow you down, but they can never stop you. Never let anyone think you are smaller than them. We are all equal, and we need to look at life from a positive aspect. I hope this page has helped you with your thoughts. If you want to talk about anything, don't be scared, because I'm a really nice guy, (I can say that and it's 100% true). My e-mail address is open to you. If you'd like to talk, please send an e-mail. I'll respond to all messages as soon as I can. Please take care, and enjoy the challenges this life has in store for you. I'm beginning to handle each one better than before, it just takes a positive viewpoint, and you're half way there. Thanks for taking the time to listen to some of the things I've had to say. I really do appreciate it.
COMING OUT RESOURCES